Sunday, February 1, 2015

Sunday Confessions: Classic


I love classic movies. Old Hollywood starlets with curled hair and beautiful red lips.  "Gone with the Wind" is one of my favorite movies.  

So little seems classic these days.  Will someone long for these times and see them as classic in the future?


Friday, January 30, 2015

Friday Feats & Fails

You know what day it is.  You know what we do here.  So let's get it over with and move on with the weekend!

FAILS:
-  I'm tired as hell and I've been miserable.  I think I'm running low on Vitamin D or something because everything sucks. 

-  Speaking of everything sucks, I'm broke. 

-  Bonehead sucks.  I'm just miserable with everything he says and does and he actually made me cry the other night with his douchiness.  It isn't that he's trying to be mean.  The truth is, we both suck in January.  We both have things stressing us out, pulling our minds in other directions in ways that make it really hard to be supportive of each other and when things are like this it just feels like the other person isn't trying, and when it comes down to it neither one of us really is.  What the fuck does that even mean?  It just means we're miserable.  He's content that things will even out... I spend a lot of time thinking about and threatening to punch him in the kidney. 

-  My chair at work is broken.  It's a rolling chair and isn't rolling.  I'm pretty sure it is because of my fat ass.  That's an awkward and embarrassing thing to have to tell your boss and so I haven't.  I'm not a very good adult this week. 

-  I bought groceries, then continued to make the food requiring the least amount of effort possible. 

-  Battery in my FitBit died like Tuesday.  I haven't replaced it.  I also haven't recorded anything on MyFitnessPal with any kind of regularity this week. 

-  I stayed up too late multiple nights this week. 

-  I actually blogged, and it wasn't as warmly received as I would have liked. 

-  I'm so ashamed to admit this... but there is something dead in my refrigerator.  I'm really miserable about cleaning out my fridge on a regular basis.  There is almost always something expired in there.  This time it was milk and the container exploded.  I'm fighting the stench.  It is awful.  I could just cry.  It's so bad.  


FEATS:
+  Someone on my personal Facebook page keeps posting photos of her children and talking about what a wonderful game "Ring around the Rosie" is.  Her kids are great, I'm glad they're spending time with their father playing... it is wonderful that everyone is happy.  I am a pile of shit, however, because every time she posts about what a wonderful game it is I want to tell her that "Ring around the Rosie" is referring to the Black Death and depending on what version you know also refers to the death of plague victims or the cremation of their bodies.  This is a feat only because I have somehow managed not to do this... yet. 

+  Dinner with my brother to celebrate his new job.  Which is like two feats because I got dinner out and I'm happy when my brother is happy.  Love him. 

+  I started making No Knead Bread.  I'm doing the easy way, not the double rise way because I'm lazy.  It isn't bad.  I might get better.  I might start doing it the "complicated" way.  But I'm thrilled and so far I don't miss traditional bread. 

+  "Empire".  Thought I was going to hate it, but I love it and it is nice to have a show I'm really into again. 

+  I wrote a blog and talked about my vagina and I don't feel very ashamed or terrible for it.  Read it here.

+  I actually wore my CPAP to bed.  So that's awesome because I forget a lot. 

+  I created a group of contacts on my phone named "Passive Aggressive Betas with Internalized Misogyny and Victim Complexes".  Their custom ringtone is "Not Fair" by Lily Allen.  I was inspired by this meme: 


  The fail is that I have so many of these, and I've dated many of them.  But... I can get over it every single time Lily starts singing.

+  Actually cleaned my kitchen, some. 


Thursday, January 29, 2015

Steamed Clam (Will the Real Gwyneth Paltrow please Shut Up?)

What the hell is up with Gwyneth Paltrow?

I should preface this by saying that I have a huge problem with celebrities who use their status to promote products or politicians, or act poorly in excess.  I can't watch Hayden Panettiere anymore without thinking of saving the whales and Neutrogena.  And don't even get me started on Brooke Shields because between Latisse, Lazy Boy, Colgate, and the whole antidepressant fight... I just can't look at her as a performer anymore because she isn't an actress, she's a professional spokesperson and commercial queen. I can't watch Tom Cruise after the couch jumping and Scientology.  After listening to the tirade by Christian Bale unleashed on a Director, I have a hard time watching him too.  It just makes it hard for me to believe them in a role when all I can think about is the product, person or behavior I've been bombarded with via social media and television.


But when it comes to Gwyneth, I used to be a fan.  I think she is beautiful.  I've seen her on late night shows being witty and charming.  But lately she doesn't seem to do anything relevant, she just word vomits.  Between "conscious uncoupling", sparring with Martha Stewart and claiming she is a Veteran of a War waged on celebrities on the Internet...there doesn't seem to be much "conscious uncoupling" of intelligent thought from Gwyneth's lips as of late.

Maybe I shouldn't be so judgy about the word vomit thing because that's what I spend a huge portion of my time doing online, but the difference between me and Gwyneth Paltrow is that I don't go spouting what I say as fact.  I also don't post anything pretending to know anything about anyone's vagina but my own and most of the time I'm pretty open about the fact that I don't even understand that (lesbihonest, this is why I've never taken a dip in the lady pool).

Ms. Paltrow has apparently jumped on the V-Steam bandwagon.  If you don't know what a V-Steam is, it is like visiting a steam room only centered around... you guessed it, your bajingo.  The practice is allegedly based on Chinese Medicine, some reports say it is an Ancient Korean treatment.  The intention is releasing toxins, though there are also claims that v-steams do possess some kind of healing powers including soothing menstrual cramps and boosting fertility.

There are actual spas where you can go and pay them to assist you with steaming your crotch.  Basically, the process consists of sitting on a chair with a hole in it, a bowl filled with hot water and various herbs is set underneath you and then you sit there steaming your clam, moistening your Moose Knuckle, and dampening the flesh cavern.  I'm sure it is much more glamorous when you pay some fancy Los Angeles spa, which is probably decorated with something pretentious and cliche like orchids, to assist you in the endeavor.  I'm going to tell you right now that doing it at home is even less glamorous, and I know this because I did it once.

I first heard about V-Steams a few years ago, and as an avid believer in trying everything once, I said "What the hell?" and put the stock pot on the stove.  There are places online where you can buy sachets of specially formulated V-Steam herbage.  However, I'm incredibly cheap with a well-stocked spice cabinet and seeing as how I wouldn't actually be ingesting any of the herbal "medicine" I figured whipping up my own hooha spice blend wouldn't be the most damaging thing I've ever done to myself.

As I stood next to the stove shaking in rosemary and oregano, I realized that many of the ingredients listed as "beneficial" and "healing" for the cooter were also main ingredients in my homemade chicken seasoning.  Did I mention that V-Steams can allegedly improve your sex life?  I think being able to say "it tastes like chicken" might contribute to that.

I couldn't image myself wrapping up in a blanket and squatting over a steaming pot as I'm just too uncoordinated for such an endeavor.  Luckily, I had a stool with a hole in the top that fit nicely over the pot and so I commenced sitting.

It reminded me of the first time I experienced a heated car seat.  It was the middle of summer and a guy at work asked me to grab a burger.  He was very proud of his tricked out Monte Carlo (which would have been more impressive if he didn't still live at home with his mother which is how he could afford it) and so he drove.  Two blocks away from work and I started feeling really warm, you know, down there.  I had no idea what was going on and thought something was wrong with me.  I even considered the fact that I'd only dated guys who drove piece of shit cars up to that point in life and maybe it was influencing my sexual interest in him more than it should have, but then I watched him eat and that theory flew right out the window.  And by the way, who the hell turns on heated seats in the middle of summer?

The DIY V-Steam was actually enjoyable compared to being in the car with that guy, but as I sat there in my little steamy vagina tee-pee I was very aware of the fact that my lady bits weren't just glistening... they were full on sweating.  As I was tented in a large blanket from the waist down, so were the backs of my knees and I happen to believe that sweaty palms and knee pits are the worst kinds of sweaty areas.

When all was said and done, I don't know that it eased or improved anything for me personally though I can appreciate the increased blood flow to the area for obvious reasons.  Some women claim that doing v-steams helps them with "lubrication" problems; What I'm going to say to that is that I am no doctor, but the labia is partially made up of mucous membrane... you know, the same kind of mucous membrane that makes your nose run when you put it over a steaming bowl of liquid so I'm not impressed by this claim (and I'm not claiming this is a fact unlike certain celebrity hot air bags).


Which brings me back to why I'm so mad at Gwyneth Paltrow.  Gwyneth Paltrow is not a doctor and she doesn't practice Chinese Medicine either.  When it comes to V-Steams, she's just another lady who enjoys popping a squat and feeling the vapors caress her camel toe.  And you know what?  Good for her!  If you enjoy something, I'm all about doing it as long as you don't harm others in your pursuit of happiness.  My concern is that the "Goop" creator is claiming that getting V-Steams "cleanses your uterus" and balances your hormones and is suggesting everyone do it.

In a country where there are women who are uncomfortable or unfamiliar with their bodies, someone as influential and educated as Gwyneth Paltrow has a responsibility not to distribute untruths (like being able to cleanse the uterus via energy-releasing steam douche, which is impossible unless you use force or pressure to push air into the vagina) to the public at large as someone, somewhere just might actually believe her.  I'm not saying V-Steams might not be beneficial, but I really wish until we know for sure either way Gwyneth would just stick to talking about "Conscious Uncoupling" which is something she's an expert in as no one else can figure it the hell out and stop handing out pseudo medical advice and insulting Veterans.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Sunday Confessions: Whine


I am a whiner.  

I am a hypocritical whiner, because as a general rule I hate when people whine about things that they caused, like people who stand in the rain and complain about being wet.  But the truth is that every time I whine, it's also probably about something I could have done differently. 

Friday, January 23, 2015

Feats & Fails 1/23/2015



Another week down.  Which means Friday, again.  Yay!  On to the Feats & Fails!!

FAILS:
-  For the first time in YEARS, I do not have a single drop of wine in the house.  It isn't really that big of a deal except I ran out on the day I really needed a glass.

-  Hung out with a loser.  I knew he was a loser last week, but I learn everything the hard way and gave him another chance.  I don't know if there is a nice way to say that he rose to the occasion to show me just how much of a dick he is.

 -  I failed to record anything on MyFitnessPal this week. And I'm just hungry all the time.

-  I was supposed to be taking care of the landlord's diabetic cat this past week.  I missed a shot.  I feel horrid about it.

-  I let myself be in a shitty mood more often than not this week.

-  I was about to have a sex dream, when the man turned into Alec Baldwin.  No bueno.

- Sinus infection from hell.

-  I finally got my order from AntiClothes.  Very disappointed.  Not only did it take a month for them to just ship the item to get to me, but my order was poorly packaged and the damn shirts run so small it is ridiculous.  Customer service was lousy and unprofessional.  I wanted to be supportive because it is a small business, but for fuck's sake...if you can't keep up with fucking orders then stop paying for Facebook advertising. 

FEATS:
+  I ditched the loser.  I didn't answer texts from other losers.  I think I'm getting rid of losers.  I downloaded a $7-frickin-dollar app to help me not get messages from losers. Feeling good about cleaning house.  I'm going to start weeding out people who aren't worth putting pants on for. 
+  I cleaned around the house. No... I am not a Pod Person.  It's really me.

+  The antibiotics for my sinus infection were cheap.  Thank God.

+  My boss let me do a "project" at work which might be going well.  I'm not sure yet.  But we had a meeting this week, most positive and generally believable meeting I've ever had.

+ I met Bonehead's Mom and Brother.  I don't think they hate me. 


Sunday, January 18, 2015

Sunday Confessions: Space

Welcome to Sunday Confessions!  Please leave your Anonymous Confessions in the comments below!

We were in a red convertible driving through traffic.  I was turned in my seat, watching her face as I talked and she was dismissing me the same goddamn way she always does.  I'd been right countless times before and when I was wrong about a specific detail, I usually ended up being right about the situation in the end; One might say that while I might have lost a battle or two, I always won the war.  Clearly that kind of track record stands for nothing, because we were having this tired discussion again.

We pulled up outside of a tall, peach color building on a beach.  She got out of the car and left the keys in the ignition.  I followed into the building, pleading with her to really hear me.  Her voice always goes up an octave when we have these conversations, similar to the way it does when she is dealing with a patient.  She just keeps dismissing me using the same overused, passive aggressive statements I've come to expect from her. I think she thinks they make her sound impartial and perhaps they would without the underlying tones of "I don't believe you" and the line of questioning that implies I might have led someone into an incriminating conversation which I am now using to condemn them. 

I felt the anger rise in me and headed for the door.  I wasn't going to be heard, considered, validated or treated with respect.  It was just going to be more shoulder shrugging and being told to deal with it.  She's chosen her side, and as usual it wasn't mine because for whatever reason what I think has no value and merit.  I turned to leave walking out the door towards the red convertible.  As I walked out the door, I noticed there was something in the side of my mouth.  I brought it to my lips with my tongue, pushing it out onto my finger.  I looked down to see a couple large pieces of sand. 

I climbed into the car and sped off.  As I drove, I noticed more sand in my mouth.  A lot more.  Where was it coming from?  I spit out the sand, only to find more and it just kept appearing.

Then I woke up.

In my dream, the sand wasn't tiny pieces of beach sand.  It was large granules, like the small pieces of fish rock that are the hardest to clean up when you clean out the fish tank but not as large as the majority of the pieces.  I laid in bed hours thinking about my dream, unable to shake the feeling of sand in my mouth that kept appearing and I kept doing a "sweep" of my mouth with my tongue searching for sand.

I know what the dream means.  I knew what it meant the minute I woke up.  There are things that I've had on my mind that I've been wanting to say and I haven't said them for exactly the reason I dreamed about...because when I do, what I have to say will be dismissed and I'll be torn down.  It is the expectation that I am just supposed to keep giving of myself and keep my mouth closed.  Keep meeting the expectation to give, do and be to someone who doesn't appreciate anything you give of yourself.

Sometimes, I think people get the idea that I don't care about other people.  That isn't it at all.  I think, more often than not, that I care too much.  I've spent more money than I care to think about in therapy talking about how the actions of other people dictated how my day went.  There was a time when the questionable decisions of someone I cared about would cause me so much anxiety that I would experience chest pains, nosebleeds and migraines.

Sitting in my garage right now are two plastic totes full of stuff that isn't mine.  They've been in my garage for 9 years.  Nearly a decade ago, what you would have found was black garbage bags full of dirty sheets and clothing, children's toys, and miscellaneous books and items.  They found their way into my garage after an old "friend" I'd recently reconnected with called me in a flurry of tears and hysteria, she'd just been dumped by the father of her two young children, and it was three days before they were being evicted in the middle of winter.  I offered her space to store her things in my garage and she stayed at my home, contributing only a couple gallons of milk and a few boxes of cereal, for nearly 10 days.

After that 10 days when she'd turned down assistance from a local women's group, refused to start a job she'd been offered, and found a new boyfriend who was doing nothing to help her out of her situation my landlord threatened to raise my rent if things didn't get resolved soon.  She found another place to stay, and then one day she packed up the kids and took off with the new boyfriend out of state.

Her mom was the closest relative.  I tried reaching her but was unable to.  Her sister was of no help as she lived four states away and grew frustrated with my frustration with her sister because she'd accepted that "that's how she is" long ago.  In the end, I just ignored it and it all stayed piled up in my garage.  The first year, nice were attracted to the unwashed clothing and bedsheets she'd left behind and they made nests.  

I tried to clean it after 3-4 years and maybe made it a quarter of the way into the pile.  I didn't think twice about getting rid of the dirty laundry and old clothes, but I couldn't bring myself to throw out her photo albums, the medical bracelets from her children's births and baby photos.  It broke my heart that she left such precious and sentimental items behind.  

Two summers ago (7 years later), I cleaned out the garage.  I saved every piece of paper that looked like it might be important, though if any of it actually were perhaps she might have come back for it.  I couldn't bring myself to throw anything from her children unless it was ruined by the mice; I couldn't stand the thought that they would never have anything from their childhood because of her decisions.  Everything was saved in plastic totes I purchased and has been sitting there for two years. 

She's never tried to contact me.  Perhaps I could have tried to contact her, but I didn't want her to have my contact information or to know I live in the same place... and on some level, I've never felt that I should chase her down for her own things (or her children's things, as the case may be). 

This person wasn't really my friend.  We were friends in high school.  I stopped hanging out with her because she has problems, makes questionable decisions and I didn't want people who behaved like her and made the kind of choices she makes for my life.  There was no loyalty to the friendship on her part... while I've never been able to prove it, she slept with my ex while we were together (back in high school).  I didn't know until after we broke up, and I still took her in all those years later. 

All of this, and I'm still trying to do right by someone who I have no reason to other than trying to be a decent human.  This is how I am about someone I have no reason to do anything for, which is why it is so hard for me when it comes to people I actually care about. 

When I see people I love making questionable decisions or acting in ways that I don't think are right, it hurts.  It's hard for me as a person to be somebody's friend, or to be a part of somebody's life when I get to see things that make my heart physically hurt.  

When I know that saying anything is just going to make things worse, I put space between us.   I push myself outside of the zone where we're close enough that I know the details, where I'm expected to be around as they make decisions even they think are stupid but seem to can't stop themselves.  I create or allow space in relationships with people I care about who make questionable decisions or who hurt me but I am not ready to let go of. 

I have created space between me and the people who are supposed to care about me, because I felt like my reaction to their life decisions impact of the quality of my life. Perhaps that sounds selfish.  However, I have chosen that when I feel things too deeply, when I feel things too strongly, when I feel the overwhelming need to make my opinion known because I worry and I'm scared and I am having nightmares about it in the middle of the night... I choose to put space between us.  I know and understand everyone has a right to their own decisions and life.  I'm not trying to control everyone and force them to do what I think is right.  But I've come to believe that for me personally, the best way to survive is lots of space. 



Friday, January 16, 2015

Friday Feats & Fails 01/16/2015

And another Friday has come!  Whoo hoo!  Let's talk about sex...let's talk about...wait... I mean, our week.  Yeah.

FAILS:
-  I told a man he was being a blumpy. Yes, that sadly happened.  It changed things for about a day and then he went back to the obnoxious behavior he was exhibiting before.  I've never met a human being with such horrible communication issues... and I'm including my exes.

- I thought I was getting sick multiple times this week.  I've been exposed to colds and stomach bugs left and right and I'm not sleeping well.  It isn't really a question as to "if" I'm going to get sick, but "when" at this point and I'm waiting for it.

-  Part of the reason I'm not sleeping is because I'm having nightmares. 

-  Brrr.  It's cold in Wisconsin.  It's been as low as -17 here in the last week.

-  I killed a pair of blue jeans.  The only thing I hate more than jeans shopping is bra shopping.  Speaking of bras... I snapped another underwire on one this week.  I have boobs of steel, or something.

-  This:

-  I've struggled with my personal decision not to dye my hair all week and... I have bags under my eyes.  I'm just not sleeping well.  I look terrible.

-  I'm behind on a shit ton of correspondence and owe people Thank You notes. 


FEATS:
Both Ipsy and Birchbox sent me some great stuff this month (not including the eye cream, I feel like the universe is telling me I look like shit).

I know I'm supposed to be doing Cream Cleansers right now as part of my dedication to not washing every day and growing out my hair, but when I got Fekkai Shampoo and Condition at less than half the price I could not say no.  It was more money than I should have spent, but it was MORE THAN 50% OFF.  I refuse to feel bad for it.

+  Work is awesome.  My boss agreed to let me proceed with a fun project that I'm really excited about.  I love being a part of this team.

+  I'm back with Sunday Confessions.  This week's topic: Space.  I'm feeling very excited about it.

+  I'm hopefully going to see Bonehead tomorrow.

+ My brother texted me and wants me to come help him make cupcakes on Sunday and watch crappy movies. 

+ My nephew said nice things to me.

+  My steps are up, my calories are down and mostly logged.  Positive week!