The musings of a Faux foodie from the land of cheese & beer. Originally born as a blog about frugal living, sharing recipes and eating healthier, it grew to be about that and everything else. Read as I share what happens when I try to achieve my goal of doing everything once, my terrible attempts at humor (which, I’m afraid usually come out as tacky and lacking class despite sounding really funny in my head), product reviews, and whatever else crosses my mind.
I don't enjoy having people I'm not close to in my close personal space. This is part of the reason I don't like the dentist... I mean, there's a stranger picking food out of your teeth.
I clearly live alone as I rarely close the bathroom door anymore. And when I do, there is a cat who feels slighted on the other side of it. But I also close the toilet lid, because those same cats will drink out of the toilet.
There has been so much door closing and windows opening in my life the last few months that sometimes I think the draft is going to negatively impact me... like a psychological cold. Maybe that is why I'm ok with closing most people out right now.
I rarely close my browser before shutting down my computer.
I hate closing umbrellas because it is never as fun as opening them.
I really hate the sound of a door closing heavily behind me.
I PROMISE not to sing "Friday" again. I'm just SO excited for my weekend. People always tell me I'm wishing my life away when I wish it was Friday and I always say I don't do much living when I'm working 40 hours a week. I guess it all comes down to how you want to look at things. Speaking of how we want to look at things, let's get into the Feats & Fails...
- I took last Friday afternoon off. I got out of work 30 minutes late. Then, I got out of town late. Then I didn't get where I was going in time. I hate it when that shit happens.
- Woke up Saturday with a sore throat which turned into a sore throat and a fever, so I didn't get to have my nephew that night because I don't want him or my sister getting sick.
- I let myself be sucked into drama by a crazy person who seems to spread misery for no other reason than Misery loves company. And then I nicknamed her Crazy Horse and I'm waiting to see how long it is before she gets wind of that, which might be a fail or just really funny. Also, in hindsight, I should have nicknamed her "Misery", but she's way scarier than Kathy Bates. Either way, I'm annoyed with myself that I got sucked in and I'm being an ass.
- I'm having nightmares again. And the thing is... they aren't really even nightmares. They just upset me, and my exes keep showing up in them. But the fact that I consider just their presence something that makes a dream a nightmare really says a lot.
- Speaking of exes... So, I decided to write my first guest post for another blogger. She asked me months ago, and I worked on it and then set it aside. Then it magically disappeared off my laptop. Then she reminded me about it a few days ago and I've been working on it again. Well, the subject matter is a little sensitive and I was having a hard time remembering some of the details surrounding my life at the time everything happened. And I reached out to my ex for help. Not my crazy, abusive ex who still slow rolls past my house, but someone who has made it pretty clear they don't respect or appreciate me in any capacity (even as a friend). Basically, I'm mad at myself for reaching out and opening the door when I should have left it shut when I closed it last time.
- I haven't been tracking my calories, exercising or doing anything good for myself. I'm kind of in fuck it mode.
+ Quality time with Bonehead last Friday. He makes me smile.
+ After spending time with Bonehead, I went to see "Dracula Untold" with my brother and got to spend some time with him. I love my brother. Last night I was hanging out at my mom's with my brother and I got to pretend I could play guitar with my favorite guitar, and we started watching the Godzilla movie. So that was awesome.
+ I got to see my sister yesterday. Which is always good. We really don't spend enough time together which is sad because sometimes she is exactly what I need.
+ I got cool stuff in my Birchbox this month, traded in some points and actually got around to writing a review for it. Yay Me!
+ My sore throat and fever didn't turn into full blown cold or Ebola. So there's that.
It's been a long time since I did a Birchbox Review, which is unfortunate because I've been getting some seriously wonderful products that I've been absolutely in love with lately! Shame on me!
If you read other Birchbox Reviews, some people have noted that there are times when you get a "good" box versus one that isn't so good. I've come to realize that I'm not a fan of anything that comes in a packet because I feel like I don't get a large enough size to really get a feel for a product. So this month was definitely a WIN in my book!
(And as much as I personally LOVE Birchbox, I understand that some people might not be so thrilled with the idea of a monthly subscription so I am now adding my favorite products to my Amazon "Products I Love" Widget on the right of the screen. Check it out to see what I'm eating, using, and loving at my house!)
But let's get to the products I got in this month's Birchbox!
Dr. Brandt® Pores No More® Vacuum Cleaner (1 oz/$45) I won't lie... I don't have many blackheads and part of that is because I have an Extractor/Blackhead Blemish Remover Tool and I LOVE it (in spite of the fact that it is missing right now). If I were being honest I would tell you that I am a recovering Pimple Popper and sometimes I relapse. But I can see this product as being a great help in getting over that. The directions state: Two to three times a week, apply a thin layer of gel to affected areas after cleansing. Let dry 5–10 minutes—or until it turns a chalky hue. Rinse with warm water and pat dry.
It dried fast and really did turn chalky on my face, but it wasn't flaky or messy like masks tend to get so that was surprising and totally wonderful. When I rinsed it off in the shower, it came off easily without scrubbing. There was no dryness or irritation and my skin felt good. I didn't notice any immediate results, but overall was pretty pleased. I'll continue to use this.
Mally Beauty High-Shine Liquid Lipstick Pens (.12 oz/$20) This is hands down one of my favorite products from October 2014. I got the Lipety Split color (pictured). I really wasn't sure what to expect from this product because it had the color of a lipstick and the consistency of a really good gloss. The color was pretty strong and seemed to have some staying power, but my favorite part was how good it felt on my lips for hours. I hate products that seem to dry out fast and this really didn't. I didn't really notice much of a flavor, but it smelled like cotton candy which I found pleasant. I highly recommend this.
Essentiel Elements Wake Up Rosemary Shower Gel (8 oz./$19) The scent of this body wash was like a punch in the face, I can see why they call it "Wake Up" because it will wake you up for sure! It cleans pretty effectively, I HATE products that smell good, but when you get out of the shower you're still smelly. I don't know how well it actually woke me up in the morning, but... whatever is in this sure woke up my more sensitive areas when I absentmindedly washed them. So... watch out for that.
Harvey Prince Petaly Noir (8.8mL/$26 or 50mL/$55) Oh Harvey Prince, what a complicated relationship we have. I previously purchased the Harvey Prince "Hello" spray because I love it so much only to come to learn that it has no staying power. NONE. Forget a quick spritz in the morning and going all day. Even "scent layering" with the lotion does not improve the staying power. How did Petaly Noir compare? I won't lie, I didn't have high hopes for it. The scent is musky and woody (due to the sandalwood, amber and patchouli) while still being feminine which surprised me. I found it to be reminiscent of Baby Phat's Seductive Goddess but softer, more feminine and floral due to the notes of jasmine, tropical orchid, and lily of the valley. As far as staying power, it seemed to hold on. It made it through a few hours more than "Hello", overall... I'm very happy with the scents themselves and while this one lasted longer than "Hello", I don't think I'm going to buy it.
ModelCo Power Lash Long Wear Black Mascara (10mL/$20) The application was smooth, though the formula seemed a little thin. Two layers and I felt like it was getting clumpy. It felt very wet for awhile and I checked my lids a few times to make sure I hadn't gotten it everywhere. But my lashes looked huge and that was a big plus. While I like it, I don't care for it as much as some of the other samples I've tried recently.
I've been hoarding my points away like a squirrel with a nut, waiting for a great deal that I just couldn't refuse to get some of my favorite products... and I think I made out like a bandit.
Juice Beauty Green Apple Peel Full Strength ($45)I'd received the Juice Beauty Green Apple Peel for Sensitive Skin in my Birchbox quite some time ago. When I decided to purchase it for myself I went straight for full strength and I am even happier. Works like a dream, leaves my skin looking great right away. I was worried that I might react to something stronger, but I didn't. I walked away with more even tone and my skin looked and felt amazing (even the time I accidentally left it on twice as long as I was supposed to). I love this and I'm sharing with everyone. I'm going to end up having to buy more before I know it.
Smashbox Cosmetics Try It Kit ($19.00 includes: 0.25 oz. Photo Finish Foundation Primer; 0.02 oz. Photo Finish Lid Primer; 0.03 oz. Limitless Eye Liner in Onyx; 0.14 oz. Full Exposure Mascara in Jet Black; 0.14 oz. Lip Enhancing Gloss in Illume) I've never tried Smashbox. It isn't a brand that I know of as being readily available in my area, but of course I know the name. I wasn't sure how it was going to compare to what I'm already using, many of the items in the set I already have a product that is similar I am happy with but this set BLEW ME AWAY. Love the primers, especially the eyeshadow primer because it is amazing and keeps my eyeshadow on and looking great so much longer. The eyeliner is pure black and literally glides on. The lip gloss is beautiful and seemed to enhance my lips without too much minty/menthol punch like what you normally get with enhancers. The mascara has got to be my favorite part because it is thicker in application, great big wand, dries fast and my lashes look thick and huge and amazing without tarantula eyes or clumps. And the size of everything in the Smashbox Try It Kit
is so good that I've already gotten multiple uses out of all of them and still have more than half of each product left. I was super thrilled with this kit!
Mystery Sample Pack (free with $35 purchase) Even though I was
buying stuff with Points, I STILL get a free Mystery Sample Pack because I made a purchase. Have I told you lately how much I love Birchbox? I love how every time I get a Mystery Sample Pack... they always send me something super awesome that I end up loving and what I got this time was no exception!
For example, they once sent me FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE FLIRT Lip Gloss by Secret Agent Beauty ($18) and I forgot to mention it! Birchbox doesn't seem to carry it anymore, but this stuff is AMAZING and I love it. It plumps my lips and gives me great color with a light mint feel. It has a great consistency and isn't goopy or sticky and the color is just right. I'm in love and it doesn't hurt that the logo is so great. Highly recommend trying it out if you're looking for a great plumping colored gloss.
This month I received the Palette Sampler from the Coastal Scents Revealed 2 Palette in Sunset ($19.95). While I only got 4 of the colors in my sampler, I'm SO glad I finally got to try Coastal Scents colors because I've always wanted to. AWESOME. I've seen Coastal Scents palettes used in countless tutorials and it seems to be a highly favored product but I've always been hesitant to buy it. I usually don't care for palettes because I find that I end up using a couple of colors and the rest just go to waste (even the most original of us can't use every color) and end up as clutter in an already cluttered makeup cabinet. But I might just end up buying this one for sure. The colors are wonderfully pigmented, a little goes a long way but you can still apply lightly and blend well (I find high pigments don't always handle a light hand so well). It is soft, smooth, and holds incredibly well throughout my day but washes off nice at night. The colors I received are awesome and I really want to see how I look in the rest of the palette.
If you've been following me or DoucheArt at all, you know that my DoucheArt Sister-In-Crime Jenniy (who also writes Climaxed) tends to get weird messages right off the bat. I, however, seem to usually get guys who want to have seemingly normal small talk that eventually leads to creepy confessions (usually about sexual fetishes) before I ever even get to know their name. I began noticing that there are usually signs that things are about to get weird or that someone has some particular tastes, so... here are some of the warning signs things are going to be weird:
You Smoke, He Doesn't. I'm not saying smokers and non-smokers can't mingle. I was a smoker and I dated non-smokers for many years without problems (believe it or not) but most of the time we started dating when I wasn't smoking, or we met in person and they didn't know until I needed to go out for a smoke. I'm not saying there aren't men out there who don't care, but in my experience a man who seeks out a woman who states she is a smoker on her profile either thinks he can get her to quit or is into watching women smoke. My last encounter online with a man who was into women who smoked asked me a lot of questions about the fact that I used to smoke before admitting to me that he thought watching a woman smoke was one of the sexiest things ever. How long did I smoke? What did I smoke? Did I ever have one occasionally?
You're so hot. As much as compliments and adoration are much appreciated, when the messages that are coming through just keep gushing about how hot and sexy you are eventually they're going to drop off because he has nothing better to say, or they're going to gradually get more sexual until suddenly out of the blue he'll say something super inappropriate. The inappropriate message will come right after he asked you a nice normal question about your job or hobbies. So you'll be writing your nice little response about living alone with your cat and how much you like to Modge Podge (or whatever) and then you'll send the message only to see that in the four minutes it took you to respond, he managed to work himself up over your hotness that he just couldn't stop himself from telling you how much he wanted to "modge podge" on your face.
Do you like to swim? Once upon a time, I worked for a very popular mail-order bedding company taking orders over the phone. It was not unusual to get creepy phone calls from time to time, but the call center had a frequent caller who liked to call and pretend to start an order with a fake name and address, and would then start asking the representative on the phone questions like "Do you like to swim?". All while apparently enjoying some kind of adult entertainment which would progressively get louder in the background. Every once in awhile, I'll get a message from a man on a dating site and it will start with the usual "Hey", "How are you?" and "What do you like to do?". He'll answer the same questions in return, but then all of a sudden he'll ask about a hobby that I don't mention on my profile or when he asks what I like to do. There is nothing wrong with that by itself especially if he is trying to see if we have any mutual interests, but in my experience it usually leads to something more. The one I encounter most is "Do you like to swim?". The most recent guy, when I replied "Not Really", responded with "Seriously?" and then I never heard from him again.
Truth or Dare? When I was in middle school, it was a thing for the "cool" kids to get together and play Truth or Dare. Let's be honest, once you hit middle school it isn't a fun game anymore so much as it is the beginning of sexual exploration and/or utter humiliation in front of your peer group if someone who didn't like you happened to be the one choosing what truth you should reveal or humiliating act to request you do (Sorry, parents of tweens and teens. I know that is the last thing you want to be reminded of). Granted, most people were still in the kissing stage and maybe some light over-the-clothes radio-tuning boob grabbing (Tune in Tokyo!) but I know many people who experienced their first kiss, or ended up flashing each other or a busy intersection, as a result of playing Truth or Dare with that particular group of people. I was only invited to attend a few times, but never actually went (somehow the idea of sitting in a circle and kissing each other didn't appeal to my germaphobic side). Sadly, there are still men who use this "Truth or Dare?" tactic on Online Dating sites to learn intimate details or see just how far a woman is willing to go without actually having to invest time, energy, money or genuine effort in getting to know her; It is a quick thrill approach which only really gets a response from people who respond to being dared to do things, not measure or determine someone's true character or intent. It weeds out women who are impulsive or interested in casual sex which is fine if that is what you are looking for, but if you aren't and you respond to this you can count on it going bad fast. The first time a guy sent me a message asking me "Truth or Dare?" I thought it was refreshing and decided to play along while being reasonably sure it would go South fast. I chose "Truth" because only a moron says "Dare" right off the bat. His first question was "Do you like to kiss?" Pretty harmless I guess, but from there it goes downhill because there is no other way to go.
He wants to "be honest". If a man on an online dating site asks if he can be honest with you, brace yourself. There is usually some kind of personal "issue" bomb or explicit comment headed your way.
He goes Buffalo Bill. If you follow DoucheArt at all you know that I seem to attract guys who quote Silence of the Lambs", or tell me that they like Big Beautiful Women (BBW) because "you can be rough with them and they have soft skin that jiggles when they walk". I don't know if this is because I'm clearly "All about That Bass" or because I must look like some kind of edible deliciousness but there is something incredibly creepy about having a man you don't know make comments about your skin. The truth, and not to brag, is I do have naturally soft skin. I also work hard to have soft feet because those rarely come naturally. But it doesn't feel like a compliment when someone who can only see a picture starts making comments about the texture of my skin or making comments about eating me. I mean, maybe if they said something along the lines of "Oh Baby, you have such a soft looking, smooth, wrinkle and acne-free face" it would be applicable (on the rare occasion that is actually the case). But when they start making typos and the word "skinless" comes up it is just best to walk away because it is going to lead to asking if you want company, and you don't. Just no.
Sometimes it pays to be a Judgy McJudgypants. Yes, I totally just said that. For all of the things I'm seriously laid-back and non-judgmental about, when you are on an online dating site and a man tells you he is looking for someone open-minded OR nonjudgmental you should start mentally preparing yourself. This, in my opinion, isthe number one way to tell if it is about to get weird. I've come to believe that online dating sites are a hotbed for men with fetishes. Fetishes as a general rule don't bother me, but when it comes to online dating sites you're going to encounter people who perhaps feels a little self-conscious or insecure about their fetish (like the guy who thought smoking and latex was a weird thing to be into--I consider that to be pretty tame), people who have a hard time meeting people willing to indulge in their more extreme fetish, and straight up weirdos. In fact, most of the aforementioned clues to weirdness are (obviously) really about fetishes.
If you're interested in hearing what he is going to say and seeing what he is into, then by all means ask him what exactly he means by nonjudgmental. I find that taking the direct approach will get you the most straightforward answer every time because they don't expect it. Though I highly recommend bearing down and going somewhere where your reaction wont be seen or heard by others, especially if he says both open-minded and nonjudgmental.
I've encountered two "gentlemen" who were looking for someone who was both open-minded and nonjudgmental. One was openly into feet, which doesn't bother me so much. What DID bother me was when he started telling me that he was actually into trampling. If you don't know, trampling is a specialized kind of foot fetish which can involve stepping, walking, and stomping on the person. Long story short, he wanted me Snausage Stomp him. Then he told me he wanted to watch me step on fish while wearing flip flops. Gross. Sorry, but I don't believe in harming or involving animals, reptiles, bugs or fish in my sexual exploits. Ever.
The other "gentleman" said he was looking for someone open-minded and when I asked what that meant he said his interest was non-sexual, but he wanted me to think about all the men who had ever hurt me before and then kick him "in the balls" until he fell over, after which he wanted me to describe how I would step on him. Our conversation ended there but in hindsight perhaps I should have gotten his number...
Overall, the lesson I've taken away from online dating that I've come here to share with you is that things are rarely as innocent as they seem. I honestly believe in online dating and that there are people out there who are normal, functional, and interested in a relationship but might have a hard time meeting people in person or are shy. Maybe I'm more of an optimist than I realize, but I think it is important to be wary and expect that a good portion of the interactions you have are going to get weird even when they start out in a seemingly normal manner because sometimes you have to kiss more than a few frogs before you find a prince.
What signs have you noticed that things are about to get weird when having a conversation with someone on an online dating site?
I can't for the life of me figure out why adults ask children what they want to be when they grow up. Maybe because it is cute, maybe it is to start focusing them on some goal to work towards for their adulthood.
Mine changed every year. You could always tell when I had a teacher I liked because that year I wanted to be a teacher. Other years I wanted to be a veterinarian, maybe one year even a nurse.
But one summer, I decided I wanted to be a fashion designer.
I spent hours on the back porch of our house, drinking kool-aid and drawing what I thought were glamorous fashions on paper. I barely remember any of them, but I can't imagine what I thought glamorous was at the time... at I was a child during the early 90's.
I don't know if any of those drawings still exist, but I'm hopeful they don't. Fashion designer. Good grief. I can barely dress myself some days.
Finally, Friday! It actually wasn't that long of a week, but that might be because my weekend is starting early. But I'm ready. Really.
- I deactivated my Facebook account this week, which only lasted a day because I realized that because I had done it out of the blue and I didn't want people to worry. But clearly I've let things get to a point where I need to actually step away from social media because the drama isn't something I need in my life, it has become a huge distraction for me, and I need to do more ACTUAL interacting with people I care about.
- I had to work overtime.
- Some friends have been facing some personal losses and struggles, and while that isn't a fail for me... I feel for them so hard and wish I could make things better for them.
- I didn't get anything done around the house except laundry. Like, I avoided my house this weekend way more than I should have.
+ That fight I had with Bonehead last week? Well, sometimes fighting with Bonehead is exactly what needs to happen in my life. I know that sounds loony, but wait... I can explain. Fighting with Bonehead isn't like fighting with other people. When I get mad at Bonehead and then we argue, I get SO much madder than I do at anyone else. I think a huge part of that is the fact that I rarely ever get actually mad or angry with him, so when I do it is seriously ROUGH. And while we get frustrated with each other and downright stubborn, selfish and inconsiderate... for the most part, we still stay respectful of each other and that is important.
The wonderful thing about Bonehead is when we have a problem... one of us always comes back around and says, "So WHY do you feel that way?" or "Why did you react so strongly to that?" And it isn't said with aggression, and it isn't instigating another fight because it isn't about walking away and coming back to reiterate your points again (like more people do). It stops being about opinions and makes it about feelings, and feelings don't always make sense. Questions like that make all of the difference in the world sometimes because sometimes being asked to explain your feelings and reactions not only helps the other person to understand you, but also causes you to explore your feelings deeper and sometimes shows you where personal issues and baggage might be impacting your relationships with other people.
This time, it was me. It was totally me. I have social anxiety, which got worse during my relationship with my ex... much worse. I didn't realize it, and couldn't really explain it. Unfortunately, to Bonehead I seem like a fully functional adult who answers the phone for a living and appears to only have a moderate dislike for people until a situation arose and I acted like an ass. Being forced to explain that my Introvert nature has taken a turn towards agoraphobia made me realize that I need to work on some things before I end up weighing 600 pounds, surrounded by cats and can't make it through my hoard to the door to let the Hoarders producers in. I'm not kidding... I'm an overweight cat lady with hoarding tendencies and I cannot afford for my general dislike of the public at large to turn into full-blown agoraphobia.
So... it's a positive. And don't show up at my house with A&E or I'll kick you in the crotch I swear. My house is just cluttered, I don't need a professional intervention yet.
+ I spent time with my Mom this weekend and my nephew on Saturday who called me and invited me over to watch "Cool Runnings" with him because... well, "Cool Runnings".
+ I'm only working a half day this Friday (whoo-hoo!) and I got extra hours this week so I don't lose any pay. Whoop!
+ Sunday Night my mom made some amazing Butternut Squash soup. It was awesome and low calorie.
+ I've been under my calories a lot this week. Not every day, but I'm doing better. Which is awesome.
Overall, it's been a pretty positive week. What about you?
My Open-Mouth Insert-Foot Disorder is acting up again.
Unfortunately, my brain seems capable of realizing just how bad my faux pas actually is only after it has completely escaped into the world to shock and offend. It seems there are people who are able to "pinch off" their verbal load mid-evacuation... sadly, it does not appear to be a skill I possess.
While it plagues me, my struggle with saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and to the wrong person is by far not the the worst case I've ever seen. Oddly enough, it appears I DO in fact have a filter. It's just glitchy selective as to when it wants to operate, and even when I try not to say anything sometimes a snort, snicker or giggle escapes... any of which are usually preferable to what might really be going on in my head.
But I'd be a liar if I said I'm not struggling and it's happening in the worst places possible lately.
I find that my Open-Mouth Insert-Foot Disorder is exacerbated by personal conversations. I'm really lucky to have the friends that I do because every single one of them either accepts/excepts the inappropriate and generally snarky strands of word turds that come out of me or revels in them; People who can't find the funny in my "disorder" or my general way of being don't often last long.
I went in to the workplace as a naive 17-year-old thinking that like anything else in life I would make friends and it would be ok in spite of being work. In fact, for a very long time I felt I HAD to be friends with the people around me, as if being friends with everyone were part of my job, a sign of being a good employee. Though I don't know where that idea came from, I still fought to implement it.
Someone once told me you should never discuss sex, politics or religion in mixed company. Another little gem I've heard often: one should never shit where they eat.
I have always tried to be mindful of those oh-so-relevant life lessons. Which kind of places me in quite a pickle. One would think such knowledge of one's self combined with common sense would discourage me from making more personal connections and having conversations where opinions might come into play. Unfortunately, that mixed company line becomes incredibly blurred when you work in a small office with people who talk about everything from hot flashes to dinner recipes and have a coworker who has hung a picture of Jesus in her cubicle and has been known to chastise and condemn the others of the same faith in the office for not being as rigid or unyielding in their religious observations as she is (Lent is super fun).
If you struggle with Open-Mouth Insert-Foot Disorder, you can probably imagine what a hotbed for unsuitable conversation this is for me. Hell, someone who doesn't struggle with tasting their own foot on a regular basis can probably see how this could be a huge problem for everyone involved and quite possibly a human resources nightmare.
I learned how to avoid conversational landmines years ago at my first "real" job; However, I find the most benign topics in both social and work-related situations turning into controversial discussions lately and not consistently due to commentary made by me. I've been incredibly hard on myself for giving into the pressure to socialize only to find myself sucked into yet another uncomfortable conversation. I go home at night and find myself rehashing conversations and wondering if I could have said or not said something and avoided the whole mess. I wash away the dirt from the day in the shower and my thoughts seem to bounce off the tile walls back at me in a deafening echo of what I woulda, shoulda, coulda said. In the morning, the Earth's gravitational pull seems like it might overcome me, as if it can sense my waning energy and thinks it might be best if I just stay home watching Netflix for the day with my phone turned off.
It is hard not to stay in bed; I want to stay home because I'm exhausted from the combination of these discussions that make me so angry inside and forcing myself to not say what is really on my mind. Day after day of listening to ignorant things said about things I actually know and care about or watching another innocent conversation lead to a soapbox rant. Every weekend I go home angry for not being able to stop myself from saying what little I thought I could get away with while swallowing huge, hot loads of anger and growing resentment and I wait to see if the dreaded "Please, don't come back" call comes. Then I log on the Internet to find more of the same.
And I think to myself...Just Don't Speak. This doesn't have to be hard. Just don't speak. If you do your job and don't say anything, no one can hold that against you. If you just scroll past it, there can't be repercussions.
When things get like this, I often remember one of my favorite episodes of Malcolm in the Middle. After being kicked off of the basketball team for criticizing the coach's game plans, Malcolm realizes that his smart mouth consistently gets him into trouble and vows to keep his opinions to himself. In a very short time, he reclaims his position on the basketball team, gets on good terms with his girlfriend, earns an allowance from his father and begins enjoying a less stressful relationship with his mother.
It isn't long, however, until Malcolm's inner voice grows angrier and more sarcastic when finally, just as the coach is about to put Malcolm into the game... he spits up blood. His parent's take him to the doctor, who reveals that Malcolm has the stomach of a middle-aged man and is suffering from a peptic ulcer, brought on by all of his bottled-up stress. The episode ends with Malcolm letting it all go.
Every time I start feeling this way, things seem to be going fine until my stomach rumbles and I consider that I might finally be developing that ulcer.
Like everyone else, I have a lot going on right now. As much as I would love to be friends with everyone, I've come to realize I generally work with people that I wouldn't choose to be friends with. That doesn't mean I couldn't make friends in the workplace and it isn't a statement about my coworkers, it just means that we weren't all chosen to be here based on our ability to be friends with each other and it is ok to acknowledge that. That also means that not only do I not have to have personal conversations with anyone, but I also don't have to take things like bigotry personally because conversations shouldn't even get to that depth point.
I'm kind of hiding out from social situations. I don't really have anything good to say and I get tired of watching my friends feign interest in my uglier thoughts. Not to mention the incredible case of the fake people I seem to have caught as of late. So I'm hiding out. I need to be doing some thinking and personal self-growth right now anyway so it all works in the end. I feel guilty because I'm not out and about interacting, but... I don't have anything awesome to say right now.
I've felt really awful lately because I've been holding myself responsible for things that I shouldn't because of my little "problem". I don't need to fill every silent moment with the sound of my own voice; I need to work on being comfortable with my own silence again. I'm never going to cure my Open-Mouth Insert-Foot Disorder and it doesn't matter how much prescription strength Tequila I can get my hands on (which really DOES help). I've sat here blaming myself for OTHER PEOPLE saying things that go beyond Open-Mouth Insert-Foot Disorder. And who honestly needs to take more responsibility for things like that?
Maybe, just maybe... I'm doing alright. I might be hiding out and avoiding social situations. And things might take awhile to change after having been the girl who always has something to say, but it isn't like I'm still not going to slip up and say shitty inappropriate things... but for right now, I think I'm just going to focus on not saying anything if I don't have anything nice to say, and thinking before I speak and if I say something wrong, so be it. But at least I'm not getting an ulcer.