Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Breaking up is hard to do

Some of you may or may not have noticed that I removed mention of being a Stepparent in training (does anyone actually read this?).  Yes, sadly, the boyfriend and I are no longer.  The end is unfortunate, and perhaps I shouldn't say anything about it as there are situations pending, but I feel like I need to emotionally purge.  I do not hate him.  I do not know if I love him anymore...clearly not enough to be in a relationship with him.  I don't know if I care; I must care because I'm hurting. That is all that I know right now.

I am hurting....

What more is there to say?  I'm hurting for all of the good things about him that I really loved, many of which I rarely got to see in the last few months.  I'm hurting for all of the things I wanted from him.  From Us.  All the things I once greatly believed that I thought we could be.

I am hurting....

Over the betrayals and the broken promises that every ending relationship has.  Over the hurts we caused each other that, in hindsight, caused use to grow and change in ways that weren't healthy and drove us away from each other.  Over feeling like I wish two people could just walk away when it is clearly over without destroying whatever goodness once existed between us.  Over what he did that made me feel like it had to end the way it did.

I'm hurting....

because my apartment that I allowed him to move into with me feels so tainted.  Nearly everything in that home is mine, things I worked for and earned and brought into the relationship.  We acquired very little together, perhaps I knew it would end up like this.  But now nothing feels like mine and mine alone...everything in there he has touched or used at some point.  I'm also left with a pile of things that he broke and we were "making do" until it could be replaced.  Some things he replaced with something similar, or something I'd rather have and while he bought them for me to replace what he ruined, I feel like HE bought them versus he REPLACED them.  He didn't come with much of his own, and I don't think he ever had to deal with the hurt of having what he worked so hard to earn carelessly ruined by another person and might never understand what that feels like.  I also have the pain of the things he broke that can never be replaced...like gifts from my father.

I'm hurting....

Because I've spent the last few days packing up his things; I haven't been able to attack the house and try and scrub away every DNA trace that he was every there and until I manage that I'm not going to feel right. And because even after I scrub it away, I'm very aware that I can't scrub him away from my heart or the impact on the my life, both good and bad.  It's only been a few days.  I still feel "programmed" to his schedule, and find myself having a hard time at the hour I would normally be preparing dinner and waiting for him to come home.  Going to bed is hard...every night he insisted that a fan be blowing, and I'm no longer cold but I still feel my foot reaching out for his warm leg.

I'm hurting....

because I know it isn't over.  His stuff is still there and while I've tried to be kind and fair and good about making sure that everything that is his gets returned...I'm afraid he is still hurting and angry and will seek to be hurtful towards me by taking everything he can from me, spitefully nickle and dime-ing me for small things after destroying or ruining so many of my belongings.  It makes me sad that I really feel he will lash out at me with as much fury and spite as he can.

I'm hurting....

because his daughter is going to be hurt.  We grew close over the years, and while I admittedly often felt incredible frustration and even resentment at the fact that I often felt taken advantage of in regards to being left responsible for her care and well-being, there are things I did and choices I made because I genuinely love her.  I will probably never see her again.  I will not pursue a relationship with her because of the way things stand between her father and I.  I would not be able to have a separate relationship with her without consequences from him and that is sad.  But I hope she knows I loved her, and that I fought to be a positive influence in her life until it got to a point that I could no longer do it.  She is a bright and beautiful girl who could grow up to do and be something really great, I will forever hope for her.

I'm hurting....

because I loved him.  I can admit that at this moment, I still love him for all the the good things we shared and were to each other.  I love him for being the kind of person that, once upon a time, I could tell almost anything to.  For a long time, he supported me without question.  He spoiled me and it made him happy to do so.  We shared secrets.  I'm overwhelmed with the sadness that I'm losing someone that was once my best friend and that we will never be able to at the very least have that friendship ever again.

In my heart of hearts, I truly want to believe that he really did love me.  I believe that he loved me more than he knew how to handle, that he wanted to spoil me and be good to me and make me happy...but he just never learned how to act.  I think he wanted to love me, he just really and truly did not know how.  So here I am learning how to live again.  Live without this person I loved so much and create a "new life" for myself and it is so hard.

This is a pretty pointless post.  I just wanted to get those feelings out there, maybe someone can relate....just so you know that you're not alone though you might feel that way.

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