Wednesday, September 18, 2013

I am not Inspector Gadget (NSFW)

If you're offended by the word "Vagina" or talking about vaginas...stop here.  There is nothing in this post you want to read.  Just click somewhere else and let's continue to be friends, ok?

In the past few months, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend on my Facebook newsfeed.  And I’m not talking about the memes with pictures of abused children/animals, people experiencing medical emergencies, and people holding signs for “Likes” so they can have a puppy.   I’m not even going to complain about the pictures of old ladies that say shit like “Share, or your Grandma will DIE!”.   Not today, anyway.  No, what’s bothering me today is the Vaginas.  Yes….the bajingos, bearded clams, vertical smiles, cookies, and whisker biscuits.

I love Art in all forms-painting, sculpture, architecture, music and poetry, body art, photography, drama and dancing.   Being a creative person myself, I love to see the different ways others express themselves and I’ve befriended many artists.   Many of them share their own work; some frequently share works they like as well. I’m not a prude and I don’t mind nudes.  I’m just not the kind of person who is offended by the human body-we’ve all got one and some are frickin fantastic (feel free to let your mind wander to Channing Tatum).  But I’m not going to spout off some crap about the human body being beautiful either because there is nothing beautiful about testicles or “Bea Arthur Naked”.

But this thing on my newsfeed is something else.  I have an artist friend who has taken to sharing art that she likes.  It didn't take long before I started to notice that this woman is a little bit obsessed with naked women, and vajayjays.  Her own art often features female figures with exaggerated lady bits-think Kim Kardashian’s ass on steroids.  The art she shares varies, but there are always naked women and vaginas; even the digital art screams Georgia O’Keeffe only less talented.



Flower of Life II by Georgia O'Keeffe


When it first started happening, I thought there was something wrong with me.  I know that seems like an exaggerated response, but I was seeing SO many lady parts during the day that I was starting to feel like an underpaid OB/GYN; the only difference was that I had to look at it all day and not, you know, glove up and do shit with them.



I DON"T have what it takes to be a Gyno Girl


And lesbihonest, who the hell sees bajingos everywhere?  Was there a “change” my mom or the high school health teacher forgot to stand in front of me and give me an incredibly awkward speech about?  Was I having a heterosexual crisis?   I’ve always been attracted to men who are on the heavier side; was I dating men with moobs because I really wanted to be dating someone with boobs?  I went through a pretty intense personal scrutiny about my sexual preference…somewhere in the past 27 years did I miss all the signs that I was a lesbian?

I finally had to ask someone else.  And I asked a lot of other people...men and women, straight and gay, young and old.  They all told me the same thing and I learned a whole bunch of new words for vagina, including "bird" (this has amused me to no end since I heard it).  So either everyone I know, plus a whole bunch of strangers on the internet, are unrefined classless oafs who are incredibly ignorant about art or this woman spends her entire day looking at and creating vaginas and strange breasts in mixed media.

And, for the record, I'm not anti-vagina.  You can't be "anti-vagina" when you are the life support system for one...I mean, I guess you CAN be but it seems really counter-productive to me.  Isn't it easier to hate Monsanto or other socially acceptable objects of hatred like Nazis, or children's cartoon characters?  I'm not saying we should get all "Hail the V" commercial about it, but you know...like it enough to give it a cute name, and maybe a V-Steam from time to time. 



All Hail the V

Now, I know ART isn't the worst thing I could have popping up on my newsfeed (guy who likes and comments on "The Cougar Club" had his status messages turned off months ago).  All I'm saying is  I'm starting to get funny looks from people who sit behind me in places like coffee shops, and I'm afraid people in my living room or at work are all starting to think I'm some kind of weirdo because of all the multicolored nipples and what looks like pearl tickling going on.  Just, quit with the frickin who-has all day...because if this keeps up, I'm going to unfriend you and send you a batch of Vulva/Vagina Cupcakes...and I'll even make them myself. 


2 comments:

  1. 1. I LOVE the word "bajingo" and those episodes of Scrubs. My husband & I say "Paging Dr. Backbone to the Bajingo ward" to each other pretty often, and he even spelled out "BAJINGO" on the fridge with letter magnets. If you go to my "Comfytown Chronicles" FB page and click through the Cover Photo images, it's in there!
    2. I know what you mean. Only gay dudes are "anti-vag" but sometimes you don't want to look at that shizz. Example; The baby shower cake AWFUL picture all over FB w/the baby doll head poking out of a red vagina. GROSS! and it would NOT stop showing up. I closed my eyes and it was burned into my brain, and guess what? You can't gouge out your Mind's Eye. I've tried.

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  2. Ha ha ha. I love the idea of subliminal vagina advertising. Plus, I totally want some vagina cup cakes for my birthday!

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