Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Dear Facebook...I'm NOT Ready to Date Again.

Dear Facebook,

I love you dearly and we've really shared some great times together.  All of the funny memes we laughed about, all the vague status messages we've passive-aggressively written, stalking my ex-boyfriends together and giggling at what they’re dating now, the current events you made sure to let me know about, and excitedly watching as the “Like” numbers on our status messages climb…it’s all really been special. 

We've had our rough times too.  Sometimes I've felt like you suggested certain people as “Friends I might know” just to hurt me.  Not to mention all the times I've mistakenly accepted a Friend Request only to end up having to block them for psychotic behavior because something about you kind of makes people crazy.  And I’m not going to lie…I’m starting to think that our relationship, with all the time we spend together and the fact that we are so dependent on each other, might not be so healthy.  But lately, I’m growing really concerned about something you've been doing.

We've been through a lot together when it comes to my relationships and you’re usually one of the first to know when my relationship status changes.   You've been the fly on the wall for so many flirty comments and the occasional sweet IM, and also brought me words of support from my friends and family during my worst breakups.  I really appreciate how supportive you've been throughout the relationship I left behind and the healing I've been going through, but…I’m really not ready to meet anyone new.  So while I’m sure you just want to see me smile again and excitedly check my messages all day, I need you to stop trying to get me to join online dating sites.



I'm not sure where this came from.  I've never even been on a bike, and I'm sure that is at least a prerequisite for this site. 



"Michael" has been a regular guy, a cop, and a doctor.  Thanks for recognizing that I love a man in uniform (cops, firefighters, UPS drivers, prison inmates, security guards...yeah, we all know I have a problem), but I'm pretty sure they don't want ME on Christian Mingle.  

I get it, you’re just trying to help.  But encouraging me to “Meet this Big Rig driving Cowboy” or showing me random pictures of men from websites who would probably try to exorcise my demons before trying to date me is not what I need.  And what makes it worse is that through all the things we've been through together, you just keep sending me these advertisements to meet people I would not be interested in dating on sites I’m not interested in visiting.  And Plenty of Fish…really?  Have you so easily forgotten the weirdo I met on there the last time I was single and looking?  Not to mention that a certain recently estranged husband of one of my favorite relatives has recently signed himself on there like a total Skeeze.  Don't get me wrong, I liked the guy and thought he was attractive enough...before he started acting like a skeeze.  Now,  I would die if I signed up and they tried to tell me he was a match for me.  DO YOU HEAR ME? D.I.E.  And this is what else is on that site...


...and this isn't going to get you anywhere with the local girls




I don't think I can afford the luxury of this guy's company.  He ended the section with a link to a YouTube video.  I've seen too many things on the Internet NOT to be afraid.  For all I know, it could be him doing the Drake Hands thing.  I don't know.  That was bad enough the first time. 

And, I'm not even including the guy whose headline said "My Penis has a Mullet", the married guy I used to work with, or the 3 guys I went to high school with.  For the record, I had to sign up in order to get all of that fun information.  Yikes.  Do I get credit for that?

So I need you to cool it right now.  Stop pressuring me...it's giving me some serious flashbacks to the days when the school's Guidance Counselor would come in and give us talks about Peer Pressure and make us role play.  *Shudder*  Or worse...when we had to take DARE classes and pretend to try and give or sell each other drugs when we didn't really know anything about them.  I mean really, of all the times I smoked pot was offered marijuana back in the day, no one ever awkwardly held it out to me and was like, "Hey...uhhh...want some....uhhh...marijuana cigarette?"

Facebook, while I understand you're all about "connecting", the best way to get over someone isn't to get on top of someone else...or under someone else.  Whatever.  You know what I mean.  But you need to seriously quit hounding me.  All that extra stress could lead me to actually searching for guys on Craigslist and not just laughing at the ads from people in my area.


Little interesting factoid about this guy...I've also seen his posts (he uses the same picture) looking for threesomes in the "Casual" section.  I can't help but think he probably cries after sex... and that would probably be a lot more awkward if three people were involved.



Fetishes amuse me.  Usually.  This is just confusing. (and FYI, I edited out the XXX photo that was included with this ad.  You're so welcome) 


This just sounds like some sex slave/trade scary shit.  Seriously.  If this is real, I wonder if dude realizes how effin' creepy he is. 


Don't worry about me.  I'm ok.  I'm enjoying my freedom.  I have plenty of time to start something serious with someone later on if I want to.  And it's not like I'll end up alone...if all else fails, I have a solution!


 Three words: MAIL ORDER HUSBAND.

So until I'm ready to actively start looking for another relationship...let's just cool it, ok?  Let's go back to posting memes and playing Candy Crush until I'm ready to puke.

With Love,

The Cheese One



P.S. Yes....DARE is a great program that is super helpful.  But...it was awkward and you know it.

P.P.S.  I really did sign up for Plenty Of Fish to get those screen shots.  I've already gotten a message...damn it.


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