Sunday, November 10, 2013

I Still Love My Ex

My first Sunday Confession post.  I hope you'll all join me!  Today's prompt: Love.  So, gimme your Love confessions.  Tell me about something, someone you love, an opinion about love....let's see what you got!

I'm still in Love with my Ex.  

I'm sure the first reaction or assumption to that is that I'm talking about the boyfriend-that-was and the truth is, I am.  And every single man I ever loved before him.

On Five Minute Friday last week, I blogged about being focused on finding my new Truth.  I'm still there.  I think a huge part of going through any breakup is to re-evaluate your goals.  I also think that sometimes you have to stop and think about the kind of people you are attracted to and whether or not that fits with the goals you have.

I've heard it said that "Men marry women like their Mothers" and vice versa about women and fathers.  I definitely think it is true.  On some level, we all seek a mate that exhibits personality traits we are familiar and grew up with.  Sometimes, that just doesn't work out for us and we have to figure out what it is that we are attracted to and whether or not we keep being attracted to that. Some people think that when you say "type" you mean haircolor or eye color, but things like temper, patience, and personality can be just as indicative as anything else.

Which is where I run into a problem.  I've beat my brain trying to figure out my type.  With each relationship that ends I find myself seeking out what was missing from the previous relationship in my next one.  I'm starting to find some little things...things that might connect them all.  But...for the most part, most of my exes had one thing about them that I loved like crazy.  It might have been the reason we were together,the reason I was initially attracted to them, a quirky sense of humor or personality trait, or something about the way they treated me.

But they've all been different.  And that small part of them....whatever it was, I'm still in love with.

Perhaps that sounds silly.  To be in love with someone because of something even after the relationship has ended, or after we've hurt each other, burned our bridges to the ground or fired emotional Nuclear Missiles at each other.  But that is the truth.

I still love the boyfriend-that-was for believing in not walking away because of a problem.  And while he never actually encouraged me to explore all of the things I wanted to when we were together, when I got on a kick and I wanted to try something or see something, he never stopped me.

I still love the ex I affectionately call "Bonehead" for being one of my closest friends, and for being the guy who can navigate an overreaction on my part like a pilot in a storm and then consistently landing the plane beautifully with some kind of advice or wisdom that has gotten me through more trials and situations that I can remember. The guy has seriously been that "pilot" in my life for nearly 7 years, and while we fall out of touch...we seem to just fall back into stride together with ease every time.  He "gets" me.  I put up walls with people, and he can see right through me.  When I use snarky bullshit to hide feelings of sadness or fear, he calls me on it.  There is no one I trust with the inner workings of my mind like him. 

I once dated the most incredible and difficult Texan...his affectionate/shitty nickname was Stupid Asshole.  At the time, I was facing some challenges in my life and he always encouraged me to be and do whatever I wanted to do.  And he was proud of me.  If I had to say something romantic about how I feel...I already had the wings, but he reminded me how to fly when I'd forgotten.

My High School Sweetheart.  Gosh.  What do I say about him?  I have a lot of regrets about that relationship, mostly due to being a teenager dealing with grief no child should experience and wanting a relationship we were both too young and immature to truly understand, want, or navigate.  At the time I believed he was the one, and maybe it was just being 17, but I used to remember telling him that he was the love of my life.  I've never loved someone the way I loved him.  We have over 20 years of history together, and for many, many years he was my best friend and confidant.  Though he likes to play hard-ass, he was and is one of the most loving and giving human beings I've ever known.  I find other people, when trying to be stupid, just plain stupid...but with him, it made me laugh and feel loved.  Once upon a time, he did things just to see me smile.

So there it is.  I still love my Ex.  Almost every single one.  And if I could take the parts that I love and put them in to ONE person, I'd have the perfect man.

And I totally went over 10 Minutes!


  1. WOW. Holy wow wow. I don't even know what to say about this. Mostly b/c I'm pretty buzzed, but also b/c I got a major case of douche chills about the 'marrying someone like your father' bit! (My father was a really old-fashioned racist.) I am not one to give advice, but one thing I do keep reminding my cousin, who is always looking for someone "perfect" is that a mate is also a PERSON, so none of them are perfect, and none of them will seem "perfect" for you, especially on paper. I'm not sure what YOU do, but my cousin will say something like "he's a plumber, it would never work" and THAT is ridiculous! She never even went on a date with him, how would she know it wouldn't work?
    My best relationships were with people that I never would have "picked" off a menu, or from some online dating sight, but I got to know them through friends, or at work, and even though we had a lot of different interests and opinions, we clicked and made it work. Make sense?
    I would suggest you just look for people to date, don't look for 'the one' for awhile. (One of them may turn into the one, but....) definitely go to places where you'll meet musicians, and smart people who will get you, that's important! That sounded like the best fit with you. I know places in Wisconsin have TONS of art exhibits, concerts, etc., I'm not sure how far they are for you, hopefully do-able, so you can meet someone you won't give a nickname that has the word "asshole" in it! hahahaha I think I'm over 10 minutes on this comment!
    I need to do my post, wish me luck!

    1. Hey Lady....thanks for stopping by! I'm not really looking for anyone right now....just stuck in that re-evaluation phase and the thing that keeps rolling around in my head is that I wish I could "Frankenstein" myself someone wonderful out of all the wonderful traits of the men I've dated in the past. I've gotten some of the BEST moments from the worst relationships.

      And that who "someone like the opposite sex parent" thing....just something they say. I've seen it where people marry a douche like their douche dad, where they marry someone patient and wonderful, and I've seen it where people marry someone who possess the one good quality their parent possessed.

      Thanks for stopping and reading, can't wait to read your post!

  2. My post is super weird, but hey, it's who/how I am right now!

  3. This. Is. Amazing. "Perhaps that sounds silly. To be in love with someone because of something ever after the relationship has ended, or after we've hurt each other, burned our bridges to the ground or fired emotional Nuclear Missiles at each other. But that is the truth." That's not silly, that's the beauty and mystery of love, and life.

    1. And a mystery is really friggin is! Hahahaha. Thanks for reading! I always love seeing your smiling face and comments on my posts!

  4. Here is my Sunday Confession: it's about my not-so-secret lady-loves.

  5. This is great. I love the honesty. We live in a culture that makes an ex a four letter word. I think it is so important to remember why we loved who we loved. Great post!

    Here is my Confessional:

    1. Well....I've dated a couple of four letter words. Truthfully, things usually end bad....but when I loved them, I really, really did