Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The Secret to a Nag Free Life (NOT for the Naggers)

I think at one point or another everyone has heard the phrase "We teach people how to treat us" and I've been really hard pressed to find a situation where it isn't true.

The other day I found myself writing an old friend that I haven't spoken to in a few years.  And I have to say, I love the guy.  I don't know that I could express how awesome he really is in order for you to understand how much I love him...but, the short version is that it's been nearly 7 years since I met him and he rides the storms with me.  We've gone through relationships, births, deaths and countless situations through the years and while we fall out of touch sometimes, we always seem to fall right back in step with each other.  He's one of my favorite people   But as long as I have known him, there are things he chooses to do when I'm not looking at him sideways that keep him in a position he doesn't want to be in, and then I realized...I think he likes it when I nag at him.  Like, literally likes it in a way that it makes him feel loved or something not "Oh, you're so cute when you're mad" likes it and it got me to thinking about the BTW who made me nag ENDLESSLY.  

Not every man likes it.  I think every woman who has ever had to nag or has, dare I say it, BECOME a Nag has done it because someone made her that way.  I normally just blame men, but let's be honest....children do it too. I'm just focusing on the men right now because this can be fixed.  The cold hard truth, men of the world, is that it doesn't have to be this way. 

Once upon a time, I was a girl who would ask a man to do something.  Nothing unreasonable or requiring life and limb to accomplish.  Just...a simple favor, something I can't do myself, a request for teamwork, or something they should have been doing all along anyway.  I would start by asking nice and I would say please.  When my first request was ignored...I would remind them.  After being forgotten or ignored yet again...I would explain WHY I needed them to do what I was asking to do what I was asking them to do and ask again.  After that, I would put on a push-up bra and do my best "I'm just a girl and need the help of a big, strong man" (because, let's be honest, some men really do respond to that).  If my request still went unfulfilled, I would trying bargaining....offering something they wanted in return for doing the thing I'd been asking them to do.  

Then, finally, after asking and bribing....I would get pissed.  And after I got pissed....I'd nag.  

Interesting thing about seems to get shit done.  Einstein once described Insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  What I think he meant was that doing something over and over again and expecting different results could DRIVE you Insane.  That being said...why the hell would any woman on the face of this Earth do things the roundabout way instead of just doing exactly what works?

I thought I was going to go INSANE with the BTW.  He would say "OK" to whatever I asked.  Then forget.  When I reminded him, he would forget again.  When I would leave him a note, text him, and message him on Facebook...he still forgot.  And we all know he didn't respond to the "I need a big strong man" because he just didn't give a shit.  And bargaining?  Well, let's just say asking him to take out the garbage came with a pretty hefty price tag.  Margaret Cho once said that being in a monogamous relationship could make you feel like being a prostitute working for really, really low wages.  Men...when you make certain things a job or a chore, it happens with the enthusiasm and frequency of a job or a chore. 

This blog has no point.  Seriously.  I just wanted to say that I don't want to be a Nag, so don't make me be one.  Work with me.  If you don't like what I'm asking you to do, let's work it out.  But one of the secrets of life is that....we teach people how we want to be treated.  If you show a woman you want to be nagged, she'll nag you...and she'll do it because it is very apparent that you want that.  And the trick to a nag free life is this: just do whatever it is she is asking you to do when she is still asking nicely.


  1. I won't nag you. If we've agreed garbage is your job and you don't do it, I'll eventually empty the garbage in your GD car.
    OR if I'm feeling SUPER DUPER NICE, I'll make a trade like "You do the dishes/laundry/whatever-the-fudge and I'll take the garbage out, but PICK SOMETHING YOU LAZY PIECE OF CRAPOLA!" and then I might Sack-tap you. If you're a dude.

  2. Someday, I might come live with you. Because you get it.