Friday, December 20, 2013

Dear Santa (a Christmas List from the More than Cheese and Beer Lady)

Dear Santa,

I know you've made your list, and checked it twice.  I'd just like to remind you that Naughty is the new Nice. It would be really unfair to attempt to punish me by NOT getting me a little something when you get such enjoyment out of my antics, and if you really see me when I'm sleeping like the song says...well, that's kind of weird, but we both know what you're looking at.  No judgement.  I'm just saying maybe you kind of owe me...pony up, and I mean cash, unless you can deliver THIS under my tree...

So, here's my list of things I'd really like this year:

1. Retirement.  If I had been smarter as a child, when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up I would have said "Retired".  Now, I truly understand my calling in life.

2. IV Caffeine/Vodka.  I've been begging to just be plugged in for years so this is not a new concept, I'm just suggesting that maybe this be the year.  Plus...I reach a point where I think coffee is trying to kill me from the inside, this would completely eliminate that problem.  The Vodka is self-explanatory.  Just, try and find a way to make this happen.

3. All in One Washer/Dryer.  Is this a thing and I just missed it?  Because not having to switch over the laundry would be awesome.  Plus I wouldn't have a repeat of last weekend when I started the wash and left it soaking.

4. I would really like a fat bank account and slim body.  I know I haven't asked for this for a few years, because you seem to always get the fat/thin part swapped, but...maybe just consider trying again this year because money is really tight.

5. I don't know if you've noticed, but I am without a vehicle in Wisconsin during December.  Something?  Even a bus pass?

6. Calorie-Free Chocolate and more wine.

7. I don't think I'm ready to date again.  I don't know that I'll ever be ready to date again.  I've considered it.  I even signed up on POF and sadly regret it (you should bring those guys some coal).  But...I might settle for a really cute guy to take garbage out, carry groceries, do manly things, and snog with.

8. Potty Training....while you're at the house, can you teach my cats to use the potty and flush?  I'm tired of litter boxes.  Just...think about it.

9.   Peace on Earth.  Goodwill towards men.  Marriage equality.  And Legalization of Marijuana.

10.  This might be a tricky one, and maybe in the Spirit of Christmas I'm not supposed to ask for this, but...if you and the reindeer could "accidentally" run over (9 Reindeer + Large Man/Toy-laden Sled) my ex that would be wonderful.

So....just think about it.

All My Love,
The Cheese and Beer Lady

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