Sunday, December 22, 2013

Tree Theft


Today's Sunday Confession prompt:
TREE

Growing up, we would go out and find a tree for Christmas.  We'd struggle the tree through the front door and finally get it set up.  Then we would decorate it with lights and ornaments and then my sister and I would argue over which tree topper to use.  When we were all done, I'd run and shut the lights off so we could all "Ooooo" and "Ahhhh" at the tree, sometimes laying underneath it and looking up at all of the pretty lights.

When I moved out on my own, I never had a tree.  It always seemed like an expense I couldn't afford for something only I would see.  At some point, however, I'd started to dream of my own tree.  I suspect it was the year one of the offices at the hospital where I worked had a giant, beautiful tree decorated in a peacock theme; It was the most beautiful tree and I started longing for one just like it.

Last year, the boyfriend-that-was said he would buy me a Christmas Tree.  We went shopping and he sat there on a bench while I walked through the "Enchanted Forest" looking for the tree I'd been dreaming of.  When I would ask him his opinion or his thoughts on the size or the color, he would glance over and tell me, "Whatever you want, this is your Christmas gift." or  "Whatever.  It's your Tree.  You buy whatever makes you happy".  I finally picked one and we brought it home.  

The next week, his mother invited me to help myself to whatever I wanted from the basement as she had all of her Mother's ornaments and she had so much that she couldn't give them away, but couldn't bring herself to throw them.  They were mostly crafts she'd done to entertain herself, nothing of huge monetary value and there was so much that there were still four huge boxes of "sentimental value" in the basement when we left.  

We decorated the tree with the Kiddo (my ex's daughter).  I then spent the following weeks trying to find a special ornament to commemorate our first Christmas together.  My tree was beautiful and I loved it.  My ex had me show everyone the picture of the tree and told everyone proudly that it was part of my Christmas gift that year.

You can imagine my surprise when after our break-up he sent me a long rambling text, claiming I was keeping his things and not returning HIS tree.  Truth be told, December snuck up on me and I've had a hard time getting into the holiday spirit with everything that has happened in the last few months. When I started thinking about getting ready for Christmas, I wasn't sure how I would feel about setting up a tree he gave me when I've worked so hard to clear him and all reminder of him out of my life. 

It's depressing.  Really. 

Perhaps I'm being petty and I do know that I owe him his box of ornaments that once belonged to a woman he openly said he hated.  But to have him text me and accuse me of tree thievery...it makes me angry.  Nearly three years I allowed someone to call me names; names no one had ever disrespected me enough to call me before.  When it happened, I was devastated, crushed even.  But now there is a small part of me that is so incredibly angry at myself for getting upset at being called names that never applied to me.  Being falsely accused of being a tree thief has suddenly made all the things he called me and accused me of in the past so funny.  The accusation that the embarrassing, drastic and humiliating steps I was forced to take to end the relationship were really made in order to keep a tree I was given as a gift has really put things into perspective for me.  

I let him cut me down with lies. I drank his kool-aid.  I've sat here all hung up about this tree, but a gift is something you give to another person to make them happy.  I've sat here feeling like I can't set up the tree because HE gave it to me, because I've been afraid of the memories.  That doesn't leave space or opportunity for new ones for me to make with MY tree.  Who cares if he was the one who gave it to me?  So yeah...I guess I am a Tree Thief in the sense that now I'm taking back MY holiday and I'm going to start by decorating MY tree.  

So, Jingle my Bells and Suck on my big, beautiful, and sparkly spruce.  And another thing...






I never do Sunday Confessions alone.  Please check out these wonderful bloggers who have joined me this week:

No comments:

Post a Comment