Friday, January 31, 2014

Stoic

My Grandma passed away recently.  It hasn't been a month yet, but I still haven't even cried about it.  I acknowledged the loss publicly and said little else about it.  I met with a friend a few days later, and they asked how I was doing and told me I was being rather stoic about it.

Stoic.

I've never used that word to describe myself, or anyone else.  I still don't know how I feel about it.

There are some members of my family that claim stoicism is a Scandinavian trait.   Much of my makeup is Scandinavian, so perhaps it is just one of those things.  My first memory of loss was the death of my paternal grandmother who passed when I was eight years old.  My own father's sudden death when I was 14, a number of losses since then including two classmates my senior year, and having spent some time training to be a Nursing Assistant might have something more to do with my seemingly insensitive reaction to death.

The feeling I find most significant after a death is that moment in the middle of your grief and mourning when you look around at the rest of the world, and life is still happening.  Everyone goes about their business without even so much as a hiccup while inside of you there is nothing but turbulence and all you can do is sit and watch until the next wave of grief overcomes you.  It isn't that I don't grieve.  I am not without feelings or tears.  I've known depression after the loss of someone I love.  I know how it feels when someone close to you dies suddenly.  While I understand that everyone grieves in their own way, I suspect others find me to be apathetic because I don't mourn the way others seem to.

Perhaps I'm not the most comforting person.  I am uncomfortable initiating physical contact with people I do not have close personal relationships with; I'm not opposed to it and I quite enjoy it, but I don't reach out to people.  When someone close to me experiences a loss, I am left at a complete and total loss of words and not because I don't have anything to say.  More often than not, I feel like I end up saying something inadequate because I remember all of the "sympathetic" things people said to me when my father died and I make it a point not to say those trite, cliche things that are meant to comfort but exacerbate the emotional wound.  I despise watching people use religion based condolences to try and comfort someone who doesn't believe or is another faith.  Unfortunately, I can't really judge because even with my comprehension and compassion for the situation all I usually manage is to mumble a feeble and utterly generic "I'm sorry for your loss".

I'm not really afraid of dying; I'm afraid of what comes after dying.  I'm afraid that  I'll die not having accomplished anything, or that I will have died not really being loved by someone else.  I want a expensive long obituary, not six sentences with my name, dates of birth/death, and where the service is being held.  I'm literally terrified that when I die, there will be no one there to mourn me because I've spent my entire life being misunderstood.  That, on the day of my funeral, it will be proven that in life and death I truly was unlovable.   Or worse, that everyone who shows for my final send off will be scenic mourners who spent the majority of years prior to my death having nothing to do with me.

I firmly believe weddings and funerals bring out the best and worst in people, and I've been to enough such events to know.  As a result, I detest ridiculous antics, and one-upmanship at funerals in the name of mourning.  If I died tomorrow, would my stories, the details of my life and the things I've written on social media and here on my blog be used be someone to convey a close, personal relationship with me that we didn't have?

I've spent a lot of time this week thinking about ageing, mourning, and death, especially because I feel like my acceptance of death as a natural process and the only thing we're guaranteed in this life is disturbing to others.  My intent is not to be flippant or disrespectful about it.  While what I'm saying right now and my use of words like "dead", "die", "died", and "dying" might seem that way, but it is not because I am without compassion or feeling.  I am confused by people who act as though someone who has lived a long, full life has no right to die.  Losing someone is sad, but you can't reasonably expect people to live forever.  Surely I cannot be the only person who feels this way?

 Perhaps this is my way of addressing my own fears about my mortality.    The truth is, I'm not afraid of dying...I'm afraid of what dying would reveal about who I am, or should I say was?  I'm struggling with mourning right now because I'm struggling with life.  I'm afraid if I start, there will be an emotional snowball and I won't be able to stop rolling downhill.

I guess until the time is right, I'll just have to remain Stoic.


The Pit and The Peak 1/31/2014

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend
Happy Friday Everyone!  I'm so glad to be here posting The Pit & The Peak hosted by Allie @ Tales of a Twenty Something and Jen @ That's What She Read (have I told you how much I LOVE the names of their blogs?!?!)  for my second week.  I have SO much to share this week!



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PITS
- Unfortunately, I'm still struggling with finding a replacement vehicle.  All I really want is to fix MY car but I know that it would only be a matter of time before "the end".  

- I have a ton of paperwork to do for various things (legal things, taxes, etc) and I've been neglecting all of it. 

- When the New Year came, I said I wasn't going to make people who treat me like an option priorities in my life anymore.  I have someone in my life that I apparently need to put a little distance from, and that is always hard.

- This weekend is going to be dedicated to cleaning.  My house is in sad shape and I'm unhappy about it. 

- Polar Vortex.  Need I say more?  The snow and the cold is just NOT stopping here.  There is more snow coming tomorrow. 

- I did this thing on Time Magazine's website that calculates how much time I've spent on Facebook.  It wasn't good.  It really wasn't good.  Especially because I lied about how much time I spend on Facebook...like, I grossly under reported the hours I spend on Facebook.  I still got these results...



PEAKS
- I found the energy to clean the Guinea Pig cage AND give them a bath and trim their nails.  It went smoothly.  Which is a big deal. 



- I baked cupcakes for a potluck at work.  They turned out wonderful and got great reviews.  (Recipe to follow soon)

Bacon French Toast cupcakes with Vanilla Maple Cream Cheese Frosting

Chai Tea Latte cupcake with Vanilla Buttercream


- I got to try three new foods at the potluck yesterday!  One coworker brought in Elk Meat. 

Another coworker called "Ricey Cheesy Bally Thingies" that his Korean wife makes that he wanted to share with us.  The recipe consists of sticky rice, and chopped carrots, onion, green pepper and red potato formed into a ball around a small piece of American Cheese, which is then dipped in egg, rolled in bread crumbs and fried.  

That same coworker also brought Smoked Eggs. They're ugly, but surprisingly tasty...



- I received my free trial (I DID pay for shipping) of the Essentials Bundle from The Honest Company on Tuesday.  My hands are literally surviving the Polar Vortex due to the Healing Balm.  I'm still trying out the other products, but so far I am LOVING the Lemongrass Hand Soap.  The face and body lotion is light and leaves my skin moisturized without feeling heavy.  I still need to try the laundry detergent.  But I'm really excited to try some of the other products out.   If you're interested, check out Things I Love for links!



- I got my Julep Box yesterday.  They included a Free Gift of a color called "love".  It is gold microglitter, with red glitter on top.  This might be the only thing I'm in love with this year for Valentine's Day.  Information about Julep is also on my Things I Love page, including the code to get your first box free!

- It's Friday.  And one of the VIPs at my company just called me to tell me I am the Reigning Cupcake Queen. 

Monday, January 27, 2014

Anonymous Confessions: Reconcile

Facebook is still making it increasingly hard for Pages and Bloggers alike to share content, sadly. So, we are still sharing page confessions. Now, Pages can submit their confessions as well! Here's what happened yesterday, anonymous confessions are BLACK, mine are PURPLE, and page confessions will contain a link!


"My mom and I have had a love/hate relationship for years. She was hard on me. Too hard. My sibling is the golden child and can do no wrong. She has uninvited me to Christmas because I had to spend time with my in-laws. It was an all or nothing. She causes me anxiety on a daily basis. BUT, now, she's getting forgetful. More forgetful than she should be and it scares the shit out of me. So even though I have a suitcase full of baggage, I realize that I might not have "her" for much longer. I forgive her. She doesn't even realized that I've been so mad at her for so long. I forgive her. I love her. I am going to enjoy her."

The Boyfriend-That-Was and I only really reconciled one time. I regret it more than anything I've said, done, or thought in the past 5 years. What is happening in my life right now, might have been avoided if I had walked away and never looked back years ago - More than Cheese and Beer

"Reconcile
r espect
e qual
c onsiderate
o ne
n ice
c haste
i nvincible
l oyal
e vil
That was the last one you were. Reconcile...pass. I HAVE reconciled myself to the idea its best you are gone. And I am happy with that."

Sometimes, I think the best reconciliation you can have is with yourself, not necessarily with others - MTCAB

"A year ago today I woke to my husband not at home. He'd left drunk and angry the night before. He told me we were really divorcing this time and I could have the house. His last words to me were 'fuck you'. I called his phone and a woman answered who spoke little English. She told me to come right away to room 342. I had no idea where. A few minutes later, a policeman came to my door and told me my husband was dead.
I was angry and hurt for a really long time. I struggled to help my kids to grieve their hero, to remember the good in their father when all I had in my heart was ugly bitterness.

Except today I forgive him. I let go of all of that and can actually see how things are better now than they might have been. He is finally at peace and so am I."
"I miss my ex-husband almost everyday. I often wish we could reconcile. I have to actively remind myself how unhappy I was and why I left in the first place. It's been 4 years."

"I've been thinking about this #SudayConfessions most of the week. I can't even wrap my head around the subject, so it's hard for me to put into words. My hope in writing this super emotional, sensitive subject will enlighten you all a little bit as to who I am, and also help me find a bit of myself as well since this subject tends to make me feel lost. If there are any of you who are going through this as well, hopefully I can at least be someone you can relate to.

I have a 3 year old daughter who will be 4 in June.
I was with her baby making donor for 2.5 years before having her. Had I known this is how things would've turned out..well, I don't know if I would've handled it differently.

To put it simply, he was never there. He never showed interest in her. He didn't help with anything. When I say didn't help, I mean literally. He never once changed a diaper, never once bathed her, fed her, clothed her, played with her, kissed her, held her.
 
Nothing.

I was a single parent with a roommate. He was too caught up in his stupid video games and worthless friends.

One day, when she was 4 months old, I was deathly ill with the Flu, she had Croup and a sinus infection. He sat on the couch all day playing his video games while I went to the store in a snow storm with her to get groceries. (This is the part where I mention he didn't have a job and I was supporting everyone and couldn't afford to be home sick from work). I came home and started cooking dinner, inbetween feeding her, rocking her, giving her meds, doing laundry, and having to forget that I was sick.

The fucker asked me if I needed help.

I lost it. I screamed at him and screamed at him and just let it all out. NOW you ask me if I need help? NOW?!?!

After my rant, he still didn't get up and help. So, I calmly walked over to the TV and shut off the ps3 in anger.

That was the wrong thing to do. He shot off the couch and threw me against the wall while I was holding my daughter.

I didn't fall, she wasn't hurt.

I called the cops and he was arrested and charged with Domestic Violence and child abuse.

That was 3 years ago, haven't seen or heard from him since, and it's been just her and I.

The reason I give you this back story plays into the rest of what I want to write about.
My daughter is getting older, and I know that she will soon be asking questions about it.
How do I tell her? How do I come to grips with what he did?
I have a lot to think about before that day comes. My wish is that someday when she's much older, (And he has grown the fuck up) she can have a conversation with him and maybe, in some alternate universe, have somewhat of a relationship with him. I don't know if that will ever happen, and for her protection, I'm not even sure I want it to.

For now, I have to reconcile with myself about what happened, and learn to forgive. But most importantly, I have to do it for her."


Someday, I'm going to have to reconcile with the guinea pigs. It's not wholly their fault that we don't like each other - MTCAB


Thanks for joining me this week.  Read Confessions HERE

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Reconcile

Today's Sunday Confession prompt:
RECONCILE



In trying to grow, heal and walk away from what was an unhealthy, dysfunctional and abusive relationship, I decided that there are things in me that existed before and exist now that need to be remedied if I do not want that situation to be my life.  In many ways, I'm seeking to reconcile some things within myself in order to move on.  I began exploring different beliefs and kinds of healing not only on physical levels, but on mental, emotional and spiritual ways that I had never really looked into before.  Through that exploration the last few months, I've experienced an overwhelming feeling of needing to "clean" my house, my life and my head and remove some of the negative influences that have found a way into my life.

One of the things I felt I needed to really focus on was the people in my life as I clearly have judgement issues.   I tend to judge people based on what I believe to be the content of their character and their potential as people instead of who they really are and how they act.  Unfortunately, I also tend to falsely believe that because I knew someone once, they are the same people or possess the same great qualities that made us sympatico to begin with.

In some way, it only felt natural to me to want to reach out to the people who once loved me so much and who were part of what I consider the best times of my life after leaving the most miserable time in my adult life.  There is a small part of me that hoped that maybe surrounding myself with the elements of a happier time would help me heal by reminding me of who I was back when I thought I was so happy.  Saying it out loud only makes it sound more ridiculous, but I genuinely believed that those people could still love me because I still believe good things about them and love them dearly.

It seems I still love some of the people in my life for who they were in the past and not for who and what they are now.  I haven't reconciled with that fact that just as I have grown and changed, so have they.  I'm having a hard time accepting, and in some cases believing, that the people who I once considered bosom friends have grown and changed into such unfortunate people.  

That sounds so self-righteous and it isn't meant to.  It is actually very heartbreaking for me to see people I once knew to be so many amazing things now a mere shell of their former selves, some barely recognizable.  I struggle to cherish the good memories and not believe that the people I once loved so dearly could be, in some cases, the monsters they've become.  And I do not use the term monsters lightly.  How do you reconcile the past with the present?  

It appears I need to grow up and let go of the childish idea that because I knew someone once, that I could still know them and love them years later.   I mistakenly thought people who once loved me and were so fiercely loyal to me still could be.  At this point, I look at other people who have had friendships spanning decades and wonder how that comes to be.  Perhaps those people chose to grow together while I'm trying to return to something didn't necessarily grow apart but grew independently in their own directions. 

Then, out of the blue, someone from my past sought to reconcile with me unexpectedly this week.  It came as a shock and a surprise.  At one point in my life, this person was someone very special.  I don't think I've let myself be so close to anyone in my adult life.  Unfortunately, there eventually came a point where a choice had to be made and the choice wasn't me.  I've made peace with that.  But now I'm wondering...does this person have a place in my life?  Have we grown and changed to a point where we could be a part of each others' lives,   or is this one of those times where I'm supposed to be learning something and this is a test?


MoreThanCheeseandBeer
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Friday, January 24, 2014

Five Minute Friday: Visit

Five Minute Friday

Interesting word.  One that has come up a few times in my life lately.  A couple of thoughts come to mind.  Specifically about a visit I have coming up.  

For the first time in over 3 years, I might get the chance to visit Bonehead.  

It's not that he is that far away from me, only on the other side of the state which is about a four hour drive but we haven't been close the last 3 years, and sometimes not even talking.  Then, combined with my vehicle problems it just ended up that it has been awhile. 

I'm going to be in the area in a few months.  I'm so nervous that it makes me nauseous.  In the last 3 years, I've struggled through a terrible relationship, gotten 3 years older and gained a kindergartner in weight.  I'm terrified.  I know he'll be happy to see me no matter what, but I really hate it when I see someone I haven't seen in years and they change drastically.  Not because there is anything wrong with that but because...well, I hate change and you can really see how someone ages.  I don't necessarily know that I'm like a fine wine and getting better with age. 

Months away and I'm so nervous that it has really helped me eat better, more sensible portions.  So that is good.  I know he'll be happy to see me and thrilled that I'm there.  But even though I know that, I'm still nervous.  Three years is a long time.  

Pit & Peak 1/24/14

So I'm growing and moving and trying new things and meeting new people.  The other day I stumbled across Tales of a Twenty Something and this morning I saw her post about Pit & Peak Link Up with That's What She Read and I knew I HAD to participate.


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PITS
- I haven't talked about it much, but my ex has been sending me harassing, abusive messages since November.  My name and reputation is being dragged through the mud.  He apparently has personal things going on and is incredibly upset that I am not responding to his messages so that I can be the person he takes his hurt and frustration out on.  Unfortunately, not answering his messages also makes me the focal point of someone who does not know how to handle his emotions appropriately.  

- Ear infection and creepy misplaced wrist bone.  A picture is worth a thousand words, right?


Ok...ignore the hairband mark on my wrist.  But...that white spot?  Yeah.  Not supposed to be hanging out like that.  Need I say more?

- I missed work to go to the doctor.

- Antibiotics suck and I've been "on the rocks" all week for the pain (that's what we call icing-don't anyone get up in arms about my drinking). 

- Today is pay day and I'm already broke. 


PEAKS
- At one point this week, I had a breakdown.  I'm so stressed and really having a time of it lately.  In the middle of this breakdown, I remember thinking about all of the things that haven't been going my way and how I really just want ONE thing to cling to that is positive and going well.  And then I realized...I have more than one.  I have a lot.  I am not alone.  I am loved.  I am supported and even though everything is awful right now, it will be OK somehow.  I think I really just want someone to coddle/cuddle me and tell me that while admiring me. 

-I have an awesome family who will rearrange work schedules to get me to the Doctor's office when I am sick. 

-I have awesome friends, and awesome readers.

-I'm discovering new, awesome and amazing bloggers to follow.  

- Sunday Confessions got more awesome this week with a Link Up AND my Sunday Confessions: Insecurities post got more views than any other post in the history of my blog.  That is a huge thing for me. 

- My blog officially became a DOT COM.  I know it is simple, but I'm so thrilled.

- My coworkers asked for baked goods.  This always makes me feel good.

- I'm down 11, maybe even 12 pounds now.  Which is cool.

- I have no plans this weekend so I'm hoping to write an excellent Sunday Confessions post and hoping to get some things done around the Cheese Hut.  

Monday, January 20, 2014

Anonymous Confessions: Insecurities

Yesterday, I made an embarrassing confession.  It got more attention than anything I've ever posted.  I'm still not sure how I feel about that.  But I'm glad everyone wanted to read about my awful experience.  If you missed it, you can read my Sunday Confession about Insecurities here.

There have been lots of changes around here lately.  I've added a Link Up to the bottom of posts so that bloggers who participate can share their posts.  If you visit my confession, please check them out.

Facebook is still making it increasingly hard for Pages and Bloggers alike to share content, sadly.  So, we are still sharing page confessions.  Now, Pages can submit their confessions as well! Here's what happened yesterday, anonymous confessions are BLACK, mine are PURPLE, and page confessions will contain a link!


MoreThanCheeseandBeer


"Where do I start...I have a lot. Insecure about my weight, my looks, my job performance, my parenting skills, and my communication skills! Those are just a few. Sometimes they get so bad that I take meds for them. Sometimes to hide them...I'm goofy and funny. I know I let this happen to me and only I can fix it."

"I have horrible insecurities. I hate talking about them because it lets people in on how I look at myself. I guess either way I'm committed to doing this so.....
I think that no matter how well I am doing, I'm not good enough to be loved. Nobody is ever going to love me the way that I need it because I can't open up and tell them the way that I need to be loved. 
If I'm not getting sex on a regular basis I feel as if a relationship is falling apart. I was abused when I was younger and I have been told that I see it as a form of affection. 
I'm over weight and every day I go through thinking that I'm never going to be pretty enough to anyone. I'm always going to be that fat girl people make fun of. 
I worry that I'm not a good enough mother to my kids. I became a mom when I was 16 so I'm still figuring this out as I go and what if I'm not doing it right? Anyone that criticizes me about my parenting hurts my feelings more than anything because I am just learning. 
I wonder if it would be easier to list the things that I am not insecure about? 
I'm very selfless but is that enough? Is it enough to have people care about me and need me the way that I need them? I will be working on some more to add to this but for right now I think this is a good start. " - Mama's Daily Dose of Crazy

"I'm very insecure about the way my stomach looks after I had my daughter..It looks like I have an 80 year old stomach and I'm only 21."


"Many years ago, my list of insecurites was simply too long to list. I was insecure about everything. My looks, my Southern accent, my body figure, and the list goes on. As I grew older, I realized something. The people that loved me did not care about those things. They love me for me. And now, so do I." - The Shy Poet


"Whenever I am feeling intimidated, or feel like I've done something stupid I feel like the fat person I used to be. I've lost 90lbs, I feel good. I want to lose more but I feel pretty good. But when something happens to make me doubt myself I feel like that fat girl again. I didn't realize I felt differently then but I guess I did."


"My insecurities:
Being needy.
Getting old and getting needy.
Not being acknowledged.
Becoming invisible.
Crying.
So, if anyone comes into the pharmacy and they try to play me with either tears or being feeble, I have instant disdain. I am usually 99% correct if I sense they are playing me, because that is EXACTLY how I would do it."


"Believe it or not, I'm insecure about a lot. I doubt my capabilities as a mother some days. I'm insecure about relationships in general. I'm single by choice, because quite frankly I'd rather not be insecure about it after two failed marriages. Most of all, I'm insecure about my weight. I'll be starting a long journey soon regarding that exact issue, I do hope you'll stay tuned and follow me through it! In the process, I hope to inspire you to make yourself a better you, no matter what that insecurity is...all while I'm learning to rise above mine." - Ramblings of a Wined Out Mama


"I always check the browser history after my husband has been home alone (and his phone occasionally) for porn. I've been cheated on in the past and can't get over my fear that he's looking at porn or trying to hook up with someone because I'm unattractive/not good enough because I'm unhappy with myself, even though he's convinced he is the lucky one that I'd be with him."


"My insecurity is giving blowjobs. I have been told over & over how amazing I am at it (don't be a hater), but when a guy doesn't cum from it, I feel very insecure about myself." - The Pink Polka Dotted Unicorn


"Looks. Yep, went with that. Its not as quite as shallow as it reads. Yes, have to dye my hair a bit more often. Yes, magnifying mirrors and bright lights might not be my friends as much anymore. Might even be spending a few more bucks on moisturizers. But after being divorced a little over a year I would like to find some companionship. My age bracket does not seem to be the marketable age I am accustomed to. Hair flip and a giggle is not going to quite cut it. Of course, not as much hair as I had over 20 years ago. While I still giggle, one has to actually be funny. Let's not forget technology. Back in my younger days we actually spoke. But underneath it all...maybe it is just me. That is my biggest insecurity. All the other stuff is quite fixable. Except my ass. Unless I get implants and that ain't happening. What if I am too boring? Not smart enough? Not caring enough? The things I question about myself some nights seem endless. And that is my biggest insecurity...maybe its just me."


"My insecurity is that whether people know or not, that I'll always be stigmatized and alienated because I'm bipolar. I takes meds, but I'm still always gonna be kinda different. That's what makes me unique, me! It takes a lotta lady nuts to say that and even more to survive. Just sayin."


"Mothering. Is there any woman that is a momma that at one point or another hasn't felt insecure? To top it off: I'm a single momma. Am I too strict? Do I not discipline enough? Am I raising a man? God, I sure hope so.

His dad isn't great. He wasn't a great husband and unfortunately, he's not a great father. I worry about that a lot. I'm insecure about him not having a male figure in his life. Do I just cut him out of his life? Will he hate me for that when he's older? Insecure, insecure... Insecure."


I'm totally insecure about my housekeeping. I'm a terrible housekeeper and my dishwasher never gets everything off, which makes me look like an ass. - More than Cheese and Beer


"Like 95.6% of the women out there I am completely insecure about my weight. It doesn't matter if I weigh 120 lbs and look like a stick or 190 lbs I feel fat. I have huge hips and thighs. I coughed 5 babies out without any trouble. So as a teen and young adult I was told what great legs I had all I seen was size 10 jeans. Hubby says what a great ass I got, what I see is a scale at 160. I'm working on not caring, but it's a life learned trait. You are skinnier and prettier than I and I hate it" - Oops I can't post this on my page


"I'm insecure about my boobs, I developed pretty much overnight and wound up having to have a breast reduction when i was 18. Before the surgery bra shopping was horrible. I had to go to a specialty shop and was told on several occasions I was bigger than Dolly Parton. My grandmothers 90 year old neighbor asked me if they where real. I was 16 and she wanted to touch lol. I was mortified and my mom and aunt thought it was funny. After the surgery I busted a stitch at school. I had to tell the school secretary I needed to go home because my boob was bleeding. Then it was just open for weeks and I had to get a skin graft. Now I have a huge scar years later and all I wanted to do was be able to go to a normal bra shop. A teacher at school supported me before the surgery, after class she showed me her scars from her surgery, and a lady at church showed me hers too. Do you know what it feels like just to want you're clothes to fit right but your boobs are too big?"


"I guess a big important insecurity is my health and the future. I had thyroid cancer 6 years ago and had 2 surgeries to remove the baseball sized tumor and all of my thyroid. Well back in November during my every 6 month check up ultrasound on my neck they found a suspicious spot. In December I had a biopsy and the results were inconclusive. They don't know if it's a new tumor or just left over thyroid tissue from the surgeries. So in February I have to go for another test. This time it's a radioactive iodine light up scan. To make the suspicious spot glow so they can see if it's a tumor that requires surgery or not. For the rest of my life now I'm going to be very insecure about my health wondering and worrying all the time if I'm going to get cancer again and if it will kill me the next time around. I need to live so I can raise my 5 kids. I don't want to leave them momless and broken hearted for their entire lives." - Your Butt's Crackin'


I don't have an outgoing voicemail message because I can't stand the sound of my own voice recorded on anything! And I hate talking on the phone too! -More Than Cheese and Beer


"My biggest insecurity is thinking I'm not good enough for my family. I have good days and bad days. and sometimes the bad outweigh the good. I know I'm a badass and I'm the coolest mom and hottest girlfriend ever, (maybe thats not entirely true, BUT, I dont care) but at the end of the day, my kids are smiling, J is happy and VERY well taken care of, and the house doesn't have me at risk of CPS being called. Its not always easy, but its always worth it. I am the rock of this family, and even if they don't always show it, I know they appreciate me and what I do" - What? No, Not Another Mom Blog


"Ugh! It's probably easier to list what I'm not insecure about.
My body is saggy, baggy, squishy, icky from my in-process weight loss(140 lbs to date, 120 to go). Will anyone ever want to see me naked? What if they freak out?
My daughter is clingy and has major anxiety issues. What did I do wrong to make her this way? Her brothers are mega independent so it has to be something I've done wrong.
My current boss adores me(and I adore working for him) but where I work, I can go in tomorrow and find out I was transferred or he was. Or even the head office could decide they don't like what/how I'm doing things, no matter how much my boss adores me.
It's a never ending list. There are days I am almost paralyzed by my insecurities."

Miss out on this week's Sunday Confessions?  It's ok.  We do this every week!  I post the topic on Wednesdays and we post on Sunday!

Saturday, January 18, 2014

When Insecurities Lead to Sharts

We all have them and we all try so hard to pretend we don't.  I think everyone knows someone with crippling insecurities.  Honestly, I'm no different.  I'm insecure about a lot of things and like so many other people, I do things to hide them, overcompensate for them, and do a cute little act with smoke and mirrors to direct the attention away from what makes me feel unsure.

I've been pretty open about my weight issues.  I've struggled with my weight and binge eating disorder for over a decade now.  My weight is something I'm unhappy with.  Does it make me insecure?  Definitely.  But I'm fortunate enough to have learned some lessons from it too.

When I was 21, I reconnected with someone I had dated when I was a teenager and had a close friendship with. We had remained close over the years. He was someone I loved in spite of all of the bad and stupid things he had done over the years (I had a bad boy habit). We had always seemed to understand each other. I thought he loved me in the same way.  

He didn't.

What started out as reconnecting eventually turned into talking about a relationship.  At the time, I was unhappy and insecure about my weight.  I'd had people be rude to me, but never outright cruel.  Then one night, there was a drunken late night phone call to tell me he loved everything about me, except my "physique" and that his family thought he should date models and would never accept me. I was so shocked that I couldn't say anything to defend myself. 

A few nights later when I was ready to try and defend myself, I spoke at length about how I deserved better.  His response?  He fell asleep. Drunk again. I began distancing myself, but did not write off the relationship yet. 

He called the night my sister went into labor with my nephew.  He wanted to talk about my weight again.  As I drove across town in the rain, he tried to justify his verbal abuse as "motivation" to help me.  The last thing he said to me that night before I hung up the phone was, "Your Dad's death really fucked you up".

My father died unexpectedly when I was 14. Of course it fucked me up. 
 
I went on a rampage after that.  In my mind, I said I was going to show him.  I was going to fix it.  I was going to lose the weight, look like I used to and then remind him of the night he said something so cruel to me when I rejected him. I had a plan. I was going to do everything in my power to make it happen (you know, except exercise and eat sensibly). 

I'd never taken diet pills before.  I started.  I didn't have a huge budget because I was working retail and I was 21 so I was out partying a lot (because priorities!).  I bought myself some drugstore quality, $30 diet pills and started popping them three times a day with a big glass of water.  I even lost a little weight.  

Then, the diet pill to top all diet pills hit the market.  

Scientifically proven and the only FDA-approved over-the-counter weight loss aid, it boasted that it would help me lose 1 pound for every two that I lost!  I started saving and after a few weeksbought it for myself and quit taking the cheapos immediately.

Things were great!  I was taking my pills every day and drinking water. There was no progress on my scale, but I kept telling myself progress takes time.  I had met someone new and interesting (who would later become my best friend, Bonehead) and we had been talking on the phone. Life was looking up for me. 

Then one night I was on the phone with Bonehead,  I was sitting in my chair in my living room chatting away, flirting a little, and I farted.  I lived alone and he didn't hear it so he could continue on with life completely ignorant to the details of what was about to unfold and pondering important little mysteries like why girls don't fart. 

Talking with someone new that I was really interested in made me anxious.  I would go from sitting in the chair to pacing around the room, to sitting to pacing. It wasn't long before I started fidgeting and got up to go get a drink when I noticed that my fingers left grease marks on the glass.  I looked at the phone and noticed it was greasy as well.  And it smelled.

DearGodWhatTheFuckIsThat

I didn't mention it and kept playing it cool.  Then Bonehead couldn't talk anymore so we were able to get off the phone in order for me to do a little more investigating. I washed my hands and went looking for whatever the greasy stuff could be. I was expecting a cat mess, maybe a spill.  I walked out into the living room and it looked like there was something on my chair.  I ran my hand over it and when I picked it up there was more of the smelly grease.

HolyShitWhatTheFuck

Then I realized: Wait. I was just sitting there.

I wiped the back of my hand across the back of my jeans.  There was nothing that could have prepared me for what I found when I went into the bathroom.

Everyone was really excited about Alli hitting the market - until they learned about the side effects.  If you don't know anything about it (and really, who doesn't?), I would invite you to Google it and read about it straight from the horse's mouth. GlaxoSmithKline, the makers of Alli, have even included tips on their website such as starting Alli when you don't have to work to see how your body reacts, wearing dark pants, and carrying changes of clothing...just in case.

I read the warnings.  I knew about the risk of anal leakage.  I chose to take the pills anyway. I told myself I wasn't worried because I was so afraid of shitting myself that there was no way I was going to eat any fatty or unhealthy foods that would cause such a problem. It was a diet based on the fact that I would be too fucking afraid to eat junk food. It seemed genius.  There was nothing in the literature that prepared me for finding a greasy stain that resembled hot taco meat fat
 
Looking back, it makes sense...the fat that didn't get absorbed by the body had to go somewhere.  I just didn't think it would end in a way that steered me away from tacos for a very long time.  Needless to say, I never took another pill again.  When I could laugh about it...I started referring to the fart as a "Taco Fart".  

I recently learned that I might be making a visit to the other side of the state...more specifically, right around the area where Bonehead is.  (If you're new, you can read the first time I mentioned Bonehead HERE).  We haven't seen each other since 2010.  In that time, I've changed my hair color at least 20 times, gone through a terribly emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship and gained the equivalent of a first grader in weight. 

To say that I am feeling unsure, uncertain and insecure would be a gross understatement.  I'm so afraid of walking up, seeing him for the first time in over three years, and seeing disappointment on his face. 

If this were any other social engagement with any other person, I would probably consider cancelling, but it isn't.  I might be able to turn him down on a lot of things, but not coming to visit while I'm in town when he is so far away isn't one of them.  I can't punish him for my insecurities.  He's never, and I do mean NEVER, even hinted at not thinking I'm wonderful in every way.

I wasn't in the mood to address these feelings when I pulled out the laptop tonight.  I was going to share my Alli Taco Fart story and tell you that when it comes to insecurities, make sure the feelings that you are feeling are actually YOUR insecurities and not someone else's criticism lest you find yourself with the taco farts.  But damn if I didn't realize that I need to not keep my insecurities from giving people the opportunity to be glad to see me and love me for me, just as I am.

**I'm choosing not to be embarrassed to share this because at least it wasn't anal leakage.  Also, I got rid of the chair...in case you were wondering.  And Bonehead might never see this.  Ever. **

MoreThanCheeseandBeer
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Wednesday, January 15, 2014

What About Cheese

We have SO many new people!  I'm so glad to see all the shiny new faces!  So here I am to answer your questions about me and maybe toss in some random facts as well!

The Basics:
I am 27, soon to be 28 and I'll give you a mailing address if you really want to send me a birthday card.

When I say "Midwest", I mean I come from the land of Cheese and Beer....WISCONSIN.

Spirituality: I believe in something higher than myself.  What it is, I'm unsure of right now.

Shoe Size: 10W. Seriously.

I am currently single and never interested in dating again (even though Facebook thinks I should).

I am a Childless Wonder and you can read about my challenges with it HERE.

I work full time.  I wish I could say I had a cool job or I did something really awesome or inspiring, but I don't.  The first time I went to college I didn't know what I wanted to do and I felt like I was wasting time and I wanted to take some time to find out what I didn't want to do.  Like, process of elimination or something which totally made sense at the time.  Well, the answer is: I don't want to work, but now I can't afford not to.  Let that be a lesson to your kids who want to take a year off to figure out life.  Just don't do it.  Fucking stay in school.  Find that job that makes you feel like you're not really working.  I've been to college three times and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I'm going to be a Toy R Us Kid forever (I'm just kidding, we couldn't afford it growing up and I can't afford it now).

My entire life is a hobby; I know this because I'm good at a lot of things and I make absolutely zero money from them.  Obviously, the MTCB blog and writing in general.  I also cook and bake (you've all seen my cupcakes, right?).  I make jewelry.  I weave dream catchers.  I believe in trying new things so in many ways the pursuit of that is a hobby for me.  I dabble in nail art.  I enjoy reading, mostly fiction.  I also enjoy overpriced coffee and cheap red wine.  And glitter...I am a glitter whore.

I started blogging on MyFitnessPal.com a few years ago because I was learning so many things, and I kept seeing people asking the same questions on the chat forum over and over again.  After awhile, I wanted to be able to share what I had learned there with others.  I started a blog.  I was incredibly unhappy with it.  I restarted....decided I wanted to write about more than being on a diet and sucking at it and here we are.

The name...I originally wanted something along the lines of "The Kitchen Witch" or "Midwest Kitchen Witch".  But damn, that's a popular name.  When I started "More Than Cheese and Beer" the goal was to explore my inner growing Foodie, share the blogs I had written that were informational and move past the stereotype that cooking in the Midwest is just about Cheese and Beer (and a lot of it is).  I never intended to talk about MYSELF.  I never intended to get "real",  it just happened.  When I started reading the other blogs out there and I started seeing that there were people out there who would support me just for being me and I started to feel stifled by the restraints I had put on myself and the restrictions of being "non-offensive", I started writing about more than food and More Than Cheese and Beer REALLY became MORE.

So now...we do Sunday Confessions on Sundays.  Which I love doing.  Fridays I try to participate in some kind of swap (I'll be participating in my first subject swap soon and I'm very excited).

If I could have one super power what would it be?  I've been asked this question before and I never have a good answer.  

Where does the passion come from?  It depends which passion we're talking about.  The passion for food?  I like to eat and I like to feed the people I love.  For trying new things?  I was once a very fear-based person and I didn't do things because I was afraid to.  Then one day I realized that I don't remember a life before this one and that I am not ever going to be any younger than I am today.  There is so much to see, do, taste, smell, and experience in life.  And the passion for writing?  I'm not sure.  When I was a kid, I had a little Lisa Frank diary that I wrote all of my 8 year old drama in, it might have been that.  Later, I edited the newspaper in high school and I loved it.

Theme song: I don't have one.  My life has a fricken box set soundtrack.  What's on that?









And about a hundred other things including Hanson, Sublime, Goo Goo Dolls, Garth Brooks, Nelly, Rascal Flatts...even if just because they take me back to a time and place.  

#1 pick up line: Ummm....ok, I can't believe I'm about to tell this story. So, this  one time I was interested in this guy and he always brought out his friend with him.  His friend was ok, but always kind of gave me shit and I always gave it back.  One night we were sitting at the bar and he had said something smart to me and I had fired back at him, and he looked at me and was like, "Oh my god, you're just like Roseanne Bahr!".

Wait. What? All I could say was, "Ummm, is that a fat joke?"

And he then he looked and me and said something I will never forget.  He looked at me and said, "No. You don't understand.  Roseanne Bahr is like, my dream woman and you're just like her."

I told my favorite cousin's son that story once.  He just sat there for a second,  And then agreed with the guy.

Looking back, I was raised on "Roseanne".  I've heard it numerous times throughout the years.  I'm mostly ok with it now.  I kind of think I should have given that guy a chance.

Mafia Name: According to Ganstaname.com, Rita Hankypants.  I kinda like it.

Past Lives: I honestly have no idea.  None.  I should look into it.

Favorite Position: Hahaha...wouldn't you like to know?

Song you sing in the shower: I turn on Pandora and sing along to whatever plays.  Lately?  I'm really into the early 2000's hip hop/rap

Favorite Drinks: Apothic Red Wine.  Vodka.  Peach Schnapps.  Coffee.

Favorite Actor to fantasize humping: Kevin Smith.  Yeah.  Silent Bob.  I like him thick.  I like him thin.  I like him in the 90's.  I like him now.  Oh...oh the obscene things I want to do to that man.  You want to talk about favorite positions?  Whatever Kevin Smith wants.  WHATEVER.


And....Charlie Hunnam.   *drool*




Do you believe in ghosts? Of course I do.

If you were stuck for a week on an island who would you have with you and would you be stuck on Ireland or New Zealand?  I'm a little confused about this question.  But...Ireland, and hopefully a bunch of Irish people, especially some sexy Irish men.

Do you Like having a Facebook page?  Honestly, I was nervous at first.  Terrified really.  I was so afraid I would encounter trolls and rude people.  And I haven't yet.  I've met some really great fellow bloggers and there are some really great people who actually read my blog and follow me on social media and interact with me on a regular basis.  Having people who can understand where you're coming from is an amazing feeling.

Random Facts about Me:

I don't like condiments.  As a general rule you won't find me eating mayo, Miracle Whip, dressing, vinaigrette, ketchup, mustard, pickle relish, etc.  BUT I love Ranch Dressing and will eat it with just about everything.


I don't have a favorite movie.  But some of my favorites include: Dogma, Mafia, Gone with the Wind, She-Devil, Death Becomes Her, The Craft, Practical Magic, Dirty Love, American History X and a bunch I must be forgetting.

I have a 'thing' for advice columns.  I read "The Advice Goddess" by Amy Alkon, and "Dear Prudence" by Emily Yoffee (among others) all the time.

There are 5 critters at my house; 2 cats, 2 guinea pigs and 1 fish.  Does a fish count as a critter?

I love cheese curds the most.  But...cream cheese, cheddar cheese, brie and capriko also light up my life.

I hate putting things away.  I'll scrub all day but don't ask me to put anything away.

I currently have 7 piercings (not including lobes/cartilage) and 2 tattoos.

I believe in aliens because I think it is ignorant to believe we're the only intelligent life in the universe.

Taco Bell.  Taco Hell.  It is my "Self-Loathing Food" aka "where you can find me if I'm bingeing" and probably my favorite fast food place ever.

I'm not a morning person.

I'm super pissed that I'm slowly losing what little ability I had to speak French.




Monday, January 13, 2014

Anonymous Confessions: Things I do in the Shower

Well, let's talk about yesterday. It was INSANE! While I've gotten lots of support from the blogging community, it's been hard for the Facebook Pages to contribute because they do not have a blog and Facebook is making it increasingly hard for Pages and Bloggers alike to share content. So earlier in the week I announced a new feature to Sunday Confessions: Page Confessions! Now, Pages can submit their confessions as well! Here's what happened yesterday, anonymous confessions are BLACK, mine are PURPLE, and page confessions will contain a link!


"When my leg hair is super long & I finally shave it, instead of donating it to locks of love, I tap out my razor on the shower wall and write little messages or smiley faces in the hair for my husband to see when he takes a shower." - Yarn Tangled Yoga to the Rescue.

"I don't 'polish the pearl' in the shower because I'm afraid I'll fall and die. Also, I don't actually call it that, it just seemed fitting."

"I have an exact schedule that absolutely *must* be adhered to: shampoo, conditioner, then face and body while the conditioner soaks in, then rinse head to toe.

"If for some reason I decide to get jazzy and go out of order, I will end up leaving the shower with conditioner still in my hair, or having only used conditioner and no shampoo, or with just one leg shaved... Or worse, I will just be standing there in the shower, completely confused and disoriented, for all eternity. Oh, and I sing Leanne Rhymes 'How Do I Live'." - Still Smihlen

"Other than drinking a cold beer in the glorious safety of the shower, I will clean the walls, I have a spray bottle of diluted dawn that works great on soap scum, combine soaps that are running low (always the same sent/brand) and well masturbate cause, DUH! it's a hand held massage shower head!"


"Scary movies have caused me to believe that someone will probably murder me while I'm in the shower. So every time I take one, I'm constantly peeking outside the curtain at every little noise. And god forbid I ever see a shadow outlined in the shower curtain. I'll have a stroke right then and there." - The Shy Poet


"Sunday Confessions are the brain child of More than Cheese and Beer. Love love love this lady. This week's confession prompt is: What I do in the Shower. If you would like to have your confessions posted anonymously just send her a message!I have nothing super confession-y to post.
I shower at break-necking speed.I wash from the top down, always.I sing mostly every time, super loud.
And if I'm feeling feisty I'll shave. Otherwise, it's winter and ain't nobody got time fer dat.
See.....boring. Tell me yours" - Flaws and All


"My shower is evidence that I am a #productwhore. At my worst, 6 shampoos and 11 conditioners plus countless soaps and body products."


"So I've decided to throw my hat in the ring and make a Sunday Confession! It's More than Cheese and Beer's baby so go check her out and all the other wonderful confessions on her page! Today's theme is things done in the shower.Shower time is not all that exciting for me most of the time...hell I don't get one every day...or even every other day. (yes I know I get to be a stanky mess sometimes but when I'm home all the time some days I just don't give a shit) It's tough to make time for me before the kids get to bed, I don't like to shower at night because I hate getting in bed with wet hair and I'm hopeless with a hairdryer.Anyways back to the confession part...last week I put a grown up drink (vodka) in my water bottle and took it in the shower with me. It. Was. Heaven. I'm a lightweight and I think the heat of the water made it hit me faster, but it was the most relaxing shower ever.
I may not make it a habit...but it will happen again!" - Mommy is a little Knotty


"Sometimes I shower in the middle of the night. Just so I can do it without any busting in on me or crying for attention."


"I got a huge grin on my face for this one No, but seriously ,anonymous admin confession.We used to have unlimited hot water. I would shower for 30 mins jus to hide from the little shits. Sometimes not even washing my hair: Oops" - Oops, I can't post this on my page


"I told my husband while we were dating I don't sing in the shower. I may be a BIG liar."

"Not proud, but me and my big ass dog get in the shower together. I sing at the top of my lungs and she howls along with me. I do this to irritate my neighbor who's bedroom wall is connected to my bathroom. We are in a bit of a feud. I know its juvenile, but then again so am I. I will actually stay in there 20 to 30 minutes. A little bit of this and that. My fave is Salt and Peppa "Shoop". On Sundays, I bring out the gospel cuz that is when she is getting ready for church. Good Lord I need help. Like I said...not proud."

 "I used to love sexy showers-you know, getting dirty while you get clean. My ex ruined it for me. It was rarely ever "sexy" because apparently, he didn't grasp the concept. And quite frankly, he only came in so I would wash his back and so he could trap me in a small confined space and fart. Yeah. I just said that."

"I peed in the shower before Madonna claimed it helped with Athlete's Foot. And, FYI, I've never had a problem"

"When I'm in the shower, I go over in my mind recent arguments.....but in the shower version I think of all the good things to say, and they all come out exactly the right way, like a boss!! And I always win the argument hands down. Then the shower ends and I'm no closer to winning any arguments than I was when I went into the shower. Lol"

"I never would have confessed to peeing in the shower, if Liz Lemon/Tina Fey hadn't already done it first. Now, it's a time-saving life hack. And some people (and by that I mean I read it on the internet) swear it prevents athlete's foot...." - Mommy Needs Wine, Not Whine
-Not going to lie, it IS a time-saving life hack and anyone who says they haven't (even just to see how they feel about doing it) is a liar! Also...this is not something you do when showering with another person. Don't Ask. Just....don't."

"A friend just shared some bathtub art she did in the Shower. I think I want some of those tub crayon thingies because I need more to do in the Shower. Lol"

"In the shower I: SingPrayCryScreamAnalyzeSing some moreDe-squatchify. Occasionally.Make sweet,sweet lovin' to the detachable shower head. "


"What I do in the shower: give my butt pucker a really good scratch/washing. Seriously. You can't tell me you've never done that. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Reading about the people who pee in the shower, it reminded me of my ex. He would get so turned on by the golden shower ~ yes he loved to pee on me!" - The Pink Polka Dotted Unicorn


If you want to read my confession about Things I do in the Shower, you can find it HERE.  Thanks for reading!  See you next Sunday!