Saturday, January 18, 2014

When Insecurities Lead to Sharts

We all have them and we all try so hard to pretend we don't.  I think everyone knows someone with crippling insecurities.  Honestly, I'm no different.  I'm insecure about a lot of things and like so many other people, I do things to hide them, overcompensate for them, and do a cute little act with smoke and mirrors to direct the attention away from what makes me feel unsure.

I've been pretty open about my weight issues.  I've struggled with my weight and binge eating disorder for over a decade now.  My weight is something I'm unhappy with.  Does it make me insecure?  Definitely.  But I'm fortunate enough to have learned some lessons from it too.

When I was 21, I reconnected with someone I had dated when I was a teenager and had a close friendship with. We had remained close over the years. He was someone I loved in spite of all of the bad and stupid things he had done over the years (I had a bad boy habit). We had always seemed to understand each other. I thought he loved me in the same way.  

He didn't.

What started out as reconnecting eventually turned into talking about a relationship.  At the time, I was unhappy and insecure about my weight.  I'd had people be rude to me, but never outright cruel.  Then one night, there was a drunken late night phone call to tell me he loved everything about me, except my "physique" and that his family thought he should date models and would never accept me. I was so shocked that I couldn't say anything to defend myself. 

A few nights later when I was ready to try and defend myself, I spoke at length about how I deserved better.  His response?  He fell asleep. Drunk again. I began distancing myself, but did not write off the relationship yet. 

He called the night my sister went into labor with my nephew.  He wanted to talk about my weight again.  As I drove across town in the rain, he tried to justify his verbal abuse as "motivation" to help me.  The last thing he said to me that night before I hung up the phone was, "Your Dad's death really fucked you up".

My father died unexpectedly when I was 14. Of course it fucked me up. 
 
I went on a rampage after that.  In my mind, I said I was going to show him.  I was going to fix it.  I was going to lose the weight, look like I used to and then remind him of the night he said something so cruel to me when I rejected him. I had a plan. I was going to do everything in my power to make it happen (you know, except exercise and eat sensibly). 

I'd never taken diet pills before.  I started.  I didn't have a huge budget because I was working retail and I was 21 so I was out partying a lot (because priorities!).  I bought myself some drugstore quality, $30 diet pills and started popping them three times a day with a big glass of water.  I even lost a little weight.  

Then, the diet pill to top all diet pills hit the market.  

Scientifically proven and the only FDA-approved over-the-counter weight loss aid, it boasted that it would help me lose 1 pound for every two that I lost!  I started saving and after a few weeksbought it for myself and quit taking the cheapos immediately.

Things were great!  I was taking my pills every day and drinking water. There was no progress on my scale, but I kept telling myself progress takes time.  I had met someone new and interesting (who would later become my best friend, Bonehead) and we had been talking on the phone. Life was looking up for me. 

Then one night I was on the phone with Bonehead,  I was sitting in my chair in my living room chatting away, flirting a little, and I farted.  I lived alone and he didn't hear it so he could continue on with life completely ignorant to the details of what was about to unfold and pondering important little mysteries like why girls don't fart. 

Talking with someone new that I was really interested in made me anxious.  I would go from sitting in the chair to pacing around the room, to sitting to pacing. It wasn't long before I started fidgeting and got up to go get a drink when I noticed that my fingers left grease marks on the glass.  I looked at the phone and noticed it was greasy as well.  And it smelled.

DearGodWhatTheFuckIsThat

I didn't mention it and kept playing it cool.  Then Bonehead couldn't talk anymore so we were able to get off the phone in order for me to do a little more investigating. I washed my hands and went looking for whatever the greasy stuff could be. I was expecting a cat mess, maybe a spill.  I walked out into the living room and it looked like there was something on my chair.  I ran my hand over it and when I picked it up there was more of the smelly grease.

HolyShitWhatTheFuck

Then I realized: Wait. I was just sitting there.

I wiped the back of my hand across the back of my jeans.  There was nothing that could have prepared me for what I found when I went into the bathroom.

Everyone was really excited about Alli hitting the market - until they learned about the side effects.  If you don't know anything about it (and really, who doesn't?), I would invite you to Google it and read about it straight from the horse's mouth. GlaxoSmithKline, the makers of Alli, have even included tips on their website such as starting Alli when you don't have to work to see how your body reacts, wearing dark pants, and carrying changes of clothing...just in case.

I read the warnings.  I knew about the risk of anal leakage.  I chose to take the pills anyway. I told myself I wasn't worried because I was so afraid of shitting myself that there was no way I was going to eat any fatty or unhealthy foods that would cause such a problem. It was a diet based on the fact that I would be too fucking afraid to eat junk food. It seemed genius.  There was nothing in the literature that prepared me for finding a greasy stain that resembled hot taco meat fat
 
Looking back, it makes sense...the fat that didn't get absorbed by the body had to go somewhere.  I just didn't think it would end in a way that steered me away from tacos for a very long time.  Needless to say, I never took another pill again.  When I could laugh about it...I started referring to the fart as a "Taco Fart".  

I recently learned that I might be making a visit to the other side of the state...more specifically, right around the area where Bonehead is.  (If you're new, you can read the first time I mentioned Bonehead HERE).  We haven't seen each other since 2010.  In that time, I've changed my hair color at least 20 times, gone through a terribly emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship and gained the equivalent of a first grader in weight. 

To say that I am feeling unsure, uncertain and insecure would be a gross understatement.  I'm so afraid of walking up, seeing him for the first time in over three years, and seeing disappointment on his face. 

If this were any other social engagement with any other person, I would probably consider cancelling, but it isn't.  I might be able to turn him down on a lot of things, but not coming to visit while I'm in town when he is so far away isn't one of them.  I can't punish him for my insecurities.  He's never, and I do mean NEVER, even hinted at not thinking I'm wonderful in every way.

I wasn't in the mood to address these feelings when I pulled out the laptop tonight.  I was going to share my Alli Taco Fart story and tell you that when it comes to insecurities, make sure the feelings that you are feeling are actually YOUR insecurities and not someone else's criticism lest you find yourself with the taco farts.  But damn if I didn't realize that I need to not keep my insecurities from giving people the opportunity to be glad to see me and love me for me, just as I am.

**I'm choosing not to be embarrassed to share this because at least it wasn't anal leakage.  Also, I got rid of the chair...in case you were wondering.  And Bonehead might never see this.  Ever. **

MoreThanCheeseandBeer
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13 comments:

  1. Howdy! Michelle from Juicebox Confessions sent me and said that you were the mastermind behind the confession blogs. What a time to link up, because my post today was about insecurities. I'm absolutely with you on the weight. I'm struggling to lose weight myself. It's nuts. I feel like you and I have had similar experiences.....we totally need to be new bffs! (((hug)))

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    1. Welcome!!! I am so glad you are here today! Thank you so much!

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  2. This is the best story of the day. The best. You took your embarrassment and turned it into a funny story. I like a woman who can laugh at herself.
    You're awesome. I know now that I won't be taking Alli.

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    1. I was mortified at the time. But...it's been a few years. Time to laugh. Thanks for stopping. You're awesome!

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  3. This is outstanding. And a Public Health Service announcement to boot: DO NO take the Alli. You rock!

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    1. Amen. The worst part is....I have no idea what I did with those pills.

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  4. I'll be nice to make you feel better... The only reason I'm so brave to share is because I'm kind of anonymous here... So this one time I was doing homework on my laptop (sitting on my bed), and I was in it. Like a tornado could have gone through the house and I wouldn't notice because I was citing sources and stuff. So anyway, I'm assuming I farted at some point, but I'm not sure if I did, like I just don't remember. What I do remember? Going to the bathroom and realizing I crapped myself. It wasn't so huge that I had to change my sheets, but it was big enough to throw away the underwear. I have no idea how long I sat there in my own crap. I blame childbirth.

    It's possible I did Diet Pills then. I started taking them at some point for energy, and they were like coffee supreme with ex lax syrup on top when it came to loosening bowels. For a long time, while on those pills, I had a complex in stores, from the grocery store to Kohls. Without fail, I'd have an attack. That feeling like you are going to crap yourself, where even the stomach makes a loud grumbling sound, and I would swear I shat myself every time. And either I went to the bathroom to confirm I did not I was in the clear, or I continued shopping freaking out that I smelled of poo, that other people could smell it, with no old people to blame it on, panic stricken fear... Then I felt really stupid when I got home and checked and was fine. I never did have a public incident with it, but I swore I did about 100 times.

    You are not alone in this world. I'd take weird taco juice over actual crap any day.

    PS, the diet pills I took were Hydroxycut with Hoodia. My favorite. They took it all down here thinking it was recalled when it was the only one that wasn't recalled in that time (idiots). If I could still get some, I'd take them now. They were the best. THey were just enough energy to get through the day without going totally meth level jittery, even when you didn't sleep the night before (most energy products are for well rested people, not moms), and I did lose weight on them, like I went down from a size 12-16ish to a size 3/5ish in six months without changing my diet of fast food and chocolate, and without adding additional exercise (I don't go to the gym, but I used to clean with toddlers at home which was much more of a workout than a pathetic laughable gym, they aren't toddlers anymore). I've tried a bunch of other pills, but none on the market today are anything like those.

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    1. Honestly, my bad experience was enough to scare me away for a long, long time. Uffda.

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  5. I seriously want to vag punch Bonehead. What a horrible human being. Thank you for sharing your story and I'm sure none of us will ever look at diet pills or tacos the same again! ha

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    1. Uh oh! I must not have been clear....blog edited. Bonehead wasn't the guy who said that stuff. Someone else was. Bonehead and I met towards the end of my relationship with that guy

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  6. Thank you so much for sharing your story... I am so insecure over what I'm just sure everyone else thinks about me. Some of the things that I do to compensate for these insecurities are crazy, but thankfully none have lead to a taco fart! It's awesome that you can look back at that incident and laugh... and then share it so we can laugh with you ;)

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