Sunday, January 26, 2014

Reconcile

Today's Sunday Confession prompt:
RECONCILE



In trying to grow, heal and walk away from what was an unhealthy, dysfunctional and abusive relationship, I decided that there are things in me that existed before and exist now that need to be remedied if I do not want that situation to be my life.  In many ways, I'm seeking to reconcile some things within myself in order to move on.  I began exploring different beliefs and kinds of healing not only on physical levels, but on mental, emotional and spiritual ways that I had never really looked into before.  Through that exploration the last few months, I've experienced an overwhelming feeling of needing to "clean" my house, my life and my head and remove some of the negative influences that have found a way into my life.

One of the things I felt I needed to really focus on was the people in my life as I clearly have judgement issues.   I tend to judge people based on what I believe to be the content of their character and their potential as people instead of who they really are and how they act.  Unfortunately, I also tend to falsely believe that because I knew someone once, they are the same people or possess the same great qualities that made us sympatico to begin with.

In some way, it only felt natural to me to want to reach out to the people who once loved me so much and who were part of what I consider the best times of my life after leaving the most miserable time in my adult life.  There is a small part of me that hoped that maybe surrounding myself with the elements of a happier time would help me heal by reminding me of who I was back when I thought I was so happy.  Saying it out loud only makes it sound more ridiculous, but I genuinely believed that those people could still love me because I still believe good things about them and love them dearly.

It seems I still love some of the people in my life for who they were in the past and not for who and what they are now.  I haven't reconciled with that fact that just as I have grown and changed, so have they.  I'm having a hard time accepting, and in some cases believing, that the people who I once considered bosom friends have grown and changed into such unfortunate people.  

That sounds so self-righteous and it isn't meant to.  It is actually very heartbreaking for me to see people I once knew to be so many amazing things now a mere shell of their former selves, some barely recognizable.  I struggle to cherish the good memories and not believe that the people I once loved so dearly could be, in some cases, the monsters they've become.  And I do not use the term monsters lightly.  How do you reconcile the past with the present?  

It appears I need to grow up and let go of the childish idea that because I knew someone once, that I could still know them and love them years later.   I mistakenly thought people who once loved me and were so fiercely loyal to me still could be.  At this point, I look at other people who have had friendships spanning decades and wonder how that comes to be.  Perhaps those people chose to grow together while I'm trying to return to something didn't necessarily grow apart but grew independently in their own directions. 

Then, out of the blue, someone from my past sought to reconcile with me unexpectedly this week.  It came as a shock and a surprise.  At one point in my life, this person was someone very special.  I don't think I've let myself be so close to anyone in my adult life.  Unfortunately, there eventually came a point where a choice had to be made and the choice wasn't me.  I've made peace with that.  But now I'm wondering...does this person have a place in my life?  Have we grown and changed to a point where we could be a part of each others' lives,   or is this one of those times where I'm supposed to be learning something and this is a test?


MoreThanCheeseandBeer
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1 comment:

  1. "In some way, it only felt natural to me to want to reach out to the people who once loved me so much and who were part of what I consider the best times of my life after leaving the most miserable time in my adult life. There is a small part of me that hoped that maybe surrounding myself with the elements of a happier time would help me heal by reminding me of who I was back when I thought I was so happy. Saying it out loud only makes it sound more ridiculous, but I genuinely believed that those people could still love me because I still believe good things about them and love them dearly."

    YES YES YES. That is so me. I did the same thing. I left hometown for the military. I made new friends. Met my husband. Had a baby. When pregnant with number 2, his contract was up with the military. We decided to move to my hometown so I can have help, love and support from my friends and family. But when I came back, nobody had time for me. They had new lives they didn't want to leave. They didn't have room for me anymore. It was the hardest, most depressing, lesson to learn.

    I had moments where an old friend reached out to me, and some of them were not really sincere. They were just a hot mess reaching out to anyone and everyone, and then quickly reclused back into their world that was giving them problems to begin with. It's almost like their problems are their black hole. That happens to me too.

    But I did have an old friend resurface out of the blue, spontaneously, needing help. I helped. Beyond what I probably should have. My husband and mother both feel she was using me, but in many ways, she has helped me too. In one way, you can say we are both using each other. In another way, you can say we both have problems and we are leaning on each other to get through it. Either way, I'm happy she's in my life again. That's what it boils down to. Your happiness. If this person makes you happy, then that person probably does have a place in your life yet.

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