Friday, February 21, 2014

Five Minute Friday: Small

Five Minute Friday

Small.  Funny thing about the word small.  I've felt small lately.  Not in a physical sense.  In that department I feel larger than ever, but in just about every other way...I feel small.

I feel small because I've been on the receiving end of numerous kindnesses and great love from those I hold near and dear to me, and those I'm coming to love.  I don't know why, but when people choose to bless me, it doesn't make me feel good.  No matter how grateful or how thankful I am and no matter what I do to express that, it makes me feel small and not in a good way. 

I feel small because I've been striving to be a better person and this week I feel like I'm failing to have the answers to the problems in my life and the answers that will help others that make me feel like the person I'm trying to be.  At the beginning of this year I said I was going to walk a different path, one that I'm meant to be walking and instead I find myself walking a path that, while is more centered on who I am inside, is less who I think I want to be. 

I feel small because in a lot of ways, I feel helpless.  There are loved ones in my life right now that are going through challenges that I don't know how to help them with and while I want to carry them through it, make it all better for them, make it all ok...I know that I can't.  It makes me feel like a small, helpless child and I hate it.  I want to reach out and get them help.  I want to do it for them.  I want to stand up and be a champion for the people I care about who can't do it for themselves right now, but I can't because it isn't my fight. 

I hate feeling small.  I hate feeling like I'm not in control.  Granted, I'm NOT in control and perhaps that is why I keep feeling the way that I am.  Perhaps I keep feeling small because I keep trying to rationalize and "understand" my blessings instead of accepting and being grateful.  Perhaps I keep feeling small because I'm still learning to trust in the knowledge that everything works out sooner or later.  Perhaps I'm feeling small because I want to be a champion for someone, and I want to fight for them but inside I know that they need to find their own peace and their own strength or they will forever fall prey to the same thing.  

I feel small.  I hate it. 





2 comments:

  1. We all have moments when we feel small and helpless, even sometimes hopeless. But those moments don't have to define us. Don't let feeling small define who you are, because you are nothing but.

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