Sunday, March 16, 2014

Sunday Confessions: Never Again

MoreThanCheeseandBeer

Today's Sunday Confession prompt:
Never Again (inspired by Indecisively Blogging)

When I read "I'll Never Do That Again" by Indecisively Blogging, I thought to myself..."Hot Ash...you're FULL of anti-advice.  Look at all the stupid shit you've done" and so, this week's Sunday Confessions topic came to be.  There are things you CAN learn from me.  Please, let my pain be your gain.  So without further hesitation, please, let me admit to all of the stupid things I've done that you should definitely never do...

1.  Take Alli.  We've talked about it before and you probably don't need a reminder but if you do here it is... Alli is the devil

2.  I don't care what beauty blog or magazine or online forum you read it in, do not under any circumstances put banana in your hair.  I made the mistake of looking up DIY beauty treatments once.  I found one that said mash a banana and sit with it in your hair, then rinse out.  Maybe those other people know something I don't, but that banana was mashed so fine it was just goo.  When I went to wash it out, my hair felt like straw and the banana would not come out.  I thought I had it mashed so fine...it really wasn't.  I had to stand in my shower after it was cold trying to get the damn banana out because there were chunk sticking in it.  I washed it over and over again.  I got out, applied leave in conditioner and brushed out more banana.  The next day I got up and showered again just in case I missed any.  Later that day I found a wicked knot in my hair...it was dried banana.  Gross.  Never again. 

3.  I embrace and help the wrong people in life.  If I do something good for someone, especially if I help them financially, I can almost count on them screwing me.  And when things are hard up later, when I need help, when I need someone...the people I actually put money, time and effort out for are rarely the ones coming to help me when I'm down.   

Recently, some friends helped me help a friend.  I hope this is a sign that I'm choosing to embrace better people than I have in the past. 

4.  Most people have heard the phrase "Don't Shit where you eat".  I've used it many times, but usually in situations where someone has asked for advice about dating a coworker or something similar.  In the past few years, however, I've come to realize that along with not engaging in certain workplace situations, it's also meant to be taken quite literally.  As in...do not shit where you get your food.  A few years ago, I dated a man that worked in the produce department at a certain Superstore that is about 2 miles from my home.  At the time, there was a grocery store even closer but I didn't really go there for much because the prices were so astronomical, except for the booze section.  So I would go to this big box store for kitty litter, and dry foods because I HATED their fresh foods and produce section.  Anyway...so I met this guy through a mutual friend and we hit it off right away.  He was way more into it than I was.  Like, told me he loved me after a week.  But I gave him a chance anyway and things went along smoothly.  Then after I had really started feeling things, he got weird.  Come to find out, he had been talking on the phone to his ex girlfriend.  They had dated 11 years before, she had been married for 10 years and had 6 kids.  He was in Wisconsin, she was 6 states away and they hadn't seen each other since he left shortly after he wedding.  She was experiencing martial problems, and he had this grand idea that he would play Captain Save-a-Ho and show her "love exists".  I was hurt, obviously.  And every time I needed kitty litter after that...I either had to drive across town or risk seeing him, which I seemed to every time.

This last break-up, my ex worked for a popular food delivery service.  It didn't start out that way.  He got the job after we had been together.  But now that we've been broken up for awhile, I'm really kind of sad because I can't order from the company anymore because my neighborhood is his "area" and I'm guaranteed to see him.  Not to mention, he's taken to doing slow rolls in his work truck past my house.  And, unfortunately, because he has a job-related need to be here there is nothing I can do about it as long as he stays away from my residence.

I don't miss him, but I damn sure miss his employee discount.

5.  Lick a 9V battery.  I did it once, never again.

6.  Once upon a time I was a not so bright college student.  My friends and I had started tanning.   I had a few tans under my belt and decided to try a tingling lotion AND up my tanning time.  Big mistake.  Huge.  After I tanned, I drove an hour and a half to my home town to go shopping for a swim suit.  But the time I got to the store, the sunburn had set in.  I don't know if my skin had reacted to the lotion or the burn but my skin was swollen and I was burnt.  It was terrible.  I still fake bake from time to time (save the lecture, I KNOW), but the lesson I learned is not to try too many new things at one time, push my body to do things (like be tan) faster than I ought to, and stay away from things that are supposed to make me tingle because...well, they don't.

7.  The last few months have been a serious lesson that just because I knew who someone was once, doesn't mean I'll always know them.  Never again will I love someone and let them into my life with open access to everything because I loved and trusted them once.

8.  Earlier this weekend, I got my butt chewed from an old love who had been trying to rekindle our relationship.  Now, granted, I HAD insulted him but my point had gotten lost in the example I used.  In the butt chewing I received, I realized two things both of which became "Never Again" lessons.  The most profound for me being this: Part of the reason I loved him so much is because I wanted someone to love me for me and believe in me blindly.  I've always wanted to know what it is like to be loved by someone who had faith in me and believed in me so much that when someone said something about me they stood by me, unwavering, without even asking me about it instead of turning on me with accusations and anger.  I've wanted to be held in such high regard by someone that they never even question what I say because they love, trust and believe in me and KNOW who I am as a person.  He loved me that way.  Unfortunately, I now realize it wasn't because of who I actually am but because of who he wanted me to be.  I am not perfect and I believed he loved me for my imperfections.  Now I realize that my imperfections were things he chose not to see when he placed me on a pedestal and made me out to be something I'm not.  The worst part?  He thinks he deserves credit for who I am as a person.  Enough said.  I am Me.  This is my journey.  The only person responsible for who I am or what I become is me.  The only other people who get credit for my being are my parents because they created me.

9.  The other lesson...never use someone's mother as part of an example of what a schmuck they are.  Sounds like a low-class move, I realize.  However, I was using the glorification of his mother and comparison of white trash meth-heads to her as an example of his poor judgement.  His mother is a wonderful woman, but he likes to paint this picture of someone who doesn't drink, smoke or swear and is all around a saint.  The truth is...she doesn't drink, smoke and some of the worst phrases I ever heard I learned from her. I respect her enough not to walk around claiming some slutty white trash is "just like her but making bad choices".  I loved and respected her for who she was, but I wasn't delusional about it.  The point was lost, and I'm apparently a pile of shit for saying anything.

10.  Nothing stays buried forever.  If you've ever made a bad decision, it will come to bite you in the ass.  You can count on it.  But people who bring it up over and over again are not the kind you want in your life.

11.  Never put more food in your stand mixer than it can handle.

12.  I will never live with someone I'm not married to ever again.  I said this once before.  I had to learn the lesson the hard way a second time.

13.  Don't put your eggs in one basket.

14.  Never give someone keys to your house if they don't live there, or aren't family.

15.  Never loan someone something you can't afford to lose, and that includes letting someone else drive your car.

16.  Don't ask a 6 year old if they love you in spite of the fact that you're stinky.  They'll tell you everything else that is wrong with you that they don't care about.
17.  Those kiosks in the mall at Christmas time with the foreign people who sell stuff from the Mediterranean and harass the fuck out of you...don't let them touch you.  One year, I worked at one for the holidays and every night I watched the same guy shove his hand down his pants and scratch his junk.  Every night it happened.  Then, I'd watch him chase down some pretty little mall rat and play with her hair.  *GAG*  I started calling the kiosk next door "Joe's Crab Shack".

Then, my mom told me about some product she wanted from one of those kiosks.  I went to get her one.  I didn't let the guy touch me, but I was there trying to buy the damn thing for 20 minutes.  During that time, he gave me a "special price" and if I told anyone what a good deal he was giving me, he'd hunt me down and kill me.  That's scary as hell coming from someone who comes from a country that hasn't been peaceful in over a century and has child soldiers.
So...even if your damn mother can't stay away from those people, don't do it because there's a chance they have crabs or will threaten to kill you.

18.  Tell someone you like something even if you don't care for it that much.  They'll keep trying to feed it to you.

19.  Bring something to a potluck that you won't eat, just in case no one else brings something you'll eat or what you would eat comes from someone's home you would never want to eat in.

20.  Drink cranberry juice and rail vodka.  If you have too much, your bathroom will look like a crime scene.  Stick to something that isn't red if you're going to drink your cares away.

So.....there's 20 things I will never do again.  What about you?



9 comments:

  1. I feel terrible but I giggled my way through your list. I am laughing at your expense. I am an awesome friend.

    Loved this. Thanks for another great week!! XOXO

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    1. Don't feel terrible. Laugh!!! If you didn't laugh about it....we wouldn't be friends! Thanks for stopping by!

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  2. I feel so honored that you were inspired by my anti-advice post and created a Sunday Confession about it! It was so fun reading yours. Number 17 was scary. Holy shit. Also, that ex sounds like an asshole. I am sure he deserved you insulting him. After all, he did insult you by trying to make you someone that you're not.

    I did mine a little bit different this time. Instead of a list like last time, I just wrote a whole story. It even surprised me when I couldn't come up with another list of stupid shit I've done. Who would have thought?

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    1. Your post was great. Thank you for being inspirational!!!

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    2. Also....hang around long enough and you'll see, I date assholes.

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  3. Ha ha ha. I wrote my entire confession this week about putting mayonnaise in my hair. I guess we're in good company here :-P

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