Friday, April 4, 2014

Secret Subject Swap: I'm usually a nice person, until I'm not.


Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week, 14 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.



Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

http://www.BakingInATornado.com Baking In A Tornado

http://themomisodes.com The Momisodes

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/ Stacy Sews and Schools

http://followmehome.shellybean.com Follow me home . . .

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com Someone Else’s Genius

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/ Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://www.dribblesngrits.com Dribbles and Grits

http://www.impoverishedvegan.com Impoverished Vegan

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com Spatulas on Parade

http://dinoheromommy.com/ Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://morethancheeseandbeer.blogspot.com More Than Cheese and Beer

http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com Evil Joy Speaks

http://www.JuiceboxConfession.com Juicebox Confession

http://climaxedtheblog.blogspot.com/ Climaxed


My subject is “I'm usually a nice person, but when...”. It was submitted by Michele at Follow Me Home. Here goes:


I'm usually a nice person, but when people don't take the time to really get to know me, they tend to get the wrong idea.

I first noticed it in my early 20's while working at a job I still consider to be the worst job I ever had.  Knowing that it was at the worst job I ever had doesn't really temper how hurt I was when a coworker turned to me and told me I was probably glad to hear about someone's misfortune.  I don't remember exactly what had happened, but I do remember it was something very terrible and my coworker looked at me and said, "I bet that makes you happy".   Since then, there have been multiple instances where people have expressed surprise at me for the nicer things I do, or thought something terrible about me.

It isn't really anyone's fault for thinking I'm someone else, and I've spent a lot of time asking myself why.  I think the worst part is when people assume I'm some mean, hard-ass, horrible human being.  It hurts when people think the worst of you.

I'm usually a nice person, but when I have conversations with people I swear a lot.   Everyone knows I'm a giant potty mouth.   I'm totally that chick dropping F-bombs (accidentally!) in front of your kids.   My grandma used to tell me it made me sound hard.  I guess there was some truth to that because there are people who think I'm really a badass.   I'm not, I just say fuck a lot.

I'm usually a nice person, but when it comes to personal relationships I'm an introvert and a flake.   Isn't that an awesome blend?  Like...if you're my friend you need to know that I'm an introvert suffering from what can be debilitating social anxiety, and I will cancel on you if I can't seem to bring myself to get over whatever is going on in my head.  I'm also super forgetful, so if we make loose, tentative plans I'm going to need to be reminded or I'll forget or get busy doing something else.  I'm not trying to blow people off.  Sometimes after I've been incredibly social I need time to recuperate, it isn't because I don't want to spend time doing things with people it is that I've exhausted my limits of social interactions and I need time to regenerate myself.  Sometimes, being able to hang out with me is really a matter of first come, first serve.

I'm usually a nice person, but when someone has done me wrong I won't feel sorry for them when they are put into a similar situation.  I believe that what we send out into the world with our intent and by our deeds is what we can expect to come back to us.  This is not a new idea... the Golden Rule to treat others as we would like to be treated, the Rule of Three which states that whatever energy one puts out into the world whether positive or negative shall be returned times three, or the most abused term...Karma.  That being said, when someone has done something horrible to me and later finds themselves in an incredibly similar situation to one I was in,  I feel terrible because I know what that is like but there is often a part of me that feels a sense of vindication and justice at knowing that they now know and understand what I was feeling when they were so horrible.   Unfortunately, people often mistake these feelings as Schadenfreude, or purely getting joy from the misfortunes of others.

I'm usually a nice person, but when I say things that sound insensitive or sarcastic it is usually due to some concern or fear of my own, not out of malicious or hurtful intent.  I'm a terrible communicator.  I always thought I was a really good communicator but as I've gotten older I realize that I abuse sarcasm.   I have said terrible things at terrible times, sometimes it is purely open-mouth insert-foot syndrome, but more often than not what I say is directly related to something I'm concerned or afraid of about the situation.  People think I'm strong and I don't know fear or weakness, the truth is that I'm afraid just like other people but somewhere along the line I decided it was weak to say something as simple as "I'm scared".

Sometimes, this is exactly how I feel


I'm usually a nice person, but when people hurt my feelings, especially if they lie to me or abuse my goodwill, I shut down.  I'm not a confrontational person and I don't know how to communicate my feelings.  In hindsight, I sometimes feel like it is because my feelings weren't validated growing up.   I don't know why I have that idea, but I genuinely feel like I was often treated like what I was feeling was inappropriate.   Now as an adult, I have a hard time confronting another person when they do something hurtful because I feel like I shouldn't feel that way, or like I'm wrong for feeling that way so I choose instead to back away from the person.  If I try to have a conversation and sense backlash, instead of being really listened to or discussing my feelings I won't try again.  Not being willing or able to tell someone what hurt or bothered you means issues go unresolved.   I've lost friendships over things that probably could have been worked out had I said something.  But had I said something, things still would have never been the same because in my experience people rarely change and will often do the same thing again even knowing it is hurtful.   I have been used by people for material things, money, even things like time and energy.  It's unfortunately very kind of sad.

I'm usually a nice person, but when you abuse the good person I strive so hard to be, you might just find that instead of choosing to be someone who isn't nice I will choose to maintain my dignity.   I'm usually a nice person, but when people treat me poorly I will choose to treat them like they do not exist instead of letting them ruin my peace.  In choosing to be rid of someone's poor treatment, I will choose to eradicate them from my life and remove myself from theirs as much as possible.  I'm usually a nice person, but when people mistake me for being a terrible person it hurts way more than I let people know because I don't think I am...I just think I'm a poor communicator who is misunderstood.  I'm usually a nice person, but when people don't take the time to get to know me deeper than sarcasm and swearing...I'm a nice person they'll never see.

20 comments:

  1. I'm generally a nice person....except for one days that end in Y. lol. I kid, I kid.

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  2. I think you're always a nice person.

    I believe in the Golden Rule as well. When people hurt me, I shut down too. I walk away. I think it's just self-preservation, but I also just don't need the stress of that "relationship". And when people lie to me I find it hard to trust anything they say.

    So I sat here and nodded my head at most of this piece. And I'm so glad you put it all on the line. It was worth saying.

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    1. Thanks Karen, and thank you for assigning me such a great topic!

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  3. this is very good insight! i loved reading your post!

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  4. loved this post, I think I'm a nice person until you mess with me then you are on my sh*t list and don't trust you list. If you mess with my family, you better run for the hills.

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  5. I am a total introvert. When I was in school I was very very shy. People almost always took it as me being a snob. I just figured if someone wanted to talk to me they would.
    Thank you for being so completely honest with this!

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. I hate being called a snob. Been there. Really.

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  6. You and I are two peas in a fucked up pod. I catch flack from my husband's friends all the time for being mean. Karma's a bitch, though, so I ain't worried. :)

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  7. The title got me very curious… and I have not been disappointed. What a great prompt!
    I feel like you have come a long way to be able to describe the different scenarios!
    I am thin-skinned when I feel that my goodwill is being abused. Usually there is no way back then, and I shut this person out. Everyone has their pain threshold.

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    1. I am so thin skinned...I hear you loud and clear. Sometimes I think I need to work on it, but then I think...why should I have to work on being thin skinned about being taken advantage of? I'm not the one in the wrong.

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  8. I'm not sure how accurate I am when I say this because I'm such a pushover, but I'd like to believe there really are not that many sadistic maniacal people out there. I'd like to think that when someone wrongs you, it was unintentional. I think I think that because I don't set out to wrong people. Sometimes they think I'm trying to wrong them because they are so used to people who do that sort of thing, they just don't give me the chance. Anyway, I figure if people misinterpret my intentions, it's possible I frequently misinterpret theirs. That's why communication is a good thing. Don't be afraid to communicate your feelings. Anyone who invalidates them isn't worth worrying about if they are so cruel to invalidate how someone feels.

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    1. I know that sometimes it is unintentional, and I try to give people the benefit of doubt more often than not. We all know I have the worst open-mouth insert-foot ever and I don't always look at everything from all angles as hard as I try. But there are some wrongs that are undeniable. Are they sadistic and maniacal...not so much. But are they hurtful people...definitely.

      But you're right, people who invalidates my feeling aren't worth worrying about. Thanks for stopping by!

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  9. Wow. I love what you did with my prompt. I learned so much about you in just one post. Thank you for being so open and honest. I'm similar in many social situations.
    My two personal rules are, I'm usually a nice person unless you lie to me or steal from me. It covers a lot. Trust is a hard thing to earn back.

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    1. Thank you for the prompt. I loved it right away and I wasn't sure where I wanted to go with it, but I'm very happy with where it went. Thanks for stopping by.

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  10. People look at me and assume that with my tattoos or whatever that I'm just going to be a megabitch, and even after they get to know me, that initial impression never seems to go away, so I totally get what you're saying here. It sucks to be put into this box that you know you really don't belong in.

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  11. After reading this, I'm realizing that we're really similar. I identify with the introvert part, the part about people getting the wrong impression, the flaky part, the forgetful part, and the horrible communicator part. It's funny though, because people get the opposite impression of me than the one people get of you. Since I look so young and innocent and am somewhat quiet before you get to know me, this leads people to think I must be either stuck up or a goody-two-shoes.

    Also, I think you're nice. You totally helped me get more into my blogging, and you went out of your way to help me out with getting to know other bloggers and whatnot. An asshole wouldn't do that.

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