Wednesday, April 9, 2014

What If Wednesday: What If I were the opposite sex?

Today's Topic: What If...I were the opposite sex?

Only 5-10 minutes of writing....GO!

I know it isn't Sunday Confessions, but I have a confession to make... I have penis envy.  

Don't get me wrong, the general opinion seems to be that I have cojones either way and I wouldn't give up my chesticles for all of AC/DC's big balls, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think life would be just a little bit better. 

If I were a boy, I might actually enjoy things like camping and the outdoors.  I know lots of women enjoy those things now...but I'm not one of them.  I never mastered the art of squatting.  In fact, I'm really bad at it.  You know why I really hate truly roughing it?  I mean, besides the bugs?  Because I always end up peeing on myself.  And I'm not into that. 

If I were a boy, I'd write my name in the snow.  And I'd be bitter about the fact that my first name doesn't have any i's to make it a challenge. 

If I were a boy, I'd totally know about things like fishing and boat and guns.  Not that I can't know about those things as a woman, but I feel like if I were a boy I wouldn't have to beg and plead to be taught like I feel I have to now. 

If I were a boy, I'd totally be the guy wearing whatever the hell I want.  I'd roll out of bed and go.  There would never be a question about what makes my butt look big. 

If I were a boy, I'd be topless all the time.  But I wouldn't ride around on a bike or a scooter without a shirt on because I can't figure out how anyone doesn't get hit by a bug in the chest doing that. 

I'm not going to jump on the #banbossy parade, but somewhere inside of me...I believe that if I were a boy my "bossy" side might have been honed and guided into becoming leadership skills instead of being shot down as character flaws.

If I were a boy, I'd totally spend more time burping and farting. 

If I were a boy, I would think my morning wood is a topic needing acknowledgement every morning. 

If I were a boy, I'd probably crack period jokes because I can't comprehend what days of cramps and tampons is really like instead of being grateful I was born with a penis.  And I wouldn't trust anything that bleeds for 3-5 days and doesn't die. 

If I were a boy...I'd totally sing Beyonce songs in the shower. 

If I were a boy, I would have probably taken a punch to the face by now. 

If I were a boy, I honestly don't know that I would be all that different, I'd just be working with different equipment. 


  1. I always end up peeing on myself too! For the life of me, I cannot figure out how to squat without peeing on my shoe or my pant leg somehow. Some physics is involved. I'm not very keen on physics.

  2. I totally forgot about the freedom of being topless and writing my name in the snow. Men have it too easy.