Wednesday, May 28, 2014

What If Wednesday: What if I were a mythical creature?


Today's Topic: What If...I were a mythical creature?

Only 5-10 minutes of writing....GO!


I'd be a Vampire.

No question about it.

I'm already rumored to be a Witch, and the truth is that if this were another time or place I'd be burned at the stake for so many things I've lost count.   TAKE THE WITCH TEST

I'd love my beautiful fangs and I'd take pride in brushing them and making sure they were pearly white!

I'd feed on humans, but only the willing ones.  I don't think I'd ever really run out of willing food because let's face it... humans love it.  There are so many people out there who love Vampire movies and dress up for Halloween...and let's not even get started on True Blood fans.

I'd be super fast, and maybe I wouldn't have the upper body strength of a T-Rex (Seriously though, T-Rex Memes are about my life and make me sad).


Me too....so, so much.




I'd be a Vamp with perfect hair...even after feeding.  And spilling on myself would be normal, and I would never be expected to wear white because, hello....creature of the night. 

I could rock and roll all night and sleep all day.  

I don't know about the live forever part, but I think I could handle not aging.  And I'm choosing to believe that I would have a really, really, ridiculously hot body.  



Sunday, May 25, 2014

Sunday Confessions: Friendship

Welcome to another Sunday Confessions!

This week's topic: Friendship


I've been thinking a lot about friendships lately.  What it means to be a friend, to have a friend and the type of people I have in my life. 

The truth about my friends is this... I have no idea why they hang out with me. 

Seriously. 

My social anxiety and my need to recover after busy social interactions grows stronger all the time lately it seems.  It can be a pain in the ass just to get me to come around, not to mention the fact that I'm a total flake.  And they just keep trying...because I'm that awesome or because they get some kind of kick out of getting the ever elusive Hot Ash to leave her house I'm not sure, but I'm grateful. 

I don't tell them that enough. 

I once read an interesting idea about housecleaning and getting rid of things... if you don't love it, it isn't beautiful and it doesn't serve a purpose then you should get rid of it, otherwise it projects negativity and makes you unhappy.

I think I'm going to start applying that idea to people.  I think I spend so much time being surrounded by people who exhaust me, who project negativity, who don't really view me as a friend so much as someone of use to them. 

The truth is that I have met some of the most beautiful people in the darkest, scariest places and I have known monsters who live in the daylight. 

That being said, it's past time I clean house.  I have too many monsters in my house.  It's time I clean out the leeches who feed off of my time and energy.  It's time I shone a little sunshine on the fog that's found it's way into my life, preventing me from seeing things as they really are.  It's time I cleaned up the cobwebs from the old spiders who left them behind long ago.  It's time I cleaned the skeletons out of the closet.  It's time I clean out the joy vampires.  

If there is anything I've learned about friendship, it is that losing one can be just as painful if not more so than a terrible breakup.  If there is anything I learned from my last terrible breakup, it's that sometimes the things we hold on to and fight the hardest for are the things keeping us from having, doing and being all the things we want the most in this life.  

And it's past time I give the people who I love, who are beautiful, and who give me purpose priority over the monsters... because they deserve to be held close, and the rest...well, aren't really my friends in the end.



Friday, May 23, 2014

You Remind Me of ME (An Open Letter)

TRIGGER ALERT:  This post is about cutting/self harm.  I've included popular internet memes included that may be upsetting.  I also understand that some people may be triggered or upset by the subject matter.  I ask that you not read this if you think you would be triggered or unable to respond compassionately.  I've worked on this post for months and somehow sharing it for Mental Health Awareness Month only feels appropriate.  It started after seeing some younger people I know posting memes about self-harm, something I'm all too familiar with because I was that girl.  I see the memes and I still understand them.  And while things are "better" now, I remember those times when I was that age all too well.  And I want to reach out and hug them, and this is the only way I really know how.  I hope someone who needs to hear these words sees it...and maybe feels less alone or is encouraged to seek help.  I hope maybe someone struggling to understand someone who is hurting this way sees it.  ANYTHING to get the word out, help even just one person.  This isn't every self-harm story.  But this is my story. 



Hey You,

You are not alone.

When I was in High School, we didn't have Facebook.  MySpace came out a year before I graduated.  I'm aware that I am slowly becoming archaic.  Which means that when I was your age, and even younger, I couldn't post what I was feeling in the form of a meme.  I wrote poetry instead...things I've never shown people to this day.  But somehow, seeing the kinds of things you've been posting and sharing...I suspect I strongly know what is going on with you because if I had been able to I would have shared the same things.  You remind me of me.

Today I looked at your Facebook page, and I hoped that you weren't living in the darkness I once knew so well.  I know there are things you've been struggling with.  I saw the meme you shared and I hoped that you shared it because someone you love is hurting themselves and not because you're hurting that way.  And yes, I know that just because you post something doesn't mean you're going through it or directing it at someone, but it kind of seems to be a theme so I do have to wonder.

PostSecret shared this secret this week.  It made me think of you.  I hope that isn't the case. 

The first time I cut myself, I was 14.   Self harm, self mutilation, cutting, self injury...call it whatever you want but we both know exactly what I'm talking about and we both know why.  Or at least I do, maybe right now you just know that it makes you feel better about whatever is going on in your life but you haven't figured out the underlying why.  It took me years to answer that for myself and in many ways I'm still figuring it out.  In the beginning, all that mattered was that it made me feel better.

I didn't want to die, not to say that I've never felt that way but most of the time I just wanted the pain to stop.  I didn't do it for attention; I hid it because attention was exactly the last thing I wanted because then people would know and would watch me and I would have to stop.  I had so many reasons...I started before my dad died and I continued afterwards for years.  I was struggling with grief no one should ever know so young.  I entered into relationships expecting love and a "real" relationship, but what I got was people who took advantage of me.  When those relationships ended, usually because I realized and grew tired of being used...I broke.


Your reasons are your reasons.  I respect that and I understand that you are going to do what you are going to do and that you won't stop until you are ready.  But there are some things I hope you will consider...

Right now you are building habits and coping mechanisms that will be with you for the rest of your life.  If I knew what I was starting when I made that first cut, I would have never done it.  I started when I was 14.  I am 28 now.  I wish I could say I quit when I was 17-18, but I can't because I've relapsed even as an adult.  When life gets really, really dark I have to fight like hell not to do the things I wouldn't have thought twice about doing at 15-16.  You might struggle with it forever, but if you stop now maybe you won't have the urge every time things get shaky.

I never thought about what I was actually doing to my body.  Not until years later when I would take my clothes off before my shower and I would look in the mirror and could see the scars.  They've faded, but I can find them.  Anyone who looked closely at me could see them if they wanted to.  I'm self-conscious about them.  I'm not proud of them.  While I realize that this is your choice NOW, some day...it might not be.  While I appreciate my scars because it means I survived what I've been through and in many ways remind me that I survived myself, I wish I would have survived with emotional scars instead of the kind that can be seen.  Don't punish yourself forever for the terrible way you feel today.  Looking back, I can barely remember the things that happened that caused me such pain more than a decade ago, but I still have the scars.

When I wasn't cutting, I was searching for a "real" relationship.  I never found it, and when relationships I did find would end, I would cut to ease the pain.  The truth is that in this world, people are going to come and go in your life.  People will break your heart, let you down, and hurt you just like you will break hearts, let people down and hurt people in spite of how hard you try not to.  It took me a long time, but eventually I learned not to hurt myself over something someone else said or did.  Don't make someone who treats you like an option a priority, and know that someone who really loves you would not be OK with you hurting yourself.  And most importantly, and even I still struggle with this, don't rely on someone else for the love you can give yourself.  In this world, we cannot change the actions of others, make them love us or give us what we think we need from them but we CAN change our own actions.  Treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated, buy yourself flowers, treat yourself to nice things, forgive yourself, be kind to yourself, take good care of yourself.  The relationship with yourself is the only one you're guaranteed in this life...you should probably make it a good one.  If you seek to have someone in your life, remember: you can't love someone else until you love yourself.


There is help out there.  I started taking antidepressants at 15.  I hated feeling like I had to take them to be "normal".  I hated the way I felt when I took them and the way I felt when I forgot to take them.  I hated the fact that at the time I was one of the only people I knew taking them.  It made me feel like I was crazy.  And when I stopped taking them, I suffered withdrawal so bad that I hallucinated.  What I didn't know was that if I didn't like what I had been prescribed, I could ask for something else.  There were so many other drugs out there that might have been able to help me but because I was dealing with so much fear and shame, I didn't know.  But I've come to realize that if something doesn't work for you, then there are always other options.  I felt ashamed for a very long time, but I needed to realize that antidepressants are medicine just like insulin.  If I were a diabetic, my body would need it and I wouldn't be ashamed of taking it.  Why then should I be ashamed of taking any other medicine my body needs?

I know this sounds so cliche and it really is, but it DOES get better.  That time period when you're in Middle School, High School and entering adulthood is confusing, stupid at times, and stressful... these are not the best years of your life.  But it is a time to be embraced before life becomes about being an adult.  Seriously.  Find yourself some good friends, smile, take pictures, dress up for silly functions, dye your hair funky colors, and make lots of memories.  Looking back, those times will be there...and the pain will have faded.

When you're ready or if you need help now, I hope you'll reach out to someone.  I was so good at hiding it that no one ever knew and I wanted it so bad.  Later, when I started talking to people about it or when I would relapse...I learned that people who love you or care about you will always try to help.  I also learned how sad it made people to know that I felt that bad and didn't reach out because they would have been there.  If there is anything I've learned, it's that sometimes we take each other for granted.  You might be blinded by hurt, you might feel more alone than you thought you could ever be, but I've found that sometimes people need to know that we need them.

And believe it or not, it gets better. 

There are lots of places you can go to get help and I hope you'll check them out.


If you're seeking more information about self-harm I highly suggest this blog written by a licensed clinical therapist who isn't stuffy.  It's the facts, from a professional who I enjoy and respect, presented in a new way.

Megsanity.  Women, Psychology and Expletives.






"TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS IS A NON-PROFIT MOVEMENT DEDICATED TO PRESENTING HOPE AND FINDING HELP FOR PEOPLE STRUGGLING WITH DEPRESSION, ADDICTION, SELF-INJURY, AND SUICIDE. TWLOHA EXISTS TO ENCOURAGE, INFORM, INSPIRE, AND ALSO TO INVEST DIRECTLY INTO TREATMENT AND RECOVERY." - TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS




If you’re not sure where to turn, call the S.A.F.E. Alternatives information line in the U.S. at (800) 366-8288 for referrals and support for cutting and self-harm.

They also have an online community where people can seek and share resources.


National Hopeline Network
1-800-SUICIDE

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-TALK

Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN)
1-800-656-HOPE

The Trevor Project (LGBTQ)
1-866-4-U-TREVOR

Treatment Referral Hotline (Substance Abuse)
1-800-662-HELP

911 AND ANY LOCAL EMERGENCY ROOM ARE ALSO GREAT RESOURCES IN TIMES OF CRISIS.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Sunday Confessions: Pet Peeves


Today's Sunday Confession prompt:
Pet Peeve

Fun Fact:  A pet peeve is a minor annoyance that someone finds particularly annoying to themselves, to a greater degree than others might find it. 

My biggest Pet Peeve is... People. 

There.  I said it. 

I sat here and thought long and hard about it.  And you know, I really wanted to talk about how much it bothers me when I see things like people on Facebook posting photos of a new pet when they were posting photos trying to get rid of one the week before, or a grown animal being given away for Free because there is a new live-in partner who is allergic, or a desperate phone call to take a cat because the landlord is coming over and there are NO PETS ALLOWED.  If you've had pets as an adult, but you've never seen one through to the end of it's life...you're probably one of these people.  I'll make exceptions...I'm not so cold-hearted as to think that sometimes pets, like people, need an alternative living situation.  But people who bring in and push out animals because they consistently choose to bring them into environments where they are unable or unwilling to provide make me furious.  I volunteered in a Shelter for years.  It broke my heart to see good, sweet, loving animals who just wanted their forever home.  If you can't say forever, you don't need a pet. 





I thought about how much it bothers me to see people create their own storms, but get upset when it rains.  Usually, they're the same people who complain about every situation whether it is home life or relationships while failing to realize that they are the common denominator.  

I considered how abhorrent I find people who do things to others that they themselves have felt the sting of.  Life happens, and the truth is that you're going to hurt someone.  At some point in this life, we all hurt someone whether we try to or not.  That is just how life is.  But I cannot for the life of me understand how someone hurts another in a way they know the pain of because I believe they should be enlightened. 

I despise the opinions of people who shouldn't get a voice.  Some people might disagree with me and tell me that everyone should have a voice...and while I respect everyone's right to an opinion, I think more weight ought to be given to those with a dog in the fight.  And can someone please tell me why I'm supposed to care what celebrities think about things like who the next President of the United States should be or Foreign policy?  They're not any more or less qualified to discuss politics than anyone else just because they've rubbed elbows at an award or had dinner at the White House. 

It makes my head want to explode when I see someone accuse another person of discrimination when there is none to be seen.  I'm not saying discrimination doesn't happen, that would be ignorant and I've been discriminated against myself.  But, seeing someone accuse another of discrimination to distract from or defend their misconduct only enforces real discrimination and desensitizes people to it.

I thought long and hard about my Pet Peeves.  I even stopped to ask myself if I was creating my own irritations...and sometimes I do.  I questioned whether or not I was just being an ass and if I was the common denominator in all of my annoyances.  But then I realized that all of the things that annoy me, involve PEOPLE.


Wednesday, May 14, 2014

What If I could have it again?

Today's Topic: What If...I could have it again?

Only 5-10 minutes of writing....GO!




This could apply to so many things.

Money I've lost.

My old body.

My virginity.

Time I've wasted.

Relationships I've let go.

Right now, there is a part of me that wishes I could have a simpler time again.  When money wasn't such a concern.  When friendships seemed stronger.  When there were more good times.  When I didn't have back pain keeping me from life, or doing normal things like mopping my floor.

I miss that.  I miss not being in pain.  I miss being able to go and go and go until my sleep deprived body was ready to collapse, instead of having to do things so that I do the one most likely to leave me in pain for last.  I miss being able to try new things without wondering what I'll feel like tomorrow.  I hate having to remember to carry medication in case my pain flares up or any other number of complications arises.

I miss times when medical bills were for injuries and illnesses, not because I hurt every day.

I miss my time before Chronic Pain


Sunday, May 11, 2014

Sunday Confessions: Motherhood

Today's Sunday Confession prompt:
MOTHERHOOD


As a childless wonder, this whole Motherhood thing is quite the phenomenon to behold.

It is amazing really.

Not everyone rises to the occasion, perhaps the fact that I truly do believe that all mothers are not created equal makes me part of the problem...part of the collective pressure so many of the wonderful, incredible mothers around me feel to be the "perfect" mom.

Motherhood is scary.  In Eat, Pray, Love Elizabeth Gilbert writes that “Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit.”  Perhaps that is why I've never had kids.  That and face tattoos always make me think of Mike Tyson.  Mike Tyson is crazy, and he has some serious balls.

I just said balls in a post about Motherhood that I'm posting on Mother's Day.  But let's be honest, when you sign up to be a mom you kind of need some.

My own Mom is a badass little lady.  My mom is 5'2 and could probably take out any one of her children, all of which outgrew her by about 14.  She seems like a nice little middle aged woman in her yoga pants and toe sandals, but I'm telling you...my mom is badass.  I was as asshole as a kid, and I tried to drive my mom crazy.  She may have even actually lost her mind a few times.  But she never stopped being my cheerleader, my reality check, the person I went to when I was expected to take on a motherhood role and had no idea what I was doing, and the person who tried so hard to teach me to use my powers for good, not evil.  And since I've already said balls a few times I might as well add that she has gone balls to the walls for me more times than I can count.

Sometimes, I wonder if my mom feels or once felt the same pressure that some of the moms I know now feel.  Is it the Internet that makes so many women I know feel so inadequate?  Is it the availability of so much knowledge about any given decision?  Did my mom ever feel inadequate for not making me rainbow pasta?

But I realize that if you care enough to feel like you're bring driven crazy.  I think you're doing something right.

I once told someone that I was too selfish to have kids.  That my greatest fear about having kids is that I would never be able to give them everything, the best life I could give them, teach them the rights things, stand by and watch them learn the hard lessons they have to learn on their own, that my genes wouldn't be fit to pass on to anyone, and that not-having kids would allow me to not lose my mind.  They told me I would be a great mom because if I wasn't meant to be, I wouldn't already worry about a child I didn't even have.

Being a good mother isn't about rainbow pasta.  It isn't about the commercialism so much of our society holds dear.  It isn't even about being right all the time.  It's about being crazy.  Being crazy enough to go ahead and see what happens when you roll the dice and make a baby because there's a good change it'll have it's father's crazy hair.  It's being crazy enough to do stupid silly things just to make the baby laugh, or take a nap.  It's being crazy enough to worry about whether to vaccinate or not vaccinate, breast or bottle, cloth diaper or pampers, being green or clinging to cleaners that boast 99.9% less germs instead of just doing what is easiest.  It's being crazy enough to make another baby when the first one already makes you feel like pulling out your hair, and then starting the process over again.

My Mom is crazy.  She had me, then went back and made two more.  I'm not even including all of the other kids she's taken under her wing like my "adopted" sister, or the countless friends who have spent a huge part of their lives under the watchful eye of my badass little Mom.

So, here's my Sunday Confession...  I don't know if I'll ever experience motherhood.  I don't know if I could do it.  But in the last few years, I've come to believe that being a good mom isn't about being perfect... it's about having big balls, being crazy and being badass.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you out there to all of you crazies who have kids, want kids, couldn't have kids, or just have/had a badass Mom.


Wednesday, May 7, 2014

What If Wednesday: What if they made a movie about my life?

Today's Topic: What If...they made a movie about my life?

Only 5-10 minutes of writing....GO!



My life isn't movie material.  Not real, big screen theater movie material anyway.  Someone might be able to squeeze a Lifetime movie out of an experience or two, maybe even a Hallmark Channel movie.  

If they made a movie about my life.... Melissa McCarthy would be me.  There is absolutely positively NO ONE else who could play me.  I considered Nikki Blonsky, but she has WAY better eyebrows than I do and that just wouldn't float.  Plus, I'm hilarious and Melissa McCarthy would slide into the role like she was born to play it.  

LOVE HER!!!!


I don't know who would play my mom.  I'm almost afraid to say who lest she find out.  Ok, I change my mind... Barbara Streisand.  There is no one else.  I mean, she doesn't really LOOK like my mom, but I love Barbara in Mom-roles and she kind of sounds like my mom sometimes.

Nikki Blonsky is going to play my sister, and before you jump in and tell me that Nikki Blonsky and Melissa McCarthy don't look like they're related at all....well, my sister and I don't look that much alike.  Seriously.  Genetics are funny and my sister looks more Native while I got the French/Belgian/Norwegian traits.  People have a hard time believing that my parent's three children all came from the same place because we all look so different.  And, my sister has better eyebrows.  But Nikki Blonsky is perfect to play my sister. 





Jesse Adam Eisenberg would play my brother. I mean, my brother is WAY better looking but...it's a movie and it is what it is. Jesse Eisenberg is frickin hilarious, but totally capable of being a serious butthole and there is no one I'd rather be stuck in Zombieland with except maybe Woody Harrelson's character but we're not talking about that right now.



Benjamin Stockham would play my nephew.  He's best known for his role of Robby Gunderson in the 2010 FOX sit-com Sons of Tucson, and previously starred as Xander Gilchrist in the NBC sit-com 1600 Penn.  He's older now, but the kid is cute as a button. 

And of course someone would need to play Bonehead.  The problem with casting Bonehead is... your choices of Native American actors is slim.  Seriously.  And, you could always do what they did in early Hollywood and hire someone of Hispanic origins to play the part but somehow that just doesn't feel right.  But...it's my movie so I can do whatever the flock I want.  So I'd go with Guillermo Diaz (because he gives me a crazy lady boner), Adam Beach (because the guy is at least the right Nation, kinda) or I can just say fuck it and go with Taylor Lautner because...yum.  Just kidding about Taylor Lautner.  Too young.  The fact that I love his face makes me feel weird even though he is totally legal. 

Love you, Guillermo.  Really. 

Adam Beach in Windtalkers.  


I have no idea what the hell the movie would be about.  No idea.  Honestly, my life would probably be better as a reality show because then the producers could edit out all the boring crap that happens between the life drama and the action and the insane things that happen.  I know that sounds terrible and maybe you're thinking "Geez, what's Hot Ash's life REALLY like?" but the truth is...I don't think I'm made for a movie.  Maybe a sitcom...and don't you dare think about crackin' a Roseanne joke. 


Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Tickled Tuesday: Anti-Birthday List

Indecisively Blogging

The wonderful Miss Jackie over at Indecisively Blogging wants to know what I don't want for my birthday.  I have so many thoughts.  Honestly, I haven't received that many bad birthday gifts but there are just some things I have to say "NO" to. 

My Anti-Birthday List:


  • I haven't had birthday sex in...awhile, and mostly because my ex was a miserable human bean (Yes, a miserable human BEAN).  That being said, I don't want to have to celebrate another birthday with him or any of my other exes. 



  • Communicable disease of any kind.  I had chicken pox on my 5th birthday.  I also had pneumonia on my 26th.  And I don't want a side of the herp with my birthday sex.  






  • I had an ex who got his notice to serve for jury on his 18th birthday.  He ended up not having to, but still...ON his 18th birthday.  No thank you!



  • Work.  I take off on my birthday so I don't have to deal with...well, anything. 



  • I like weird things.  I really, really do.  I like looking, seeing, and sometimes touching if I can.  For example, the day we got to work with real human bodies in my watered down Anatomy and Physiology class, I was double-handed inside a chest cavity while surrounded by future massage therapists wearing a glove on one hand and poking at the skin.  I'm just a naturally curious person and I'm fascinated by things outside of the norm or things that are unusual or not seen everyday.  That being said...I don't like stuffed things.  I mean, they're cool but I don't want it in my home. 


  • Bugs.  Of any kind.  For any reason.  Just No. 



  • A doggy doo candle 








Sunday, May 4, 2014

Sunday Confessions: Cultivate


Today's prompt is:
Cultivate

I'm so happy to see the month of May. 

It was sunny yesterday and it was a beautiful break from the gray skies and April showers.  Not that I mind April showers much, but I wish there had been thunder.  Something about the rumbling and the cloudy turmoil soothes my spirit;  Many times, the memories of my father and later in my life, Bonehead, and our love of and connection to the storms is what calms me.  

The rolling and tumbling clouds bring abundant showers that wash away the last of the winter, the grit and dirt stirred up by snowblowers and snowplows.  Everything is washed away in one cold hard rain after another until that first warm shower of the year that seems to be bathing the earth, cleansing it for a new beginning.  As the earth around me starts to prepare itself, I find myself preparing also. 

It has been too long since I gardened.  Too long since I took my hands to the dirt, picking out the twigs and small stones so that I may plant something and watch it grow, weeding and tending to it.  Some say life is like a garden, and maybe that is why I haven't been out there much in the past few years.  But I hear the thunder, and I think it is time to prepare. 

The last time I chose to grow something, it didn't go so well and perhaps it was my fault.  Perhaps it is my fault for choosing the wrong type of plant, or putting it in the wrong place.  Perhaps it was just destined not to go well.  But what did happen is I ended up with something not so wonderful.  The dirt was poor, the plant grew up unhealthy, reaching for the sun until the sun found it's way to the reaching leaves and then drooping, soaking up the water I gave it and constantly looking for more. 

It is possible to over weed?  Perhaps I groomed it to much and it resented me with every little not-so-green leaf.  Perhaps I had such high hopes for it's growth that it just never really fruited because of the pressure.  Maybe the water it seemed to crave so badly wasn't what it needed.  Perhaps it was just a crappy plant. 

But I'm ready to try again.  Only this time, I want to do it right in a way I never wanted to before.  I'm ready to dance in the warm, cleansing rain.  I want to touch the earth.  I'm ready to dig.  I'm ready to get a little dirt under my fingernails.  I'm ready to grow something strong and beautiful.  I want beautiful healthy leaves, and a strong stem.  I want it to be fruitful. 

Perhaps today will be sunny like yesterday and I'll get to see the sunrise.  And maybe, if I put in my best effort to cultivate something wonderful...something wonderful might grow. 


Thursday, May 1, 2014

So, who is Brian? (Part 2)

Read Have You Met Brian the Foot Guy? (Part 1)

As I said before, Brian was pretty open and upfront to being asked all of my nosy questions.  In fact, I think he kind of liked it.  I wasn't sure what I was going to find out about Brian during this line of questioning and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't slightly afraid that the conversation was going to take a sexual harassment turn at any moment.  But...I was incredibly wrong.  Brian appears to be, from my observations, an incredibly polite, reasonably intelligent, very friendly man who has a little extra money that he likes to spend helping out women in an unusual way.  And while what he is doing might strike some as being creepy or inappropriate, I have yet to find him to be seedy, creepy, pervy, rude or lecherous in any way.  In fact, I find conversations with him to be quite enjoyable.  To me, he's a nice guy who likes feet.  But...I'll let you read the interview and be the judge for yourself.




First things first, lots of people think you're probably a creep. Are you a creep?

I am not a creep and I do not know why they would say that. I NEVER message a woman first. They have to initiate contact if they are interested. I assume they think that because I like feet? Why is that so bad? Lots of men actually do.

If you ask any woman that has taken  my offer or even messaged me, I am always polite and respectful. Maybe they think I am a creep because I ask mom/parenting pages to post my offer? To me, those are the women that can use money the most and that's why I message those pages. What am I going to do, message pages that men frequent? Lol.

Will you tell us a little about you? Just the basics...Age. Relationship status. Kids. Do you work? Hobbies?

Sure, like what? I am 32 and I have a girlfriend. No kids. Hobbies are playing basketball and deck hockey.

When you first messaged me, you told me you found feet to be interesting. What do you mean by interesting?

What I find interesting is no 2 pair of feet are alike. You would think after paying so many women that I wouldn't be able to say that but its true. They are like snowflakes, no pair are alike.

So, just to clarify...is this a fascination or an attraction, or all of the above?

I wouldn't say fascination. I do find them attractive..well, some anyway.

And where do you think it started?

When I was younger and I have no idea why. I did think that I would outgrow it at some point and obviously that didn't happen.

Yesterday, you told me your story is quite interesting and started 7 years ago in Yahoo chat rooms (do those still exist?) Will you tell me that story?

This all started over 7 years ago in a Yahoo chat room.  There were lots of women in the room I was in and they were discussing Christmas and how a couple of them weren't going to be able to get their children much that year because money was tight.  So, I decided to throw my offer out there and see what the room said.  I posted that I would pay any and all women to email me pics of their feet.  Their first reaction was that I was gross and "hell no", but privately one of them messaged me and asked if I was serious. I said  I was and gave them a couple pose requests and said have fun with it and message me back when you have the pics.  Later that evening she messaged me, emailed the pics and sent her the money via Paypal immediately.  Needless to say she was thrilled and surprised at the same time that someone would actually do what they said they would do, especially over the internet

So the woman went back into the chat room that night and told them that I did actually pay her. A few other women messaged me and after they got paid they told their friends who messaged me and so on.  It was like a snowball effect.  They closed the Yahoo chat rooms since and I had never done this before on Facebook but if I was to continue, I really had no choice.  I started to messaged pages on Facebook to post my offer to their fans. I will be honest, I have been banned from more pages then I can count. I have been called every word in the book by some and been reported to Facebook by many. I don't really understand why pages get so pissed off at me.  I mean its only feet and women love to show off their feet during the summertime and if they want to take my offer and get paid $50, its their option to do so but unless pages post my offer, women will never know.

I get called a creep a lot for posting on mom/parenting type sites. My question is, if I pay women for pics of their feet don't you think I would want to go to pages where a lot of women can see my offer? Another reason is that moms/parents are the ones most likely to need extra money because children can't be cheap to raise.

To this day, I have paid 871 different women so far and a very select few of them I have paid 15-20 times each.

I could tell you stories upon stories of sad situations that women have told me they were in and how much my $50 would help them.  I had a woman who had Crohn's Disease that told me she didn't have money to pick up her meds from the pharmacy.  How sad is that...not having enough money to get meds that you need just to feel decent?  I sent her a wire transfer (which I never, never do) just so she could get her meds, now she did take my offer and I hate sending wire transfers, but I just felt so bad.

This is a multiple part question.... I've read a lot of doubt from people who don't think that you'll pay (I've received messages from women who tell me you do, by the way), wonder how you're paying, wonder WHY you're paying etc. So...without getting too personal, how do you afford this? It it about making decent money, budgeting for this as an extra curricular activity, being selective in what photos you pay for? AND...WHY are you paying for it? It seems to me that there has to be a market for this, and I'm sure a simple Google search would give you results.

I have been very fortunate in life to this point (knocks on wood) and I hate seeing people that are struggling. I could very easily Google pics and save my money, but that is not what this offer is about.  Its about throwing it out there to women.

If you would like an extra $50, I will pay you for pics of your feet.  If you are not interested that is fine, just move along.  One thing that irks me is when a page posts my offer and you get a woman who says that I am a scam or says that feet are gross and any woman who takes my offer is disgusting.  Hey, if you are not interested in the offer, just move along.  No need to talk bad about others who might be considering it.  Things are tough out there now, economically I mean.  I have a very good job, that is how I can afford to do this. I pay via Paypal or money order, the woman's choice.  Another thing I hear from women is "I am not giving out my address so he can come stalk me".   I get it, it is the internet so you have to be protective. You know how long it takes to set up a Paypal account? 5 min and its free!

There have been 4 instances where I have not paid women who have sent me pics.  The reason is that they did not do anything close to my pose requests that I sent.  They just took pics, emailed them and wanted to be paid.  I told them that it was nothing like what I asked for, asked them to reread my email and retake the pics, and I would gladly pay them.  They got pissed, told me I wasted their time and started to bad mouth me on pages.   Now, if you order a steak well-done and the waitress brings it out raw, are you going to eat it? no, you are going to send it back and have them make you a new one.  My requests are specific, but they are simple.  If they are too specific for women, I never hear back from them again and that is totally fine. I do not message them asking why they aren't taking pics, etc.  If they don't like what they read, our conversations go no further.

Is there an element to knowing that these pictures were taken specifically for you?

Good question. I have never really thought about that, but I don't think that it does.
I mean if for some reason a woman took pics for their boyfriend or whatever and they met my criteria, I am for taking them.  I won't say, "well you took those for him, i want you to take pics specifically for me".

Everyone wants to know what makes a good foot. I realize this is a very individual thing, but what does a beautiful foot look like to you?

The foot doesn't have to be taken care of by getting pedicures every other week, it just can't be neglected.  Like, I don't want to see skin so dry that it would suck up lotion like a plant sucks up water!  Obviously, I think that painted toes are prettier then plain nails and just about every woman paints their nails these days.  I have always liked the 2nd toe being longer.  Not that I am hating on the toes that go in order, I just think the 2nd toe longer is kinda sexy

Ok....what does an ugly foot look like? And how often do you see ugly feet?

To me an ugly foot is like I said above, one that isn't really taken care of.  I also do not like really short toenails. You know where they are so short that the skin around the toe is like growing over the toe?  Not cool.

So....you're attached right? Does your girlfriend have nice feet? What does she think about your paying women for their pictures?

Yes, I am and she has very nice feet.  I do not know if I could be with someone who didn't have at least decent feet.  Not trying to be rude, that's just the way it is.  I told her that I did this on our 2nd date because I didn't want to waste her time if she had a problem with it.  At first she thought it was odd but after I told her why I do it, she warmed up to it and supports it.  She will look at the pics on occasion, but that's very rare

Three part question submitted by a reader who clearly wants to know everything: Are you open about your foot fetish with people in your personal life? Do you only like photos of feet or do you like feet in real life too? If yes, what do you do with the feet, are you a foot sucker, stroker, or other (please specify)?

Lol. I am NOT open with my foot fetish in my personal life.  Obviously, all my previous girlfriends know but none of my friends/family do.  Feet in real life are way better then pics.  I do like to suck on my girlfriend's toes and I am very good at it.  Tickling feet is always fun to do and to answer the last part, I do love getting footjobs. Lol.

For the record, I have no idea why she wanted to know that, but...people are curious, I guess.

I also pay women $15 to show their feet and feet only on webcam for 7 min. I have some women that do that 2-3 times a week lol

And do what....just, move them around and stuff?

Lol. Yep.

And then just what? Watch tv while you watch me do nothing with my feet?

Lol.  Sure.  I will ask you some questions about them, have you like wiggle your toes, etc

So...what kind of interesting things have you learned about feet in this pursuit?

Like I said before, no 2 pair are alike.  Quite a few women that think they have ugly feet, actually have nice feet and some that think they have nice feet, well, don't.

How do you tell someone who doesn't have nice feet that they don't?

The only women that I have turned down to this point are too short of toenails, too young or tats that are just too crazy.  Foot tats are very popular and I don't have a problem with them, there are just some that are way too crazy for me.

You're very open and upfront about what you want for these pictures. It comes across as being pretty confident, but you're not open about it in your personal life (which is understandable)...is this reflective of your personality in general, or do you just have some serious Internet Cojones?

I think I have a great personality, just don't feel its something that my real life peeps need to know. I mean its almost like going around and telling people that an individual likes anal sex.  Lol.

I agree completely. So...in "real life" you're a pretty confident person? Because clearly not many people are going around doing what you do.

I am a very confident person in real life.  If I wasn't, I wouldn't make the offer that I make because I know some are going to trash me and what I do.  Everyone should feel confident in themselves, it makes life so much better.  You may think this is funny but even as much as telling a woman that she has pretty feet can boost her confidence and self esteem

Is there anything YOU would like to talk about?

I will throw this out there.
Most women think that I use the pics to well...you know. Yes, I have done that before but its maybe 2-3 times a month. The pics really do not excite me like that.

Wait...so this isn't a typical sexual fetish?

It is a very sexual fetish BUT in real life. The pics, yeah they may excite me a little, but not to the point of well...you know.  Like I said I have done that before, but no where as often as I am sure everyone thinks.

Do you still have all of the pictures you've been sent?

No, I don't but that was because yahoo decided to delete my account a few years ago and I lost about 400 emails of pics.  Those assholes!  I was sad because a woman that I have paid like 20 times had sent pics and videos and I lost them all.

Besides that though, yes I do, but honestly I haven't looked at anything older then like 4-5 months in a very long time

And why is that? Do you look once and move on or do you have favorites? Do you have favorite submitters?

Def have my favorites but I almost never will ask a woman if she wants to take my offer again and that is because I usually always have others messaging me who are interested.

How do you feel about the word fetish?

I think the word scares a lot of people and makes then immediately think freak or creep. Just about all of us have some kind of fetish, just don't admit it.

Quinton Tarantino has one and is open about it. Jay Leno does and there are many celebs that do as well.

I totally agree! But I think people might not realize that certain things are considered a fetish of sorts.

The truth is, you're not the first foot guy I've ever met. I admit... I'm very curious about it, but I'm honestly curious about all the things in life that make people tick. I think it's kind of cool that your pursue your interests while helping others. It's a lot better than being someone who lives an unsatisfied life. Thank you for being so willing to be open and honest and answer all my nosy questions.

Also just to clarify, I like other women body parts more than feet.  Lol.

Really? Because that's a lot of pictures and money for something you're not all about.

If you're giving me the choice between sex and a footjob, give me sex 75% of the time.  Do you find that odd?

Do I find what odd?  That you prefer sex to a foot job? No.  I find it incredibly normal as someone who has encountered men with fetishes they didn't consider fetishes who preferred it over sex.  I am surprised...at the normalcy considering the lengths and cost your go to to indulge in this foot thing.

Remember, this truly is about helping out women who can use some extra money.



That's where our conversation ended.  We've chit chatted many times since then.  He is always pleasant, always asks how I am doing, and true to his word has never pressured me or brought up the topic of pictures and whether or not I was going to take him up on his offer.  To be honest, I said I was going to and then didn't get back to him for over a month and he never said a word unless I brought it up.

So does Brian pay up?  I'll have to let you know.  I sent him my pictures this morning, but had some camera issues.  I don't blame him for not paying for what he wants.  I can understand that.  So, I'm going to have to get back to you on that one.


UPDATE:

Well, I had a little bitty problem with my pictures.  Basically...I'm fat and need sluttier shoes.  But I got the job done.

Some advice:  Own slutty, strappy sandals and have a friend take your photos when taking pics for Brian. Seriously.  I can't tell you how many times I considered calling people and being like, "Bitch, I'm coming over so you can take pictures of my feet".

I sent more than what I needed to because I wasn't sure about some.  Brian gave me honest feedback and asked me to fix what he wanted.  I did it and sent them back.

Was he thrilled with my "product"?  Hard to say.  He hasn't really said much.

But the interesting thing is...I'm surprised by how much I found myself caring whether or not I took good pictures (I mean, I have pretty feet, I want them represented well).  And because I lack creativity, I felt like I was just taking the same pictures over and over again.  Brian tells you exactly what he wants, but I still felt like I wasn't doing something I was supposed to be.

In the end, I sent the second set of photos and Brian paid me.  I sent the email, and the deposit into my Paypal account was almost immediate.



From my Paypal account


So...what did I learn from this experience?  My perfectionism is out of control.  There ARE people on the Internet who will do exactly what they say they will do.

And I can now add "Foot Model" to my resume (and Pestitute to my list of naughty things I've done).

Want to know what I'm doing to keep my feet soft and photo worthy?  How I went from dry skin and cracked heels to "foot model"



Update:  In the end, someone finally "exposed" Brian the Foot Man for being someone else entirely.  This person even went so far as to create a brand new blog dedicated to "outing" Brian the Foot Guy.  The reality?  He was a married man, older than what he had told me in our interview, and his wife had no idea what he was doing.  Also shared were photos of his hairline, personal Facebook information for him and his wife, and messages going back and forth detailing the havoc that was going to be released in this man's life as a result of the exposure. 

I understand that people thought his offer was creepy.  It bothered some people.  It made some people uncomfortable. Knowing what I know now, I don't regret my interactions with him. Yes, he lied to me but he also had no reason to be honest with me as a stranger on the Internet.  No, I do not agree with what he was doing behind his wife's back.  While I feel slighted a bit and I do feel that he was a bit seedy, I still maintain that in out interactions together Brian was always a gentleman.  I don't know what has become of him, but I wish him the very best and hope that he is able to repair his marriage



Have you met Brian the Foot Guy? (Part 1)

I first "met" Brian about a month ago when he sent me a message on Facebook during Sunday Confessions asking me if I would post his offer to buy pictures of women's feet for $50.


I'm not going to lie...I didn't know what to think.  The truth is Brian is pretty straightforward about what he does and wants, and that kind of forwardness put me off a little bit.  Don't get me wrong, I've posted questionable things before and some people would say I do it all day, but the last thing I want to do is post something and be associated with a scam, or some kind of harassment.  

So I took it to a group of bloggers that I know and asked them what they thought.  The response?  

"Omg, you haven't met Brian yet?  You're not a serious blogger/page admin until Brian asks you to share his request!"

Well, now that I knew I had "arrived" I decided to ask Brian some more questions about how it works because I wanted to at least try and make sure it wasn't some seedy, creepy thing because I was still feeling a little weird about it.  He assured me that the photos were for his own personal use, that other people do not see them, and that he pays by Paypal or Money Order and he also told me he had over 100 women who would vouch for him. 

I have to admit, I was fascinated.  It's not that I haven't met men who were into feet before.  My ex (who I like to call White Demon) was particularly fond of my feet though I don't really know what it is like to date someone who is into feet because our relationship was mostly long distance.  Another time, I had a gentleman at a Chinese Buffet tell the boyfriend-that-was that my feet were beautiful and he was a lucky man.  Truth be told, I've never thought I had pretty feet until then. 

I still wasn't sure what to think.  If I posted it and my readers took advantage of Brian's offer, would that make me a foot pimp?  Should I have been asking for money to run his "ad"?  And to be honest, blogging isn't cheap; I'd been told I had pretty feet  in the past and $50 isn't a small amount of money...if I sent pics of MY feet to Brian, would I be a foot hooker?  Would that make me a pestitute instead of a prostitute?

So I posted his request, and just for fun...I included a pic of my feet as a freebie (mostly because I was still so proud of my birthday pedicure, and I was hoping he'd tell me I have pretty feet) 



The responses varied, including one from a guy who thought I needed to trim my toenails (thanks, dude...but that is a french pedi with a THICK white line, not a need for a clippers), but overall quite a few people seemed interested.  Meanwhile, I was still chatting Brian up.  As it turns out, he really is pretty well-known among Facebook Page Admins and Bloggers...at least I think so because even  the awesome blogger, author, and all around HILARIOUS RachRiot wrote about him.  Read it here.

Brian generated lots of interest.  And the best part?  He was totally willing to do an interview with me and tell me about himself and answer my questions and questions from my readers.

So, who is Brian?  Why does Brian love feet and why is he paying for these photos?  How does he pay for them?

And the most important question of all:  Was I willing to send Brian pictures of MY feet, and was he really going to pay?


Read Who is Brian? (Part 2)