Wednesday, May 7, 2014

What If Wednesday: What if they made a movie about my life?

Today's Topic: What If...they made a movie about my life?

Only 5-10 minutes of writing....GO!

My life isn't movie material.  Not real, big screen theater movie material anyway.  Someone might be able to squeeze a Lifetime movie out of an experience or two, maybe even a Hallmark Channel movie.  

If they made a movie about my life.... Melissa McCarthy would be me.  There is absolutely positively NO ONE else who could play me.  I considered Nikki Blonsky, but she has WAY better eyebrows than I do and that just wouldn't float.  Plus, I'm hilarious and Melissa McCarthy would slide into the role like she was born to play it.  


I don't know who would play my mom.  I'm almost afraid to say who lest she find out.  Ok, I change my mind... Barbara Streisand.  There is no one else.  I mean, she doesn't really LOOK like my mom, but I love Barbara in Mom-roles and she kind of sounds like my mom sometimes.

Nikki Blonsky is going to play my sister, and before you jump in and tell me that Nikki Blonsky and Melissa McCarthy don't look like they're related at all....well, my sister and I don't look that much alike.  Seriously.  Genetics are funny and my sister looks more Native while I got the French/Belgian/Norwegian traits.  People have a hard time believing that my parent's three children all came from the same place because we all look so different.  And, my sister has better eyebrows.  But Nikki Blonsky is perfect to play my sister. 

Jesse Adam Eisenberg would play my brother. I mean, my brother is WAY better looking's a movie and it is what it is. Jesse Eisenberg is frickin hilarious, but totally capable of being a serious butthole and there is no one I'd rather be stuck in Zombieland with except maybe Woody Harrelson's character but we're not talking about that right now.

Benjamin Stockham would play my nephew.  He's best known for his role of Robby Gunderson in the 2010 FOX sit-com Sons of Tucson, and previously starred as Xander Gilchrist in the NBC sit-com 1600 Penn.  He's older now, but the kid is cute as a button. 

And of course someone would need to play Bonehead.  The problem with casting Bonehead is... your choices of Native American actors is slim.  Seriously.  And, you could always do what they did in early Hollywood and hire someone of Hispanic origins to play the part but somehow that just doesn't feel right.'s my movie so I can do whatever the flock I want.  So I'd go with Guillermo Diaz (because he gives me a crazy lady boner), Adam Beach (because the guy is at least the right Nation, kinda) or I can just say fuck it and go with Taylor Lautner because...yum.  Just kidding about Taylor Lautner.  Too young.  The fact that I love his face makes me feel weird even though he is totally legal. 

Love you, Guillermo.  Really. 

Adam Beach in Windtalkers.  

I have no idea what the hell the movie would be about.  No idea.  Honestly, my life would probably be better as a reality show because then the producers could edit out all the boring crap that happens between the life drama and the action and the insane things that happen.  I know that sounds terrible and maybe you're thinking "Geez, what's Hot Ash's life REALLY like?" but the truth is...I don't think I'm made for a movie.  Maybe a sitcom...and don't you dare think about crackin' a Roseanne joke. 

1 comment:

  1. Ha ha I love that you picked Barbara Streisand for your mom. That's awesome. Her role in Meet the Fockers was hilarious.

    I have no idea what my life would be like as a movie. It would probably be something relating to hobbits, you know, because I am so short. I could also star in a documentary about twenty-somethings going through a quarter life crisis.