Monday, July 21, 2014

Online Dating: Behind Closed Doors

If you've been following me long, you know that a few months ago I told Facebook I wasn't read to date again.  But in order to tell everyone exactly why, I needed to sign up for Plenty Of Fish.  Since then, I filled out my profile, signed up for a couple of other sites, and started getting messages... and I've learned that online dating is a messy, messy thing and quit frankly, I just don't understand any of it from the profiles, to the content of the first messages people feel it is appropriate to send (which spurred DoucheArt, a blog taking the worst of Internet Messages and turning them into art).

If there is anything I've learned about online dating, it's that there are some things that should just be left behind closed doors for awhile.  While I understand that people have kinks and quirks and some just prefer to put them out on the table before getting to meet someone and feeling all the feels only to find themselves incompatible, I can't help but think that there really should be some things that should be third date conversation.

Do people even make it to third dates anymore?

As sad as it is... I've never really dated.  Not in a way where a man asked me out and we go out to dinner, and continue to do things like that until a relationship develops and we decide to see each other exclusively.  Is that unusual?  Has dating died?  Clearly, I must be doing something wrong.

But I digress.

So I signed up for OkCupid.  I'd be lying if I said that the site didn't leave me feeling a little bit...well, exposed.  Whether or not I'm a prude is still up for debate; I am a fairly open person, and will answer just about any question you ask me once I get to know you on a more personal level.  But the questions portion... asking if you have rape fantasies, like anal sex, and what your thoughts are on people who have slept with x amount of people is pretty invasive.  I keep trying to believe that the site is really trying to find the best match possible, but where is the line between finding a good match and handing out free tickets to your bedroom activities?

But the one thing I can't get past is being asked the most private thing I'm willing to admit.  What is the importance of this section?  What kind of information am I supposed to be gleaning from this about the person who wrote it?  I'm trying to understand that people are at a point where they are just putting it out there and trying to find a mate in an open and honest way but at this rate no one is going to have any horrific "I really liked him but then he told me..." stories in the future.  Is that really any way to live?

And with that I bring you what people consider the most private things they're willing to admit (and for the record, I admitted that I like being naked under my clothes.  I also shower in the nude and like to do lots of other things in the nude.  I'm so unoriginal.  But... I like to maintain some mystery).

 Well, alrighty then. That's quite a lot to take in. 

 Maybe I should message this guy...I bet he wouldn't hold my Alli Experience against me. 

 I saw all the movies... maybe.  I just don't get it.  But... I hope he finds himself a Hermione of his very own. 

 Well, that's just kind of cute and I'm glad he is open about it from the get-go.  Because I can't imagine dating this guy and catching him in the shower by accident and not thinking maybe I had missed something very important. 

 Honestly, I've never really understood this one.  I know it is a "fetish" or whatever but for all of the people out there who rant and rave about cigarettes and how awful they are and smelly and (insert cliche and overused complaint about smoking/smokers/cigarettes here), I find it hard to believe there is anyone who is actually INTO it. 

I'm scared of squirrels so maybe I should just shut the hell up and not be a judgy mcjudgypants, but... I kind of want to cuff this guy to a bed and force him to watch "Black Swan" with me... because who doesn't love Natalie Portman playing a confused, repressed young ballerina in the midst of a psychotic episode having hot girl-on-girl sex with Mila Kunis?

I could go on.  These aren't the worst I've ever seen and some are just funny.  But... it doesn't leave me any less confused about this online dating world.

What is the most private thing YOU would be willing to admit on an online dating site?


  1. LOL. I once had a guy tell me I looked hot when I smoked. And then he told my best friend she *didn't* look hot when she smoked so I pushed him over a couch. I'm a good friend.

  2. " Well, that's just kind of cute and I'm glad he is open about it from the get-go. Because I can't imagine dating this guy and catching him in the shower by accident and not thinking maybe I had missed something very important." BWAHAHAHAHA *dies*

  3. Keep these posts coming! I love it!!!!

  4. I tried all these sites and ended up with Craigslist... love my husband who I met off there. Those responses are SOOO hilarious though! I love it!