Friday, July 18, 2014

Online Dating: What's up with Your Profile?

Remember in October when I wrote a letter to Facebook about not being ready to date again? Dear Facebook...I'm NOT Ready to Date Again

Well, I had to sign up on Plenty Of Fish in order for that to happen, and when I did it I decided I might as well put in a half-assed effort to write a profile and I actually got some messages!  Nothing I was interested in pursuing but I was still flattered.  Then again, I'm also the woman who considers being "hollered" at in the Walgreen's parking lot (conveniently located across the street from community Addiction Support Center) a compliment.

I like reading personal ads.  I read them on Craigslist when I get bored.  I'm still on Plenty of Fish, though I haven't touched it in months.  I recently checked out Tinder so I could figure out what the folks at Down 2 Date are talking about.  And I've learned that I just don't understand it, ANY of it...starting with the Profiles.  I'm not claiming mine is the BEST, but it certainly isn't the worst.

What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet - unless we're talking about online dating in which case, your profile name matters.  I'm willing to admit it if I'm looking to actually meet someone from a place notorious for weirdos, I'm going to analyze you a bit first and it starts with the name you're going to call yourself.  Your favorite band, even incorporating the number "420" into your username is least it alludes to your interests and what you might seek in a partner.  Using your full name suggests that perhaps you're unimaginative, or maybe you're ok with me Facebook stalking you, which is commendable I guess unless your online dating profile is something so foul your employer would be ashamed to be giving you a paycheck.  And while I might look at your profile, and browse your photos...but I will never consider contacting or responding to a man who's username is "DonkeyPunch".

Headlines, like the headlines in a newspaper, are important.  While I will pick up a newspaper and read it if it is free, I've never bought one when the headlines sucked.  There's no way around it.  I'll be honest and say that my headline sucks, but it isn't creepy.

I have no words.  I have a quirky sense of humor.  I make Helen Keller jokes, but this?  Just no

Fine, I won't.

I don't, and I don't think I want to. 

Do I LOOK like a clown?  On a serious note, this guy messaged me and asked me if one of the pictures on my profile was taken from a movie.  Umm, no...that's just my face. 

A picture is worth a thousand words.  Shallow as it may be, no one wants to message someone and get to know them only to find out that they're not attracted to them.  I understand that sometimes people just aren't attracted to certain things and you can't really fault someone for what they're into.  So... having a picture is important, but what your choice of photo says about you is equally as important in my opinion.  Maybe I'm picky, but on my list of things that turn me off when it comes to photos:
  • Photos being affectionate with other women.  I get it, you might have female friends, sisters, whatever... but seeing another beautiful girl under your arm doesn't make it easier for me to see myself there.  And those pics with a girl cropped out are even more telling.  It's not that I don't know you have a past, but damn... don't you have any pictures without it?  Shopping for a new special someone with pictures taken with your old special someone just rubs me the wrong recycling sex toys or something.
  • Pictures of kids.  Seeing a man with child does not melt me or make them more likable to me.  And seeing the way people talk to other people on dating sites... I don't know why anyone would want to share pictures of their kids in those forums.  Last but not least... sharing photos of your kids, then sending gross, dirty and unsolicited sexts as your first message sends so many wrong and mixed messages.  If you're looking for a casual hookup... why the hell do you want them to know what your kid looks like?
  • Pictures of Pets.  I mean, your dog is cute but one picture of you and five of your dog don't impress me.
  • Bathroom photos.  I'm so tired of seeing urinals. 
I really like this guy.  He's actually pretty sexy... but he had bathroom pictures from two different bathrooms.  Come on dude...spend some time outside or something. 

Is that a statement or an offer?  Either way... I'm not interested.  Also... that creepy statue next to the toilet you're standing in front of also makes this a "No, Thank You".
  • Your Mom's house.  I totally look at the background of your photos and seeing a pigsty or telltale signs that you live with your mom or grandma don't float my boat (but I'm sure they're wonderful women.) 
  • Douchey Poses.  You know the ones... lifting up half of the shirt, the shirtless guy wearing a stethoscope.
Your "About Me" or "Self Summary" says a lot.  No really, it does.  Because seeing how much effort you put into your profile is really telling about what exactly it is you're looking for and what your intent is.  Write too much and it seems like desperation, but if you can't be bothered to write a few sentences about yourself, what you're looking for, or what you like to do...well, it leads me to believe you might not be able to hold up your end of a conversation over dinner.  If I'm not looking to really get to know someone then that is convenient, but if you're going to claim you want a long-term relationship then perhaps you should start by being someone I can have real conversations with. 

I have no words. 

No questions, and I'm not going to message you either.

I don't even know where to start with this one. 

This guy actually messaged me... after midnight. Nothing good happens after midnight on dating sites.  I wrote a DoucheArt about it

 I want to laugh, but I'm mostly creeped out. 

I really, really wish men in my community would learn the difference between "woman" and "women".  Every time I see one of these, it's an automatic NO

Your Perfect First Date is stupid.  Never have I ever read what someone wrote about what they thought the "perfect" first date was and been like, "Wow, I want to have THAT first date with THAT guy"; The fact that this question is stupid is not your fault and because of that, I'm forgiving of generic answers.  Except walks on the beach. That's bullshit.  Have you ever walked on the beach with someone (walks that came before or after fishing do not count)?  But what never ceases to amaze me are the number of guys who think it is appropriate to say that the first date should be dinner or a movie at home.  Maybe I'm just a paranoid adult, but the last thing I'm going to do is show up at some man's house that I've never met before for dinner and a movie, and I damn sure am not inviting him back to mine.  Maybe not all women feel this way and that's fine, but I will not be eating food prepared by a stranger in his home and I definitely will not be inviting him to mine.

The most private thing you're willing to admit.  I'm new to OkCupid, but I have to say... this is the most intriguing thing and I'll be writing about it in the future.  But... I'd like to remind everyone out there that you're trying to find someone to date, maybe even a life partner.  That being said... perhaps there are just some things you don't want to include on your dating profile.  Like all of the details of your single homosexual experience and how much you enjoyed it and talk about it multiple times... it's not that I'm against that, but if you're bisexual can you just state that you are bisexual?  I didn't need the life story.

"You should message me if"'re careful not to show your bitterness in this section. The most common thing I see on this part of OKCupid profiles is a long, melodramatic list of everything that ever went wrong in every relationship the person has ever had.  Ever.  Like, including that girl he asked to be his girlfriend when he was 12 in middle school, and they "dated" for like two weeks but never saw each other or called each other.

Not the worst I've seen, but... maybe you could say something nice?  Like "You think I'm interesting" or "You see that we have a lot in common" 

Man... dating is HARD.  I mean, I guess... most of the time, if the profile doesn't kill me... the messages these men send me almost do.  Stay tuned for those!


  1. Bwhahahah! I'm dying at the pictures! What is with some guys finding the middle finger so awesome? Shove it sideways boys! :) Great post!

  2. "Dating is HARD." <<< That's what she said? ;)

  3. Ummmm, wow. WOW. There's nothing sexier than a urinal. Well maybe a guy who licks unattended candy and refuses to hug children. Thank goodness you've got a great sense of humor! Well, and that you're sharing with us. :-)

  4. This was great...a great critique of female online dating ads. You could have added the profile where they tell you about how they hate men and how men are awful, but they've just got to have one. And of course there's the female profile, age 37 but from the photos you know she's not a day younger than 55.Finding Atlanta on-line personals