Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Online Dating: Your Ex's Profile.

When it comes to online dating, it is inevitable that at some point you're going to encounter the profile of someone you know and every time it happens to me I feel awkward about it.  I won't deny that I've looked, especially if I had been interested in the person at one point or another but for the most part I tend to leave those profiles alone because it feels like looking into someone's medicine cabinet... peering into a corner of themselves they didn't actually invite you into, totally intrusive and a touch rude.  

But... what if it is your ex?

Recently during a conversation among friends, the discussion of exes on dating sites came up.  I chose to share my Claim to Shame: the link to my latest ex's online dating profile that I had stumbled across while browsing profiles in my area.  Then I made the most rookie mistake ever, and I clicked on the link to his profile while I was logged in on other screen.  Anyone who uses the site knows...once you look at a profile, the user can see that you viewed them.  It took him ten days to notice before sending me a message which I turned into DoucheArt.  

The 75 "Likes" and 16 comments told me that I clearly wasn't the first person to have ever made this mistake. So... that was comforting.

It is socially accepted and expected that when it comes to your online dating profile, you should put your best foot forward when looking to meet someone for dating and partnership.  Though, if you saw my post on Dating Profiles it would seem I'm the only person who thinks this or lots of people didn't get the memo, including my ex who decided the best profile picture would be of him looking like he'd been up all night on a bender and wearing his work uniform.  

If there is anything I've learned so far, it is that sometimes you just have to laugh.  And when I came across my ex's profile I could do nothing but, especially when I noticed that one of the few things he was actually honest about on his profile was something he LIED about during our entire relationship... and, oddly enough, it was the one thing men lie about most often on dating sites: Height.  How screwed up is that?

"I Am a single father who loves life. I Am very easy going person who enjoys sitting at home watching a movie over going out drinking. I live to fish and own my own boat. I am looking for someone who likes some of the same things as me so we can do something we both enjoy. I like plays and opera...a couple Ihave seen in person are Rent, Cinderella, and my favorite seen at the Cadillac Palace in Chicago IL. The Phantom of the Opera. If your a Fun woman who would like to hang out and maybe go to a movie hit me up. though I do work a lot and have my daughter every other weekend I will still make tone for fun"

From his declaration of being a "single father" (Yes, he helped create a child and he is single.  But he is not a "single father" in a way that means doing anything to contribute to the growth and development of his child outside of paying child support and picking her up for "visitation" which is basically picking her up from her mother's then proceeding to ignore her and leave her to other people to raise while he plays computer games) to his claim of having his own boat (true, what is being omitted is how much screaming he'll do at you while getting the boat into the water and how it stalls at least twice every time resulting in more screaming) he fudged his way through the entire thing.  He also claims to like plays and opera, though we never went to a single one in our entire relationship because we couldn't go out in public without him making a spectacle of himself in one way or another which may or may not include inappropriate volume or language, piss-poor manners, or issues like sound or smell related to bodily functions.  Bragging about having seen a performance is about as close as he gets to culture.

And that "looking for someone who likes some of the same things as me so we can do something we both enjoy" part could mean a lot of things, but just to clarify: this does not apply to your sex life as eventually he will only want to engage in sexual activities solely enjoyable to him and fall asleep shortly after without reciprocation, and will not be doing anything special or beneficial for you the next night to make up for it, or the night after that, or the night after that.  And he damn sure doesn't want to do anything mutually beneficial or do things in a way that make things mutually beneficial.  If you decide to not engage, you'll be chastised for the lack of activity after which he'll still expect you to initiate the one-way sex and smile about it. (And if you need to know the problems with sexual frustration, read this piece from Megsanity).

Of course he's entitled to present himself in any way he wants, just like I am.  I'm sure if you asked him he would have plenty to say about my profile and the things he believes I left off of it like the fact that he believes I'm a tree thief, all the bitching and nagging I did at him to pick up the garbage he left on the floor when he missed the can every single time (much like the way he couldn't ever manage to hit the bowl) and take the garbage out (his only household chore).  I'm sure he'll tell you how I'm a "cold hearted [sic] calculated waste of space" for not responding to emotionally manipulative tactics at getting back into my life.  He might even tell you that I kept his things which therefore makes me "a hooker and a prostitute", which he told me I was in his last message to me sent two and a half months after I asked for a list of items he believed were owed to him so that I may present it to my lawyer, which he never provided.

Me... Every. Time.

His message to me when he noticed I had looked at his profile was simple: Why are you looking at my profile?  And the answer is easy... because I fucking can, it is a free country, and because I'm trying to figure out why I was ever attracted to you and I wondered if maybe seeing you trying to present yourself as someone attractive might help assuage some of my feelings of self-loathing for being in a relationship with you for so long, as if maybe when you're trying I could see a glimmer of something that might have attracted me to you in the first place and I wouldn't feel like such a fucking idiot.

The moral of the story is... just don't click it.  Don't look at that profile and it wont lead you to making  rookie mistakes when making fun of your ex.  There isn't a whole lot of good that can come from reading your ex's profile.  You might get some laughter out of it, but if you're hoping to see one even remotely attractive thing about them that will make your attraction in the past seem reasonable... you'll fail and end up writing an angry, slightly bitter diatribe about what a pile of shit they are.  And, if you've taken nothing else away from this, be wary of everyone you meet because a seemingly decent, though incredibly poorly written, profile might be another woman's former nightmare.


  1. "Rookie mistake". Love it. It is funny how time and perspective changes things so dramatically.

  2. "The moral of the story is... just don't click it." Yes. This holds true for so many things.

    P.S. I love this series.

  3. Yes. Those are all three great examples of "opera."

    *face palm*

  4. it is such an amazing story. i love it ....