Sunday, July 6, 2014


Welcome to another Sunday Confessions!  

This week's topic: 

The English language is such a funny thing.  I can't help but wonder at the vast difference in meaning between the words "captive" and "captivate". 

Maybe there is something wrong with me but I just can't see how the noun and the verb can have such different meanings.  But in hindsight, I realize that so many of the things in my life that have captivated me have ended up holding me captive.

I've come to realize that when I get into something, I go all in and get a little obsessive about it.  I over-do everything because I want to be good at everything.  I people-please to the extreme.  I get so captivated that it stops being fascinating and becomes confining.  And even though I know that, it doesn't stop me from going all in when it comes to relationships, hobbies, even things like holiday preparations.  

I've been captive to so many things... fear, relationships, poor coping mechanisms, binge eating... unfortunately, it seems that I have some habits to break. The worst part has been finding just how captive I've been to negativity and ugliness; how much darkness has been in my life and it's been the hardest thing for me to walk away from yet.
Shortly after the break-up from a man I once found captivating who was really no good for me, I went to get an Energy Healing Session (Reiki).  I felt blocked.  I felt dirty on every layer of my being.  I didn't know what to expect, but I was willing to try anything.  It was an awesome and interesting experience.  As I was getting my healing, there were so many ugly things that went through my mind and I realized that I had been poisoning myself for so long with things that seemed harmless.  I walked away thinking "It's time to clean up my life".

It's pretty easy to walk away thinking that, and another to actually do it.  To cut out things that could be considered poisonous to the brain, body and psyche when you're embraced them for so long thinking they were harmless.  On some level, I still seek out the poison because it is like a sickness or a drug and it's been the hardest thing I've faced yet. 

Very shortly after I left the relationship and started on my road towards healing, I tried to help someone in a similar situation.  After awhile, I realized I wanted to help them because I wanted to be the person I needed someone to be for me, and because it gave me something to focus on other than what was important: working on myself and my own healing.  I let myself be consumed by their problems and issues and be distracted by them in order to avoid dealing with my own problems.  When all was said and done, I took on their ugliness to avoid dealing with my own and eventually it made me vengeful, angry and caused me to act in ways I normally wouldn't.  

It took me a long time to realize that I wasn't practicing what I preach.  I've come to believe that bad, unhealthy relationships are like crack.  No... I don't know that much about crack and I've never tried it so many this is the world's most inappropriate comparison and I'm not trying to make light of a very real affliction.  But I once had a friend of a friend who had struggling with a crack addiction tell me how much she loved crack.  She didn't do it anymore, but she loved it.  And I realized... bad relationships are like crack because even when they're killing you, even when you've given away everything for it and it's ravaged the health of your mind and body... you still want it.  And addiction is a sickness.  Sickness, like the common cold, is contagious.  Being around sick people will make you sick again.  And that is what I was doing... exposing myself to sick people who only reinfected me when I was beginning to heal and I was SO sick.  I was so sick that I considered calling the man I once considered so captivating who was no good for me.  After fighting so hard for progress, I still had days where it was all I could think about.

Some days I'm still held captive by the ugly things I swore to get away from.  I keep trying to remind myself that being bitter/anger/resentful is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  I keep trying to clean up my life and work towards something beautiful, something captivating... but I keep struggling with being a captive of the past and sadly, sometimes, I think it makes me a sick person who infects others and I hate myself for it.  I've been wondering lately if the things that have held me captive and made me miserable have begun making others miserable and I struggle with that... with the idea that I'm making people I care about miserable because I'm struggling to let go. 

I read this the other day and it reminded me why I have to keep pushing, to keep trying, to keep working towards removing the things that are ugly but also the things that make me feel and act ugly because I am a collective of every experience I have ever had... and I've worked so hard to see, feel, have and know too many beautiful things to have it all shadowed by the ugliness I've encountered along the way. 

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