Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Online Dating: Douche Bags say What?!?!

If there is anything I've learned, it's that if the profiles don't kill you... the first message will.  Most people know about my incredible partnership with Jenniy from Climaxed and our joint project: DoucheArt.  And if you're a fan of the site... you know we get douchey messages ALL the time.  Believe it or not, many of the messages we receive are the first messages the people who send them to us ever send.  But there is so much more to crappy messages on Online Dating Sites, they aren't all douchey but that doesn't make them good either.

Neverending Pleasantries.  I love men with manners.  But for some reason, I have a couple of men on dating websites who just continue to make small talk with me... it usually consists of "How are you?",  "How is your day?" followed by a compliment, and then stop replying to me.  I can ask questions, I can attempt to start a dialogue and just don't get a response.  They just never reply and in two weeks start over with "Hi" and "How is your day?"

The Douchey Sext Message.  I've noticed that Jenniy tends to get more douchey initial messages than I do whereas I tend to get more of the kind of messages that start out reasonably normal but go bad before I really know what the hell is going on.  We've both gotten awful, predatory, unsolicited sexts and DoucheArt is proof of that, but what usually makes them even worse is when we look at the profiles.

Some of the messages we get will make your skin crawl, but very few things make me want to crawl out of my skin like an insect shedding an exoskeleton quite like getting a predatory, vile message only to look at the profile and see the man exclaiming, "I'm a father to the World's Most Beautiful 5 year old girl", or even worse... see pictures of him holding his two kids.  Or for example, this DoucheArt post from Jenniy about a man with the username "OrgasmDaddy" whose profile was all about his kids but his first message was downright icky.

Photo from

The Great Insulter.  They are by far one of my favorite types of messages.  I know that sounds strange, but after having been in a 3 year relationship with a narcissist I didn't see coming until I was already emotionally invested it is kind of refreshing to have someone show you their ass right off the bat.  And it is funny for me... because every time it happens, I want to ask them, "Did you not realize how insulting that was before you sent it, or do you literally expect me to respond to that favorably?"  Sometimes I wonder if it is some of that Pick Up Artist negging crap, and I don't understand why anyone feels that is appropriate in an online forum much less in real life.  But what it comes down to is, I want to be with someone who thinks I'm wonderful and wants to build a relationship with me and by "taking me down a peg" or criticizing me... I immediately know that the person who said it to me doesn't want to respect me, build me up, or work towards success with me because someone who does wouldn't feel the need to try and bring me to a level where they felt they could approach me.  That's just kind of sick and stupid.

I'm not even sure I want to bring up the guy who assumed that not answering him in the middle of the night meant that I must be "picky", as if I don't have a right to be picky about choosing someone to date (you can see that DoucheArt post here).

Conversation Cock-blocking.  I run into this situation more than I care to admit.  I personally do not think I'm hard to talk to.  I ask questions.  I respond to messages in ways that allow further conversation.  That being said, it is incredibly irritating to me when someone sends me a message that I in no way can respond to.  What REALLY irritates me is when they keep messaging me to have these conversations that just drop off over and over again.  Are these guys really douche bags? Not necessarily, but when you read the profiles and they are cutting down the website and talking about how hard it is to find someone, it's hard not to tell them that it isn't what they're saying, so much as how they're saying it.  They don't leave any room for a woman to respond.

This was originally shared on DoucheArt, click the picture to read the original post

"Am good"?  I just couldn't bring myself to answer him in a way that would encourage further communication.  That, however, didn't stop him from asking me if I wanted to text him in his next message. *Facepalm*

The Little Engine That Could.  As time has gone on... I quit returning messages to anyone who messaged me, but for a long time everyone who sent me a message got a response (more on that later).  I'm willing to admit that I might be a little sensitive to certain behaviors, but when I get a SECOND message from someone before I even had time to respond to their previous message (or even receive it)... I am extra cautious.  I'm not talking about people who message me again because they wanted to say something extra, I'm talking about the guy who messaged me three times in 2-4 hour intervals in one day and has messaged me every couple of days since then.

He must be saying, "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can... get her to answer!" (he's messaged me "Hi" twice since I took this screen shot on Saturday)

The Horny Novelist.  Every once in awhile, I will get a huge long first message.  Not like... full of personalized compliments and totally interesting kind of long either.  They're really more like swipe, swipe,  swipe, play Words with Friends, check Facebook, forgot if you read this screen and swipe without reading, answer phone call from my mom that lasts 20 minutes and I have no idea what she wanted in the first place when I hang up, "wait- did I read this already?", swipe, skim to the end.  What are they about?  Honestly, they're so fucking long that I couldn't even really tell you though what I do read is usually fairly well written (spelling and grammar).  There is a smattering about hobbies in there, but messages like these usually come from pseudo intellectuals self-described scholars or college guys/undergraduates wearing houndstooth and "nerd glasses" (and if you're really lucky, they'll throw in a bow-tie) and bullshitters philosophers who want to talk about the meaning of life and share with you what I can only assume is their Mission Statement.  It comes off as being really deep and and genuine and it can be really tempting to take a guy who sends you such a long introspective message seriously... if you haven't encountered it before.

If only they looked this good.  Mmm... I love you J.T. 

I admit... dudes who kind of remind me of Kevin Smith win brownie points

Unfortunately, while the guy just might be geektastically sexy, when he seems barely capable of making general conversation and after maybe four messages asks you if you want to "meet up for some fun" it's just kind of a turn off.  Because WHY?  Why write such a long, seemingly thought out message that you send to women with the expectation that they actually read it if you're just going to proposition them for sex?  Seriously?

But you can normally tell these guys by the pretentious bullshit in their profile.  They'll go on and on about being a "liver" of life, but won't actually ever say what they hell it is they're literally doing.  Then, in the section that asks about movies... they'll say something like, "One should not need interests in media to seem interesting, we are human beings, we are plenty interesting by ourselves."  But what they really mean is, "why watch tv when we can fuck?"

Call Me, maybe.  He'll have virtually no information on his profile, and will send you one, maybe two messages before asking you to text him... complete with his phone number.  One of these days, I'm going to find something really interesting to do with those phone numbers.  Maybe write them on dollar bills "for a good time"?

Maybe I'm just hung up on a bad experience, but I chatted with a guy for over a week one time before giving him my number... what happened next was unbelievable.  We had been texting for a few days... next thing I know, he sends me a video of him jerkin' the gherkin.  Then he wanted to meet up.  When I declined, I got text after text about how he had just fucked some chick, was going to shower and go fuck another one and then maybe meet up with a third.  I quit answering and the next day he texted me like nothing happened.  When I asked him to lose my number, he said fine and then continued to randomly text me for 6 months!

And that is why I don't give out my number to strange guys on online dating sites.

Face Time.  Some women have a problem with online dating because it seems like they don't actually get asked out; I have the opposite problem and I get asked out regularly without actually knowing anything about the person.  I realize that there needs to be some kind attraction outside of a few pictures, but I just can't bring myself to meet a guy after one message, especially if his profile has zero information on it.  The whole point of online dating is to have access to many single people that you can chat with and see if you're even remotely interested's one of the great and wonderful things about online dating: you don't have to spend your time getting ready to go pay for your own drink, meet someone you don't really like and then find a way to get away from them.  It's just not safe or smart to just agree to meet someone after one message.  Maybe I'm a dummy, I just don't want to end up in a hole with someone standing over me telling me to put the lotion on the skin so he can wear my stomach as a meat dress after he starves me for awhile and clobbers me over the noggin.  I live in frickin's a very legitimate fear.

Also.... this song

The Guy that makes you ask WHY?!?  I recently got a message from a man and I could not for the life of me figure out why he messaged me.  The profile was just too long for me to include it here, but I'll just share the highlights with you:

  • "I would like to say that my profile is not in any way intended to control any woman as some ladies here think it is. I am a fully grown man and I know what I want in life and certainly know what I want in a woman." 
  • "First of all I have very strong passion for my faith and believes [sic]. I am a Christian and I can not[sic] imagine a perfect life without God and I am looking for someone who has strong religious background as well, preferably a Christian." 
  • "I have instruments that I practice everyday, gospel,smooth jazz,classical and reggae music are my favorite.
  • "I don't know how to cook but I always try to get in the kitchen to do something. I am single so why not.. lol. :)." 
  • "I like to run and ride my bicycle it constantly keeps me in good shape." 
  •  "I am not here looking for multiple women to sleep with. I am not desperate for a woman, though it would be nice to have a life partner. I am too much of a decent guy for that. Its not safe at all to be sleeping with many people. (STAYING 100% CLEAN IS A MUST )...I don't like a cheater so if its all about sex but no commitment or nothing serious then forget about talking to me." 
  • "I am also very sensitive to derogatory terms such as "f*** you" or "f**king" (simply put i do not like cussing, if you can't say it on TV then its NOT allowed ), and under no circumstance will i tolerate any insults from any woman it doesn't matter how mad she may be, insults only add flames to already heated conversations and its not a good way to achieve a positive results in a relationship. I believe there is a much better ways to resolve issues as loving couple. I don't want a woman to constantly cuss at their own kids.. its not a good way to raise a child and i do not want my future kids to learn insults from their parents or anybody else. I don't like a woman who calls herself a b**** and acts like one either.... I have met women in the past who always did all of the above and i don't see myself dating a woman like that. A woman should always respect herself first." 
  • "I don't like going to the bar or the club, I don't smoke or drink and I prefer a woman who doesn't smoke or drink or go to the bar or club" 
Ok, so maybe I'm being an asshole.  But this guy actually messaged me.  Seriously.  I say "shit" in my profile.  My username has the name of one of my favorite liquors in it and I specifically say I like wine and having drinks.  I do not mention religion in my profile AT ALL, I think anyone who is so passionate about their faith would look for someone who feels the same in a way that they put it on their public profile.  Running... just NO.  His weird little paragraph about staying clean made my skin feel creepy crawly.  And no derogatory terms? FUCK THAT.

Long story short, he messaged me and asked how I was for a two days, and then I asked why he messaged me and he asked if I wanted to date.  I told him based on his profile I couldn't figure out why he would ever message me in a million years... he responded by asking me what was wrong with my profile.  When I told him I seemed to be the opposite of what he was looking for, he still kept messaging me asking me what was opposite, then started grilling me as to whether or not I was a part of any religion, and when I said I believe in a higher power, he asked me the name.  I mean really... I'm sorry, but what the fuck?  If you're going to have a specific profile and want specific things, you should look for people who meet what you're looking for.  When you just message anyone, it makes you either full of shit or the kind of person who is going to try and force someone to be what you want them to be.  Either way... not awesome. 

I have to stop here.  I could keep going.  We could talk about the Text Speak guy, Typo guy, the guy who is bored, the guy who messages you a single greeting and never replies, the guy who says hi and then asks you to sit on his face... it is never ending.  What happened to a nice greeting, maybe a compliment, and then an actual conversation?  Ugh.  I'm starting to miss cheesy ass pick-up lines in bars.

What is the worst pick-up line anyone has ever used on you?


  1. Wear my stomach as a meat dress? You have such a way with words!!

    I remember the douches of online dating. I even met up with one once, as I didn't realize what a douche he was until I met him in person. I'm so glad I'm out of that cycle. But I feel your pain.

  2. I constantly spent my half an hour to read this weblog's content everyday along with a mug of coffee.

    1. With coffee is the best way to do it. Thanks for reading!