Sunday, September 14, 2014

My First Love

This week's prompt:
First Love

My first love was a boy I had known since I was 5.  I'm almost positive he had a crush on me going that far back. At first, I refused to date him because he was my friend, but I always loved him in one way or another.  As we got older things changed, and then somehow we started dating.

My first love wasn't my "first".  When I think back, maybe it should have been that way but I'm glad it wasn't because the way he ended things crushed me.  Had he been my first, I don't think I would have survived the extra hurt.

We tried making peace multiple times over the years.  It's been nearly a decade since we were a couple, yet every time he would come around I would feel the same old connection, attraction, and love.  Last year after my break-up with the boyfriend-that-was was no different.

I genuinely wanted to be his friend.  I thought we'd reached a point where maybe we were both adult enough to at least have a friendship.  I got burned again.  I finally realized so many things about myself and about him.  Last Valentine's Day, it all came out.

Recently, he messaged me and apologized.  While maybe that should have made me feel better, I realized that he wasn't actually sorry for what he did.  He wasn't sorry for being dishonest, hurtful, or behaving like a giant douche.  He was sorry because he made the choice to burn me and then got burned.  If the choices he made had turned out differently, I probably would not have ever gotten that apology.  

I realize now that the sweet boy I fell in love with all those years ago, who I loved with my whole heart in a way that I don't know I've ever loved anyone since, turned into a not-so-good or sweet man.  The reasons are varied, but I now believe I see him for what he is and it is unfortunate that no one else will ever have a chance to see what he once was... and he was amazing then. 

In the end, the apology means nothing because it wasn't really an apology.  It was an outward expression of his sadness that things didn't go his way.  He isn't sorry he hurt me just like he wasn't in the past.  And with that I say the same thing I said in February:


3 comments:

  1. I hear you. Lesson learned. No need to have it taught again.

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  2. Love your kindness, honesty, and ability to make me feel better whatever mood I'm in. 😊💓

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  3. I've got one of those......boy did he burn me 20 years later. Bless his heart when karma gets him back.
    <3 Hussy Love <3

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