Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Tiresome Facebook Friends of Friends

Recently, a wonderful blogger whom I adore, Lisa R. Petty, wrote a piece on Ten Tiresome Facebook Friends.  It was hilarious, and I'm willing to admit that I am the Crazy Cat Lady.

At this point, we've all acknowledged how irritating social media can be with the check-ins, the constant game invites, the vaguebooking, and that asshole relative who keeps uploading candid photos of your awkward teen years.  Some people have even admitted to being a wee bit addicted to the drama (ok fine, that was me).  As I sat here tonight fuming over stupidity, I realized the thing I find most irritating about Facebook isn't my tiresome Facebook friends, it's THEIR FRIENDS.   There... I said it.  The most irritating thing about Facebook, to me, are the people my friends hang out with digitally.

 But at the end of the day, I think we've all run into these Facebook Friend-of-a-Friend cliches that make us want to delete our Mutual Friend (MF) just so we aren't associated with them in any way.

The Great Defender - They might not show up in shining armor or riding a white horse, but they will come galloping to gallantly and exuberantly defend your mutual friend against any slight, actual or perceived.  You can count on them to always be the one to jump in even the most respectful discussions between people of differing opinions and insult everyone who doesn't agree with your mutual friend even if all they know about the subject is the facts laid before them.  They often ruin perfectly good conversations, and many times leave one person pissed about the conversation which might have otherwise ended peacefully with both parties agreeing to disagree.

The Bard** - The Bard rarely engages in any discussion with others and often seems unaware of the other comments on the status, seeming to be there solely for the purpose of brown nosing the mutual friend and disappearing.  It doesn't matter what the discussion is or what the status message says, they simply show up and sing the praises of the mutual friend before disappearing back into digital silence.

"Mutual Friend, I am so glad you want to drown kittens and bathe in the blood of a hundred innocent children. Thank goodness for your good heart and kind nature.  Without your generous spirit those poor kittens might find themselves homeless.  And thank you for rescuing those poor children from the dreadful fate of possibly growing up to be anything but just like you!"

** many times, The Bard is also your mutual friend's grandmother... which is the only time is isn't annoying and is actually kind of cute in the way only grandmothers can be cute. 

The Outsider - Sometimes Facebook Statuses are really a conversation between a few people or an inside joke that everyone can see and only a few understand.  While no one is disputing just how irritating this in itself can be, it is usually made more irritating by the commentary of The Outsider who shows up and acts like they know what is going on but only serves to embarrass themselves to everyone (who may or may not be tagged) who actually knows what the status is about.  Which makes everyone who is in on the joke sound like a Mean Girl and they would be... if The Outsider didn't often show up as The Great Defender, which ruins the fun for everyone.

The Blesser - Closely related to the Because Jesus friend mentioned in Ten Tiresome Facebook Friends, The Blesser is the friend-of-a-friend who always says "Bless you" and often shows up with a prayer and a Bible quote for every life situation.  Prayers and quotes can be wonderful and comforting...but there are times when the people who show up with prayers and Bible quotes deserve a whack with the good book.  Leaving commentary of a religious nature on the page of someone who is a stout Atheist when there is a loss or a tragedy is just disrespectful, just like telling someone who isn't a believer that they suffered an act of human depravity because it is "part of God's plan" is cruel.  I'm not entirely sure I'm not going to get shanked unfriended for this one.  

The Green-Eyed Monster - That friend who seems jealous of every activity or friendship involving your mutual friend that doesn't involve them.  They try to top every story, regularly comment about how nice it would have been to be invited along, and frequently allude to a time and place they shared with the mutual friend that has nothing to do with the status update whatsoever.

"Oh, you went to the new frozen yogurt place?  Remember when WE went to the Grand Opening of the Big Lots?"

The Dicksicle - They're the ones who show up to post a picture of a wiener or a dick meme for seemingly no good reason at any given time, on status updates that have nothing to do with wieners.

"Oh, you're grandma is in the hospital?  Let me just stick this ice cream wiener picture here for your perusal"

Ms. Proper Mom - The person who shows up with the same response whether it is because of a meme, or topic/language they find inappropriate.  It usually goes something like this:

"And I wish you wouldn't post this on Facebook where my kids can see it in spite of the face that you are not actually Facebook friends with my kids and I'm not tagged in it but something could happen and heaven forbid I leave your status update on the computer and walk away and they happen to walk in and know exactly what is being said in spite of the fact that they can't read." 

Ok fine, I'm exaggerating.  And of course I don't condemn anyone for being concerned and aware of what their kids are exposed to on the Internet, BUT at some point you need to take personal responsibility and turn off someone's updates, ask them to block your children, unfriend them, or get over it because no one wants to hear how you think someone should censor themselves because your kids are on the Internet.

The Stranger - That person who sends you a Facebook Friend Request and you have no idea why. You usually have one mutual friend, and you will have no idea who they are and you've never commented on any of that mutual friend's statuses together.  Sometimes, the mutual friend doesn't even know who the person is.

Exactly.  Who are you?

The Overly Friendly Stranger - Unlike The Stranger, you might have an idea who they are based on the fact that you will have both commented on a mutual friend's status update or you will have "Liked" their comment a mere three minutes before receiving a Friend Request.  You will usually have more than one mutual friend, many of which will be unable to tell you anything about them other than they're also a friend of so-and-so and that is all they really know about them because they received a Friend Request from them when they both liked a picture of a cat.  These people often have hundreds of "Friends".

Instigators - They do exactly as the name implies.  They show up, reply to the comments on a status with thinly veiled insults, and disrespectful or utterly asinine comments just to see if they can stir up drama, many times referring to themselves as "The Devil's Advocate".

Instigators may also be someone who has a bone to pick with your mutual friend, and chooses to do so by making rude comments hinting at being done wrong or an apology owed.  Sometimes, Instigators will even go so far as to leave a lengthy rant of your mutual friend's transgressions on their wall where everyone can see it.  They are usually easily identified by comments that make you ask your mutual friend, "What the fuck?"

Serial Likers - They like every status.  They like every comment on every status.  They like every tagged photo.  They like every game achievement announcement.  They like the relationship status change.  They never comment, they miss nothing, and they like everything.

The Archaeologist - Usually the latest person trying to get in your mutual friend's knickers.  Most irritating behavior consists of flooding your newsfeed by "Liking" old photos and commenting with flirty drivel on every picture you also commented on...when it was taken two or more years before.  Also has a tendency to insert themselves into conversations on status updates posted three or more months before. 

Just Sayin... - They only show up to say something snarky that ends with "just sayin..." like they don't know that is the universally recognized phrase of douchebag Internet trolls everywhere.  Anyone who says that adding "just sayin..." to the end of a comment isn't a total dick move is lying to themselves because we all know what it really means.   

The Heckler - The person who looks you up on Facebook and other forms of social media and uses what they find listed about you publicly to undermine you or your position about any given subject which they disagree with you on. 

"Oh, you don't like Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches?  Maybe that is because you play Candy Crush!"

The Mouth Breather - I have a thing about mouth breathers.  Not EVERYONE who breathes through their mouth, but specifically those people you see standing there slack-jawed with their mouth open (may or may not be catching flies), with poor posture and a vacant look on their face who sometimes resemble a Lindsay Lohan mugshot.  They're usually the people who seem to have reading and comprehension problems because more often than not they post aggressive comments stating the EXACT SAME THING as the person they appear to be trying to argue with, or comments that you can't really tell what they're trying to say because you can't piece together the message between the poor spelling, lack of punctuation and clear evidence of the effect of Text Speak on America.  

"WTF u meen i shuld read a book your a looser butt you're rite about whut you said"

But let's be honest, the MOST irritating thing about our Friend's Friends on Facebook is that you get a glimpse of the people your friends associate with and no matter how hard you try you can't figure out how the hell you both came to be associated with the same person.  I've tried to ignore it, get over it and I've tried "not being such a bitch".  But damn, other people's friends on Facebook make me seriously grateful for my own because at least my tiresome Facebook friends are endearing. 

Do you  have any of these Facebook Friends of Friends, or is it just me?

P.S.  Super special thanks to Lisa R. Petty for her awesome post that helped to inspire this post.  You can find Lisa at Petty Thoughts


  1. The last paragraph... "Howwww do I share a mutual friend with that person???"

  2. OH. THE BLESSER. As a religious person, this even annoys me.

    1. And the thing is... it isn't about religion. I'm not offended by other's beliefs, but by people who push it on others especially in trying times.

  3. I know (well, not really, but I have SEEN) all of these FOFs! My grandma is my serial liker. Bless her little heart! <3 And I have one friend who likes to post controversial articles and I have seen ALL of those peeps on ONE status on her page! LOL And I seriously HATE those "friend requesters" ugh.... I DON'T KNOW YOU!

    1. I also have a friend with all of the above. He inspired this.

  4. I've seen them all, but the Great Defender is the one I'd like to punch in the throat!

  5. Excellent article. I absolutely love this website.
    Stick with it!