Sunday, December 21, 2014
My father died in 2001.
Today would have been his 58th birthday.
I wish I could say it gets easier, but it doesn't.
Every milestone, every tragedy, every celebration, every new lesson learned... I wish he was here.
I wish he was here to play with my nephew, and support my sister while she prepares to bring my nieces into the world.
I wish he was here to see the man my brother has become.
Sometimes, I wish he was here because he died before I feel like I really got to know him. A child only knows their parent as that... a parent. You don't see them as a person until you become your own person. I often wonder who he was.
I wonder what he would think of me. I wonder if he would be proud of me.
Sometimes, I wonder what I might be like if it weren't for his death.
Then I realize that while I sometimes long for his presence, at the time time... much of who and what I am was directly impacted by his death. And as terrible as it is, I'm grateful for it because I love who I am.
at 8:07 AM
Sunday, December 14, 2014
This week's prompt:
I'm really good at admitting my problems. Sometimes, I'm so good at admitting what is wrong with me that I take responsibility for things that aren't my fault because I'm usually more willing to accept that something that happened or went wrong was my fault instead of being someone else's fault, or just one of those "things that happen".
Even though I'm good at admitting things, I suck at actually changing them.
I'm not good at admitting when my feelings are hurt. I'd rather shut out the person who hurt them until I'm ready to try again. This usually doesn't work so well.
I admit that I occasionally pee in the shower. And for the record, no....I haven't had Athlete's Foot yet. I also believe that anyone who says they haven't tried it is a liar.
I admit that I see the glass as half full when I'm filling it, half empty when I'm emptying it. And when I just stumble on a glass that is only half full/empty, I wonder who the lazy fucker was that just left their glass there with something still in it.
I admit that I think the Internet is what is dumbing down America. Sometimes, I'm ashamed to feel like I'm a part of it.
I admit that today might have been a day where I should have just stayed in bed.
at 12:07 PM
Sunday, December 7, 2014
This week's prompt:
When I was younger, I often felt there were messages behind people's words, social cues that I just didn't know how to read. I didn't think I could read between the lines. I often wished people were readable like the books I spent so much time with my nose in as a child.
But in a strange way, things are starting to make sense in a way they never did before because I'm starting to believe that when people say things, the message "between the lines" is really everything I might ever need to know about who they are as opposed to what they might be saying about me.
I keep trying to be friends with my ex. Not this ex, but THIS ex. I keep trying to figure out what might have gone wrong when the truth is that he is a sociopath.
Yes. I went out for dinner with my ex the other night (as friends!), looked him in the face and told him he is a sociopath.
I'm so charming.
The more I think about it, I think about all the things he's said and done over the years and as much as I would like people to see me as I am and not how I may have been in the past the truth is that in many ways I am the same person. And when I think about the things he used to say, some of which he still does, he was telling me who he was the entire time.
I've come to realize that all of the things people have said that I took as some kind of sad thing, something that made me want to be a better person in their life was really a statement that should have told me something about THEM.
When we were younger, he used to tell me that you can't trust anyone. I heard: there is no one trustworthy in my life. I went above and beyond to be a rock, someone who could be counted on to be honest and reliable. Truth is... people who ARE something don't say it doesn't exist. If he was trustworthy, then he wouldn't say such a thing because he would know personally that people can be trusted.
That realization might have changed how I look at my entire world. The fact that I believe I can be trusted is why I believe people can be trusted. I don't expect everyone to be like me. I don't think I'm the best or I'm always right or I have all of the answers. But I think in a lot of ways... I try. I try to treat people the way I would like to be treated. I try to give people the benefit of doubt because when people act shitty I want to believe it is because there is a reason for it... the same way I want people to understand that most of the time when I act shitty it is for a reason.
I've spent so much time wondering what went wrong with him, why he said and did the not so great and nice things he has done in the past. I keep thinking there must be something that went wrong. But the truth is, he really just isn't a very good person. He isn't a good human bean (yes, BEAN) but I keep going back and trying to be his friend, be good to him, be kind and a friend because I am a good bean.
This often gets misinterpreted by people, especially men, who misinterpret the nice things I do as some kind of "red flag" that I'm trying to hone in for a relationship or something they don't want to give. And that makes me sad, because it tells me that when they do something similar it isn't to just be a good human bean...it might just be because they are trying to hone in for something.
I get burned in relationships, in friendships, in life... because I believe that people can be trusted, that people can change, that people deserve second chances. And I believe all of these things because I believe I can be trusted, can change, deserve second changes. I get burnt out sometimes and wind up hiding in my house and hating people because I feel like I'm wrong so often. But I think I should start learning how to take what people say and consider what the message is really saying about them before extending myself in a way that leaves me hanging when all I want is someone to treat me the way that I treat them.
at 10:24 AM
Friday, December 5, 2014
Welcome to another Friday Feats & Fails! It's been busy. Very busy. So let's talk about the week!
- My Sunday Confession was a day late. There were problems. It sucked.
- I have worked a ridiculous amount of overtime this week. Ok, not really... I've probably worked more hours in one week when I had two jobs, but I'm exhausted. I don't mind it because I love my office and the people I work with, but I did over 40 hours between Sunday-Thursday and I still have two days left. No one wants to work that much, I don't care what anyone says.
- Cyber Monday kicked my ass.
- I've eaten out at least 4 times this week. There was Pizza Hut, Texas Roadhouse, and Chinese food... and my boss bought everyone lunch one day! I need to get that under control.
- I've tried not to say anything in the interest of not airing dirty laundry and because I try not to be the person who keeps talking about their ups and downs of a relationship ALL THE TIME. But Bonehead is being a bonehead. I thought we'd fixed things between us, but the man needs a dose of "Act Right" because in my opinion he hasn't been. So that sucks, but it isn't what I feel bad about (and perhaps the fact that I don't feel bad ought to be a fail too). On Thanksgiving, someone asked me about him and I actually said he was one Indian who deserved smallpox for Thanksgiving. So... that is on my fail list. Not that fact that I said it about him, but because I said it. If that makes sense.
- The car wash made me look like an asshole. I went in for a simple wash, it kept telling me to drive forward then I overshot which caused the whole thing to shut down and flash red lights for like 8 minutes until an attendant finally appeared and reset the thing. So... I was the dumbass at the carwash holding up the line, looking like she was too stupid to use the thing.
- I have one thing ordered for Christmas. As someone working in online sales, you would think I would know better.
- I've gotten 7 hours of sleep since 7:00 am on Wednesday morning. I could not sleep Wednesday night. I got up for work at 7 am, went out for dinner at 7 pm and then watched a movie and got home sometime around 11:30 and I laid there until it was time to get up for work. I picked up donuts for my office, got to work and the person I work with who was supposed to work with me showed up 15 minutes late, then worked from 6 am until 7:20 pm. Got home late Thursday and didn't get to bed until 11:30-12, and was back up at 7 am this morning.
- I haven't done a damn thing around the house all week. As a matter of fact, I wore a thong that was a tad too tight for my entire 13.5 hour day at work yesterday. Can you say OUCH?
+ I have a job where I love being with the people I work with, and I am allowed to work overtime. There was a problem with the Internet at work and I am being allowed to work from home. That is pretty awesome. And my paycheck will be even more awesome.
+ Just because I'm upset about eating out this week doesn't mean I didn't really enjoy the bacon stuffed crust pizza, the steak, the giant margarita with the extra shot of Patron, and the Chinese food.
+ I don't know if you noticed, but today I get to work from home. That is awesome. Maybe I'll get my Christmas ordering done.
+ Sweaters on clearance. I can't find boots in my size to save my life and I really need them, but clearance sweaters I was able to make happen for a very good price. Like more than 60% off. While spending the money wasn't the most awesome thing, I DO need them.
+ My sister found out yesterday that she is expecting TWINS. I'm terrified for her because...well, that's sisterhood. Hell... I'm terrified for me because I can barely afford to spoil the nephew I've got the way that I do. I'm also very excited because I love babies and I am hopeful that the two new ones will love and adore me as much as my nephew does. He is also thrilled at the fact that he will be big brother to two instead of one.
So... I think that wraps it up. Lots of good things, couple of shitty things.... it is going to be an interesting rest of the year I think.
How about you?
at 11:19 AM
Monday, December 1, 2014
Power is so many things.
I believe that your mouth has power, that by saying something you are sending it out into the universe as something that could be. That the words you use create a ripple not only in the world, but on the person you use them to or about.
I believe in a higher power. What that higher power is I'm not sure, but what if "God" is really just a power? Not good or bad but just "power"? Are you using that power to propel yourself for good or evil? Is the agenda or goal you're promoting one that spreads positive ripples or negative ripples?
I believe that we all have power. Power to change the life of an animal, the life of a person, the condition of things and the way things stand. We have the power to choose how we are going to see and respond to any situation we encounter. Sometimes, we don't realize how much power we have. Sometimes we give away our power.
I believe that sometimes when you want to take power away from something, the best thing you can do is laugh at it. Someone once told me that if people had laughed at Hitler and kept laughing, World War II might not have ever happened. In many ways, I believe this could have been true. I know that in my own life, I am not really ok with something until I can laugh at it and while it might still hurt... I know if I can laugh at it, I can survive it somehow.
Consider your power. Consider the power you have, how it impacts others, how it impacts your world... are you using it wisely?
at 1:32 PM