Sunday, December 7, 2014

Sunday Confession: Read

This week's prompt:
READ

When I was younger, I often felt there were messages behind people's words, social cues that I just didn't know how to read.  I didn't think I could read between the lines.  I often wished people were readable like the books I spent so much time with my nose in as a child. 

But in a strange way, things are starting to make sense in a way they never did before because I'm starting to believe that when people say things, the message "between the lines" is really everything I might ever need to know about who they are as opposed to what they might be saying about me. 

I keep trying to be friends with my ex.  Not this ex, but THIS ex.  I keep trying to figure out what might have gone wrong when the truth is that he is a sociopath.  

Yes.  I went out for dinner with my ex the other night (as friends!), looked him in the face and told him he is a sociopath. 

I'm so charming.  

The more I think about it, I think about all the things he's said and done over the years and as much as I would like people to see me as I am and not how I may have been in the past the truth is that in many ways I am the same person.  And when I think about the things he used to say, some of which he still does, he was telling me who he was the entire time. 

I've come to realize that all of the things people have said that I took as some kind of sad thing, something that made me want to be a better person in their life was really a statement that should have told me something about THEM.

When we were younger, he used to tell me that you can't trust anyone.  I heard: there is no one trustworthy in my life.  I went above and beyond to be a rock, someone who could be counted on to be honest and reliable.  Truth is... people who ARE something don't say it doesn't exist.  If he was trustworthy, then he wouldn't say such a thing because he would know personally that people can be trusted.

That realization might have changed how I look at my entire world.  The fact that I believe I can be trusted is why I believe people can be trusted.  I don't expect everyone to be like me.  I don't think I'm the best or I'm always right or I have all of the answers.  But I think in a lot of ways... I try.  I try to treat people the way I would like to be treated.  I try to give people the benefit of doubt because when people act shitty I want to believe it is because there is a reason for it... the same way I want people to understand that most of the time when I act shitty it is for a reason. 

 I've spent so much time wondering what went wrong with him, why he said and did the not so great and nice things he has done in the past.  I keep thinking there must be something that went wrong.  But the truth is, he really just isn't a very good person.  He isn't a good human bean (yes, BEAN) but I keep going back and trying to be his friend, be good to him, be kind and a friend because I am a good bean.  

This often gets misinterpreted by people, especially men, who misinterpret the nice things I do as some kind of "red flag" that I'm trying to hone in for a relationship or something they don't want to give.  And that makes me sad, because it tells me that when they do something similar it isn't to just be a good human bean...it might just be because they are trying to hone in for something.

I get burned in relationships, in friendships, in life... because I believe that people can be trusted, that people can change, that people deserve second chances.  And I believe all of these things because I believe I can be trusted, can change, deserve second changes.  I get burnt out sometimes and wind up hiding in my house and hating people because I feel like I'm wrong so often.  But I think I should start learning how to take what people say and consider what the message is really saying about them before extending myself in a way that leaves me hanging when all I want is someone to treat me the way that I treat them.


8 comments:

  1. Wow Ash! That was amazingly awesome! Your affinity to personal growth is inspiring to be. Not only do you recognize your weaknesses, but you recognize your changes & celebrate them, it's truly one of your greatnesses. Thank you for bearing your soul to us once again, you give me the encouragement unknowingly, to look deeper within myself because you make it seem so easy!

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  2. "The fact that I believe I can be trusted is why I believe people can be trusted." --so much yes in that it makes me want to hug you. In this whole thing really. And I felt like high fiving you the whole way through.

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  3. I love your honesty, desire, and belief in your truth. I believe the same, my beloved Mama always taught me to love people even when they appeared unloving. I felt so much feeling and power in her words. I love your truth and believe no matter what happens it will set you free. Look at all the amazing things you do to connect us all each week. What you created and maintain in your online world is really the testament of your truth. Rock on Ash with all your awesomeness. 😃❤️

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  4. Im totally feeling everything about this right now. You hit the nail on the head, and spelled it out for me, this is so what I've needed to hear.

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