Friday, February 27, 2015
Let's get on with it then, shall we?
- Depression sucks.
- Mean people suck. And they've been everywhere this week. I might be a potty mouth and a sarcastic asshole... but I'm not a mean girl. At least I don't think so.
- Finally picked up my Fitbit and the battery off the floor where I hid them from myself... then didn't have the plastic piece to put it in and I couldn't find anything else to open it with.
+ I think I might be suffering from low Iron. I should probably get tested by my doctor or at the very least try and donate blood, but at the same time I know how low I am because I can look back at my food diaries from when I was keeping them consistently and see that my Iron intake was on average less than 40% of what it should be... for months. So I'm beefing up my vitamin regimen and I remembered to actually buy vitamins. So, yay for that.
+ I actually tried to get my Fitbit up and running. That counts for something, right?
+ I got to spend time with my nephew. He loves me. He mostly says nice things to me.
+ I paid bills. When I got done, I still had a big stack of unpaid bills but at least I was adult enough to pay some of them instead of curling up in the corner and crying a whole lot which is what I REALLY want to do.
at 7:00 AM
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Every few months I have a discussion with my mom about Facebook where I will tell her about something someone posted, or she'll ask if I've heard anything from so-and-so recently, sometimes I even tell her the terrible things I post on my page. Sometimes, I'll try and gently convince her that she should sign up for Facebook or at least get a page for her business.
The response is the same every single time. It's kind of like this:
Ok. My mom isn't that old and she shops online, but every time the topic of her and Facebook comes up the response is, "I don't want people to know all that stuff about me."
Um. What stuff, Mom?
And we have this conversation where I explain, again, that no one knows anything about you on Facebook unless you post it to Facebook. Then, I explain why Facebook can be a good thing including getting in touch with old friends and being aware of social events, not to mention it would be great free advertising for her business. I've even offered to run her page for her.
She's still managed to not join the world of social media.
Maybe it wouldn't bother me if I didn't feel like she was just using the same bullshit excuse in an attempt to annoy me because I've
I think there's something to be said for that. There are people in my life who I don't even try to connect with in real life anymore because they wouldn't look up from their damn phones at dinner or anywhere else.
Yes, I have a smart phone.
Yes, I have the world accessible to me at any moment.
But I don't think I'm that person who is so into their phone that they are unreachable in person.
That being said, that doesn't mean I don't sometimes wonder if I'm not too open.
When I wrote about my abusive relationship, my mom asked me if I really wanted to put that out there. At the time, I did. While I write the blog from a position of semi-anonymity and I don't share my picture (very often) or my writing is credit to Ashley from More Than Cheese and Beer and not me by my full name where it can be Googled... I still feel very exposed.
Week after week, I feel like I open a part of myself by sharing my innermost thoughts, my embarrassing moments, and the times in my life when I've felt weak, scared, stupid, strong, awesome... everything. I've talked about my issues from my abusive relationship to my pay with self harm. Sometimes, I get scared... is sharing so much of myself, being so open, eventually going to bite me in the ass?
at 10:02 AM
Sunday, February 15, 2015
I don't know that higher power's name.
I don't know which religion is really talking about the actual higher power. Maybe they're all referring to the same being and things got lost in translation between peoples and languages.
What I do know is that sometimes it feels like there is no way that we can't be a part of something bigger. Sometimes I think that higher power is honestly trying to pull a fast one. Some might call it Murphy's Law, some might call it how it is, but I think we've all have those moments. Its like every time you drop a piece of toast, the peanut butter is the side that lands on the floor. It's the way that when you're having a bad day and things are going so horrifically wrong, and then something happens that's so ridiculous and you just can't do anything else but stop and laugh the ridiculousness of life sometimes.
It's amazing to me, how just when I think I know what it is, how things are going to be, how things are supposed to be, or that I'm in control... Something happens. It's as if someone pulls the strings and says "No, you are not in control. You do not have all the answers. There is more going on than what you see."
I don't know who is pulling the strings, but I hope I'm on their good side.
at 9:57 AM
Friday, February 13, 2015
Last year, I wrote this post about pigeon mating and not liking Valentine's Day. Looking back, last year was so much easier than this year. When you're dealing with the loss of a relationship you're grateful to be out of, Valentine's Day is an OK thing not to celebrate. Last year, it was easy to be about self-love and trying to love myself the way Kanye loves Kanye because that is what I needed to be doing.
Fast forward to a year later. I've done a lot of healing. I've done a lot of introspection. The result? I'm spending another Valentine's Day alone and this year it actually hurts a little because I'm a little bit lonely and I can't help but wonder what it is about me that just isn't good enough to be able to celebrate the day of love with someone else.
There are a lot of people who seem to be just fine and it is just another day. Perhaps I should take a cue from them, but I've never really been that person so I'm going to spend my day doing what I have dubbed "Happy Little Hateful Things" to remind myself how great it is to not be in any of my past relationships while celebrating the joys of being alone. Here is how I plan to spend my Valentine's Day:
- Sleep in. Wake up
overjoyed not to be pressured for morning sexslowly to sunshine in my window and a cat on my chest kneading my face like a little creeper. Then spend 30 minutes snuggling fur babies and embracing how beautiful being a cat lady can be.
- Get coffee. If I'm feeling particularly motivated, I will have programmed the coffee maker the night before which will make me feel super fancy and pampered in the morning. I might make it an Irish coffee if the love on Facebook is already unbearable.
- Make breakfast. On the day of love when no one loves me, I somehow think heart-shaped chocolate chip pancakes and a plate of bacon I don't have to share is perfect.
- Do something productive with my day, because laundry never stops and the washing machine needs to feel needed to feel loved.
- Make myself something wonderful for dinner that not a single one of my exes would have wanted to eat...because fuck those fools for being picky, close minded, unexperimental turds who never appreciated my culinary genius.
- Drink wine.
- Take a long, hot shower and enjoy the feeling of getting to use all of the hot water without someone trying to join me (my ex ruined co-showering with farts) or having to give a shit about someone else needing a shower to wash their naughty fun parts before the requisite Valentine's Day Sexy Time.
- Put on the sexy nightie. Not too long ago, I dated a man with a satin fetish. It was admittedly kind of intriguing, and it's unfortunate he was such a jerk. I managed to snag myself a little satin robe and nightie set which he never got the pleasure of enjoying/seeing as it was a size or two too big. Unfortunately, I was too lazy to return it and now I'm the proud owner of a too big nightie. It's going to be my fat nightie...like fat pants, only not pants. I'm going to wear them because I deserve to feel pretty, and I'm almost positive he'll be spending his Valentine's Day doing something like playing Xbox or looking through his Pokemon cards and will be considerably less well fed, well dressed and less sexy. He was not a person worth putting pants on for.
- Movie time. Because nothing saying "Happy Valentine's Day" like watching a movie where someone completely loses their shit and starts killing people over rejection like "Swimfan" or a movie where a hatchet happy killer hacks up horny teens being "romantic" in true teenage form... and by that I mean by fucking in the woods.
- I will enjoy all the snacky snacks in bed, because I wouldn't kick myself out for eating crackers in bed. Except I'll be eating all of those really fragrant things like garlicky hummus, or Top the Tator (which is onion and chive potato chip dip for those of you not in Wisconsin) with potato chips. And chasing it down with chocolate because that is the thing to do on Valentine's Day.
- Drink more wine.
- If I get really rambunctious, I might shop for a new battery operated boyfriend because why not?
- My night will end when I pass out in bed smelling like red wine, chocolate, sour cream, onions and chives in a nightie that is a little too large but I'm too lazy to return. Hopefully have a sexy dream that isn't ruined by the object of my affection suddenly turned into Alec Baldwin. And no, it wasn't young and hot Alex Baldwin either.
But until that happens... you know what I'll be doing. I hope you find something just as satisfying to celebrate your day with.
at 4:13 PM
- I dreamt about work at least twice this week. I love my job, but I don't want to spend my sleepy time there.
- I ate veggies and thought I was going to die this week. Which is really just evidence of how poor my diet has been lately. Speaking of which... they had Ghiradelli chocolate on clearance at Walgreens this week. I bought 6. Yes, I'm ashamed.
- I've had a super hard time knowing what day it is all week.
- Valentine's Day is tomorrow. While it normally doesn't bother me and it really didn't last year because I could accept not being in a relationship after the breakup, this year... it just kind of hurts that I don't have someone in my life. Yes... I just said that. And I wish I had people I could go and do stuff with, like other single friends, but I really don't and so I'm just being a pouty bitch.
- I won a giveaway from a blog. She sent me an email in December asking for my address. I sent it. I still have yet to get the stuff from the company. That kind of sucks, especially because I really wanted it.
+ I bought something other than crap at the grocery store, so it counts for something.
+ I finally remember to buy oil for my car and went to the carwash. Since getting my new car, I've tried to go at least once a month. I skipped December.
+ Paneer. I got it super cheap and I think I will be having some kind of homemade paneer masala with jasmine rice and naan on Singles Awareness Day. I might be lonely, but I'm fucking eating well.
+ I remembered to buy stuff for some friends who I have been promising stuff for months. Now I just actually have to send it. (and I got boxes too. I'm getting there).
+ Birchbox this month was a win. Ipsy looks like it is going to be a win too. I'm excited even though I'm supposed to be getting rid of stuff.
Ok. That's my week. Short and sweet.
at 10:21 AM
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Look before you leap. Think before you speak.
I guess it goes without saying that I just suck at these things. Perhaps I just suck at being prepared, or doing things in the right order as the case may be. It seems I just keep finding myself in the same holes, like I never learn. But sometimes I wonder if this is just something that I'm never going to learn, or maybe I just have to learn it a hundred more times before I really figure it out.
at 3:14 AM
Friday, February 6, 2015
- I was an hour and a half late for work today. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. It worked out, and my boss was cool about it, but still. This isn't something that should happen.
- Speaking of work... I'm upset and don't want to deal with my personal life. I hate that I don't have overtime when I don't want to deal with my real life.
- I've struggled with my depression this week in horrible, horrible ways. I think I'm deficient in Vitamin D. I've suspected this for 4 days. Know what I've done about it? Nothing. It's as simple as taking the damn Vitamin D, and have I done it? Nope.
- I haven't even tried to replace the battery in my FitBit or tracking my calories.
- Shark Week. We're having complications with that whole process right now.
- Bonehead... still a Bonehead. I haven't answered any of his calls all week because it's honestly like, "Why bother?". The last time he called, I just got upset. For my mental health, I just can't deal with that right now.
- I haven't done anything to really take care of myself or my life this week. I've basically chosen to have a "this sucks" attitude about everyone and everything and that's honestly the biggest failure of all...the fact that this is how I've chosen to be able it.
+ I met someone cool. Like, really cool. Like... doesn't judge me for being shitty the way I've been all week. With my attitude, I'm being a pessimistic ass about it, but I can say that I met someone cool.
+ Work has been pleasant and relatively busy even if I can't stay there as much as I want.
That's it. That's all I have the energy for today. How was your week?
at 2:29 PM
Sunday, February 1, 2015
I love classic movies. Old Hollywood starlets with curled hair and beautiful red lips. "Gone with the Wind" is one of my favorite movies.
So little seems classic these days. Will someone long for these times and see them as classic in the future?
at 11:01 AM