Friday, February 13, 2015

How I'm Spending Singles Awareness Day

Valentine's Day.

Last year, I wrote this post about pigeon mating and not liking Valentine's Day.  Looking back, last year was so much easier than this year.  When you're dealing with the loss of a relationship you're grateful to be out of, Valentine's Day is an OK thing not to celebrate.  Last year, it was easy to be about self-love and trying to love myself the way Kanye loves Kanye because that is what I needed to be doing.

Fast forward to a year later.  I've done a lot of healing.  I've done a lot of introspection.  The result?  I'm spending another Valentine's Day alone and this year it actually hurts a little because I'm a little bit lonely and I can't help but wonder what it is about me that just isn't good enough to be able to celebrate the day of love with someone else.

There are a lot of people who seem to be just fine and it is just another day.  Perhaps I should take a cue from them, but I've never really been that person so I'm going to spend my day doing what I have dubbed "Happy Little Hateful Things" to remind myself how great it is to not be in any of my past relationships while celebrating the joys of being alone.   Here is how I plan to spend my Valentine's Day:
  • Sleep in.  Wake up overjoyed not to be pressured for morning sex slowly to sunshine in my window and a cat on my chest kneading my face like a little creeper.  Then spend 30 minutes snuggling fur babies and embracing how beautiful being a cat lady can be.
  • Get coffee.  If I'm feeling particularly motivated, I will have programmed the coffee maker the night before which will make me feel super fancy and pampered in the morning.  I might make it an Irish coffee if the love on Facebook is already unbearable.
  • Make breakfast.  On the day of love when no one loves me, I somehow think heart-shaped chocolate chip pancakes and a plate of bacon I don't have to share is perfect.
  • Do something productive with my day, because laundry never stops and the washing machine needs to feel needed to feel loved.
  • Make myself something wonderful for dinner that not a single one of my exes would have wanted to eat...because fuck those fools for being picky, close minded, unexperimental turds who never appreciated my culinary genius.
  • Drink wine.
  • Take a long, hot shower and enjoy the feeling of getting to use all of the hot water without someone trying to join me (my ex ruined co-showering with farts) or having to give a shit about someone else needing a shower to wash their naughty fun parts before the requisite Valentine's Day Sexy Time.
  • Put on the sexy nightie.  Not too long ago, I dated a man with a satin fetish.  It was admittedly kind of intriguing, and it's unfortunate he was such a jerk.  I managed to snag myself a little satin robe and nightie set which he never got the pleasure of enjoying/seeing as it was a size or two too big.  Unfortunately, I was too lazy to return it and now I'm the proud owner of a too big nightie.  It's going to be my fat fat pants, only not pants.  I'm going to wear them because I deserve to feel pretty, and I'm almost positive he'll be spending his Valentine's Day doing something like playing Xbox or looking through his Pokemon cards and will be considerably less well fed, well dressed and less sexy.  He was not a person worth putting pants on for.
  • Movie time.  Because nothing saying "Happy Valentine's Day" like watching a movie where someone completely loses their shit and starts killing people over rejection like "Swimfan" or a movie where a hatchet happy killer hacks up horny teens being "romantic" in true teenage form... and by that I mean by fucking in the woods. 
  • I will enjoy all the snacky snacks in bed, because I wouldn't kick myself out for eating crackers in bed.  Except I'll be eating all of those really fragrant things like garlicky hummus, or Top the Tator (which is onion and chive potato chip dip for those of you not in Wisconsin) with potato chips.  And chasing it down with chocolate because that is the thing to do on Valentine's Day.
  • Drink more wine. 
  • If I get really rambunctious, I might shop for a new battery operated boyfriend because why not?
  • My night will end when I pass out in bed smelling like red wine, chocolate, sour cream, onions and chives in a nightie that is a little too large but I'm too lazy to return.  Hopefully have a sexy dream that isn't ruined by the object of my affection suddenly turned into Alec Baldwin. And no, it wasn't young and hot Alex Baldwin either.
This is my plan and I'm ok with it.  Normally, I make it a point to enjoy a heart shaped pizza, but somehow I feel like I need to keep that as a low expectation for the next time I actually have a date on Valentine's Day.  Heart shaped pizzas make me deliriously happy and I think it's a small thing to ask of the kind of people I date who feel pressured to "do something" for me.  I'm a simple girl... all I want for Valentine's Day is a man to buy me heart shaped pizza and touch my butt.

But until that happens... you know what I'll be doing. I hope you find something just as satisfying to celebrate your day with.


  1. I love that you will spend the day pampering yourself. Any guy would be blessed to spend Valentines day with you. Single awareness day is a day for celebrating the amazing woman you are. Happy you rock Ash day. ❤️

  2. I'm alone for the 4th year in a row now. I just am over it. I am happy for everyone else, been there, done that, would do it again, it's fun BUT for now, it's all good. Enjoy all your goodies and yourself!! <3 <3 <3