Friday, March 13, 2015

Meet the Parents

In late January, I met Bonehead's mom for the first time.  We've known each other for eight years and he has never formally introduced us.  As much as I would like to blame Bonehead and bad manners for this, the truth is that I'm selfish about our time together and he enables my petulant, spoiled child-like behavior.

As an introvert with social anxiety disorder, I'm not very good at meeting new people.  As an adult with a potty mouth, a horrible sense of humor and Open Mouth Insert Foot disorder, I'm not very good at meeting parents.  I was already anxious, but then I remembered that he had told his mom about Brian the Foot Guy.

Have I mentioned that my own mother does not read my blog?  It's never been hidden from her, but I've also never encouraged or asked her to read it.  Hell, some days I'm surprised anyone reads it.  Having read my blog, I can't figure out what might possess him to tell his mom about my experience as a foot hooker, much less encourage her to read my blog.  Knowing that she might know that I'm a taco-farting pestitute with undergarment issues who has DIY steamed her vagina was not a super confidence booster.

When the actual day came, I wasn't that nervous in spite of the fact that it had potential to be a train-wreck.  It was nice to finally get to meet her.  A few days later, Bonehead asked me what I thought and I responded that I liked his mom and she's very nice.  I'm not really sure what kind of response he expected from me, but he kind of sounded disappointed like he yearned for me to wax-poetic about his family when the truth is that I was just glad it didn't top the worst "Meet the Parents" experience I ever had.

When I was 24, the boyfriend-that-was took me to meet his parents.  We'd been dating for about twenty days at that point, and I wish that is the most dysfunctional thing I could say about what occurred that night.  

Things started out normal with the standard get-to-know-you questions.  We had a relatively pleasant meal together and I helped his mom and sister clean up after dinner.  Things were going along quite well until after dinner when the adults gathered around the table to play cards.  At first, it was fun.  I sat next to him and watched, half amused and half horrified, as he sat at the table with his family and they proceeded to call each other names and drop f-bombs everywhere.  It was not uncommon for them to call each other assholes and whores before yelling "fuck off" and stomping out to the porch for a cigarette break and then resuming the game.  It was all fun and games until his sister made a snide remark about a pissing contest and that was truly the moment it all went to hell. 

There are just some people in life you would like to pretend don't have a sex life: anyone over a certain age, your parents, and Jonah Hill (not because I wouldn't hit that, but because I bet he cries afterwards).  I grew up in a household where you just assumed people had sex and no one felt it was necessary to talk about it.  His parents felt that people needed to know that they still did it regularly and they didn't care if everyone knew it.  What I wasn't prepared for were the details. 

Yes, the details.  Over the next hour, I would find myself included among the people who knew about the kind of things they enjoyed doing together, up to and including sex on a trampoline and the various times they'd gotten drunk and found themselves having to pee at the same time.  The most disturbing, however, was the story about the time they engaged in what can only be described as a pissing contest mid-coitus.

His dad won.  Apparently.

It was one of those moments in life where I prayed for Resting Bitch Face.  It was all I could do because when you're sitting at the table with your boyfriend's parents and they tell you a story about a sexual encounter turned competitive water-sports...there are just no words. 

If the horrid relationship I had with my ex didn't scar me for life, meeting his parents has definitely made an impact.  As much as I think Bonehead would have liked me to say something profound and complimentary about meeting his parents, I'm more than thrilled with the slightly awkward, and completely normal experience of meeting his mom.  Especially the part where she started telling me embarrassing childhood stories.  I hope she brings pictures next time.

What do you think is the "right" time to meet your significant other's parents? Do you have an awkward "meet the parents" story?


  1. I'm glad you had an uneventful meeting that was nice ❤

    No awkward meet the parent stories...but on blind date I did vomit on the guys lap during a movie.

    On Valentine's day.

    Because, well I needed that story to follow me around forever.

  2. I cannot believe you stayed during that conversation. I would have run from the house screaming and gauged my ears off.

  3. WOW!! After that first meeting I imagine all others would be considered a win!!!! My goodness!!!!

  4. You win on the worst meet the parents story ever. Yikes!

    Glad this one went well!

  5. Once when I dated a guy a couple years younger than me, the first thing his mom asked me ever was "why can't you find someone your own age?"

    Needless to say, that "relationship" didn't last long. I'm not good with parents at all, but I definitely don't deal with hostile ones. It's just not worth the effort. Also, my ex husband's dad asked me the first time I met him why I would want to fuck up my body with tattoos. Literally. I was supposed to know that was his way of "joking" even though I'd never met him. Fun times.