Thursday, June 1, 2017

Horoscopes by Hot Ash - June 2017


Have you ever noticed that Horoscopes are always overwhelmingly and unbelievably positive? It's hard to take something seriously when the people interpreting the cosmos keeping putting out these Horoscopes that say everything is rosy.  Life is bittersweet and your horoscope should be too.  

There's just one problem: I'm a writer, not an astrologist. So, I give you "Horoscopes by Hot Ash".  My translation of real horoscopes for people who live in the real world.  And if I'm wrong, well... just keep in mind that these horoscopes are for Entertainment purposes only and you should take advice from some random woman on the Internet with a grain of salt (with tequila and a lime too, if you have it).

April Showers bring May Flowers, but with June comes June Bugs.  Gross.  The truth is, June is going to be a little bit buggy too.  Emotions and energies are going to be flying around and irritating everyone this month - I wish I was kidding.  Here's your slightly snarky Horoscope for June. 


ARIES March 21–April 19
You're going to be needy and impulsive this month. That means if you're single or attached with residual feelings for your ex, consider losing their number. This is also not the time to get a pet. Self-care is going to be your best friend this month because demanding the love and attention you want from others never works out the way you hope. Don't rely on other people for your happiness or you'll never be satisfied.  Practice self-love literally by treating yourself like the Prince/Princess you are and consider having a menage a moi.



TAURUS April 20–May 20
Right now you need to be like your friends' underwear: always near them. Being around is important not only for you but for the health of your friendships so go out for dinner, get drinks or reinforce/create your ass groove on their couch.  Practice your active listening skills instead of "listening" to your friends while playing Candy Crush. And remember that you don't have to agree with your friends to support them. Speaking of underwear, buy some new undies this month.



GEMINI May 21–June 21
You need to handle your shit and not neglect your relationships, personal hygiene or responsibilities because you want to Netflix binge and indulge in your enjoyable but otherwise useless hobbies (I'm only saying they're useless because they don't pay the bills).  I know it's going to be hard because Orange is the New Black starts June 9th, but get your shit together and don't procrastinate or things are going to fall apart between the 12th and the 20th.  If you don't, you'll be busting your ass to fix shit at the end of the month.



CANCER June 22–July 22
Life changes should just come with wine and snacks, but they don't so you should pick some up to have on hand.  June is going to be a time of introspection and to make the most of it you're going to need to quit bullshitting yourself because the only time you're wasting is your own. Be honest and figure out what is and isn't working for you in your life. There is going to be some drama, but don't make things worse by taking your frustration out on everyone. It's time to put your big girl panties on and deal with the energy vampires in your life this month.



LEO July 23–August 22 
Standing up for yourself when someone doesn't do right by you is easy, it's another thing to learn to enforce personal boundaries with the people you care about. You don't need to play games or beat around the bush, just be honest and direct about what you need. Being a good person doesn't mean you have to be a doormat or put up with other people's crap all the time. Pay attention to when people respond like assholes to the boundaries you set - they're telling you something.  Keep working on being the best version of yourself.



VIRGO August 23–September 22
It's a fine line between intuition and paranoia and in the days leading up to this month's full moon you're going to have quite a bit of both. Ick. The trick to surviving the whirlwind is to focus on staying calm enough to look at things rationally (so maybe lay off the caffeine a little).  You should reach out to the people you love most for perspective. Family, whether its the kind you're born to or the kind you choose, will be crucial in helping you pull your head out of your ass if you get lost in your own thoughts.



LIBRA September 23–October 22
Truth can be subjective.  Remember that this month or you're going drive yourself bat-shit crazy trying to get everyone to see it your way. You have a right to your own experiences and feelings, but you aren't going to get anywhere by trying to force people into agreeing with you for validation. It's also a huge waste of your time.  Be willing to compromise with your friends.  Anxiety is going to be a bitch this month, so try to challenge yourself to do at least one thing outside of your comfort zone. 



SCORPIO October 23–November 21
The other signs are dealing with some intense stuff right now, but what is coming up for you isn't anything you haven't dealt with before. Keep letting go of people and things that don't contribute to your best life.  What other people are or aren't doing is none of your business; Focus on your own shit because you need to stay down like four flat tires and keep handling your life the way you have been. Own your feelings. You're going to have to make some decisions this month you aren't going to like, but you're smart and strong enough to make the right choices even if they aren't ideal.



SAGITTARIUS November 22–December 21
Make yourself available because you're going to meet some new people this month that are going to be important in the future. New relationships and new people can be intimidating, but you can't win if you don't play.  I'm not saying you should give people from Craigslist your home address, but if you meet someone new and awesome you should give them a chance to make an impression.  Singles might find themselves catching the feels, don't be afraid to open your heart up.  If you're a part of a couple, you might meet new people to have game night with- a real game night, not the kind where everyone throws their keys in a fishbowl.



CAPRICORN December 22–January 19 
Your sign isn't normally selfish, but you need to be a little selfish this month. Taking care of yourself, your issues and your well-being needs to come first right now and it's really important that you don't forget to do things for yourself the way you do them for other people.  If you don't take time to take care of yourself and work on your personal issues, it's going to be like putting makeup on a zit: the problem will still be waiting for you when you look in the mirror after you take a shower.



AQUARIUS January 20–February 18
"The things we dislike most in others are the characteristics we like leave in ourselves"; People are going to drive you crazy this month because what they do and how they do it is going to be very grating, you should try to have patience and learn about yourself from your irritation.  It's going to be a real shitty time to go on a first date, so maybe turn off your online dating profile but be open to the idea of meeting someone randomly. Perfect is boring, look for imperfections and try to find the beauty in them... if you struggle with this, try making homemade cupcakes. 



PISCES February 19–March 20
You know when you go to a buffet and you see someone balancing a huge plate of food and they keep pouring and piling shit on top of it instead of grabbing another plate or making a second trip?  That's you right now.  Everything might feel like it's really important, but you need to find a way to prioritize.  Don't pull away from the people you love.,  If you need help right now... tell people what you need, accept what people offer you, be grateful and receptive for the things that the people who care about you want to give you.






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