Sunday, June 4, 2017

Plus One

 I have a problem with ex sex.  

There's no real polite way to say it.  You just have to kind of do it quick, like ripping off a bandaid and accept the personal shame you feel after it. 

Just to clarify though... it isn't every ex.  It isn't like you see in the movies; We don't break up, run into each other a few months later, decide to have coffee and things end with a "bang".  It isn't a situation where one drunk dials the other.  It isn't a situation where one ex keeps calling the still-emotionally-invested-ex to do the Humpty Dance. 

It's one ex.  

I don't know if that makes it better or worse.  He was my first love.  He broke my heart.  He isn't someone I want to be in a relationship with and hasn't been since I was nineteen. He's like a relationship shark and can sense even a drop of break-up in the air. Any time I've even considered ending my current relationship, he contacts me out of the blue as if he is being summoned.  Obviously, I've misunderstood that whole "to get over someone, you have to get under someone new" thing. 

 My significant other and I were having a discussion about people who seem to can't be alone the other day.  People who can't be single for even a few months.  People who date awful people and put up with terrible things for years.  People who complain about how miserable they are in their relationship, but put on a heavy layer of "Everything is Perfect!" posts on Facebook complete with photos of everything they do, eat, or buy with the person they're miserable with.  People who literally can't live alone because they can't support themselves.  People who pretend they live alone, but have people staying with them or stay with someone else all the time. 

Do I sound judgemental?  I don't mean to.  I struggle to understand it though.  There have been periods of time where I've been single for years.  I've never stayed in a bad relationship because I didn't think I couldn't or wouldn't find someone else. I've never relied on another person to pay even their half of the bills, much less mine. The only person in the world I've ever been fully dependent on is my mom.  Towards the end of my relationship with my narcissistic abuser, I realized that I would rather be alone and lonely than with someone who made me miserable and lonely. 

The discussion, however, made me think of my ex: my once first love, now 30-something fuck-boy.  It's been years since we were "together", but he was the reason someone once accused me of not being able to be alone.  I was a mess after my relationship with my narcissistic abusive ex ended.  I felt safer in my tiny, one-bedroom apartment with the deadbolt locked than I did out in public.  After months and months of sitting in my house alone every night, I started going out again.  Eventually, I took comfort in the familiarity of someone I'd spent years of my life with, someone I once thought I was going to marry.  

It was during this time that one of the few friends who had survived my relationship with a narcissistic abuser with me told me that she didn't think I could be alone.  We'd known each other since we were fifteen, but we hadn't ever been close.  We'd gotten closer during my relationship with my ex, but she had nothing to base her statement on and she was wrong. 

The truth is... I don't have a problem being alone.  Just the opposite, in fact.   

I'm good at being alone.  Single.  One.  It's being a Plus One that I struggle with. 

I have no idea how to be in a relationship.  I don't know how things are supposed to progress, change and grow.  I'm clueless.  The longest relationship I was ever in was with a narcissistic abuser.  I guess you could say I know how to let someone treat me like dirt for an extended period of time, but that isn't a relationship.  

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