Showing posts with label Online Dating: I Just Don't Get It. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Online Dating: I Just Don't Get It. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Online Dating: Signs It Is About To Get Weird

There are so many different kinds of weirdos. At one point, I wasn't ready to date again.  When I was ready, I could not get over some of the things I've seen on the Profiles of people looking for love online, especially the things that people are open about that perhaps should be left behind closed doors. I even stumbled on my ex's online dating profile once. There are so many kinds of weird messages you can get, but what are the warning signs that your online conversation is about to get weird?

I seem to attract men who start out normal. It begins as seemingly normal small talk that leads to creepy confessions (usually about sexual fetishes) before I ever even get to know their name.  I began noticing that there are usually signs that things are about to get weird or that someone has some particular tastes, so... here are some of the warning signs things are about to be weird:

You Smoke, He Doesn't.  I'm not saying smokers and non-smokers can't mingle. I was a smoker and I've dated non-smokers for many years without problems (believe it or not), but most of my non-smoking beaus merely tolerated it. I'm sure there are men who genuinely do not care, but I haven't encountered one. In my experience a man who eeks out a smoker either thinks he can get her to quit or is into watching women smoke.  My last encounter online with a man who was into smoking women asked me a lot of questions. How long did I smoke? What did I smoke? If I had quit, did I ever have one occasionally? At first, I thought he wanted to try and talk to me about quitting, but eventually admitting to me that he thought watching a woman smoke was one of the sexiest things ever.  

You're so hot.  Compliments and adoration are always appreciated.  But if that's all he has to say to you the messages are going to taper off.  He'll either run out of things to say and stop messaging you or they're going to gradually get more sexual. One day out of the blue he'll say something super inappropriate.  The inappropriate message will come right after he asked you a nice normal question about your job or hobbies.  You'll be writing a thoughtful response about living alone with your cat and how much you like to Modge Podge (or macrame) and then you'll send the message. You'll be thinking that he might really be a cool guy because he's always complimenting you and asked about your hobbies. Then you'll get the message he sent. In the four minutes it took you to respond, he will have worked himself into a lather over your "hotness". Then you'll get a message about how much he wants to "modge podge" on your face. 

Do you like to swim?  Once upon a time, I worked for a very popular mail-order bedding company taking orders over the phone.  It was not unusual to get creepy phone calls from time to time, but the call center had a frequent caller who liked to call and pretend to start an order with a fake name and address, and would then start asking the representative on the phone questions like "Do you like to swim?".  He would do this with adult entertainment playing in the background which would progressively get louder.  Every once in awhile, I'll get a message from a man on a dating site and it will start with the usual "Hey", "How are you?" and "What do you like to do?".  He'll answer the same questions in return, but then all of a sudden he'll ask about a hobby that I don't mention on my profile.  There is nothing wrong with that by itself especially if he is trying to see if we have any mutual interests, but in my experience it usually leads to something more.  The one I encounter most is "Do you like to swim?".  The most recent guy, when I replied "Not Really", responded with "Seriously?" and then I never heard from him again.  

Truth or Dare?  When I was in middle school, it was a thing for the "cool" kids to get together and play Truth or Dare.  Let's be honest, it was my generation's version of Spin the Bottle. Once you hit middle school it isn't a fun game anymore so much as it is the beginning of sexual exploration and/or utter humiliation in front of your peer group. Granted, most people were still in the kissing stage and maybe some light over-the-clothes radio-tuning boob grabbing (Tune in Tokyo!) but I know many people who experienced their first kiss or streaked for the first time as a result of playing Truth or Dare with that particular group of people.  I was only invited to attend a few times, but never actually went. Sadly, there are still men who use this "Truth or Dare?" tactic on Online Dating sites. The goal appears to be to learn intimate details without actually having to invest time, energy, money or genuine effort in getting to know someone. It is a quick thrill approach which only really gets a response from people who respond to being dared to do things, not measure or determine someone's true character or intent.  It weeds out women who are impulsive or interested in casual sex. If you're looking for casual it's great, but if you aren't and you respond to this you can count on it going bad fast.  The first time a guy sent me a message asking me "Truth or Dare?" I thought it was refreshing and decided to play along while being reasonably sure it would go South fast.  I chose "Truth" because only a moron says "Dare" right off the bat.  His first question was "Do you like to kiss?"  Pretty harmless I guess, but from there it goes downhill because there is no other way to go.

He wants to "be honest".  If a man on an online dating site asks if he can be honest with you, brace yourself.  There is usually some kind of personal "issue" bomb or explicit comment headed your way. 

He goes Buffalo Bill. I seem to attract guys who quote Silence of the Lambs". One time, a man told me that he liked Big Beautiful Women (BBW) because "you can be rough with them and they have soft skin that jiggles when they walk".  I'm clearly "All about That Bass" and I must look like some kind of edible deliciousness but there is something incredibly creepy about having a man you don't know make comments about your skin. I do have soft skin.  I also work hard to have soft feet. It's still  creepy when someone I've never met starts making comments about the texture of my skin or about eating me. My ideal skin compliment is "Oh Baby, you have such a soft looking, smooth, wrinkle and acne-free face" (on the rare occasion that is actually the case).  But when they start making typos and the word "skinless" comes up it is just best to walk away before it leads to asking if you want company. You don't. Not from this guy anyway. 

Sometimes it pays to be a Judgy McJudgypants. Yes, I totally just said that. If he is "looking for someone open-minded" OR mentions wanting someone "nonjudgmental", start mentally preparing yourself.  This is the number one way to tell it is about to get weird.  I've come to believe that online dating sites are a hotbed for men with fetishes.  Most fetishes don't bother me, I believe we all just want someone to love and accept us.  When it comes to online dating, expect to encounter many people who feel self-conscious or insecure about their fetish (most being rather tame and common in nature) and are lonely. In fact, most of the aforementioned clues to weirdness are (obviously) really about fetishes.

If you're interested in hearing what he is going to say and seeing what he is into, then by all means ask him what exactly he means by nonjudgmental.  I find that taking the direct approach will get you the most straightforward answer every time because they don't expect it.  Pro-tip: I highly recommend going somewhere where your reaction to his answer will not be seen or heard by others, especially if he says both open-minded and nonjudgmental.

I've encountered two men who were looking for someone who was both open-minded and nonjudgmental. One was openly into feet, which doesn't bother me so much.  What DID bother me was when he started telling me that he was actually into trampling. If you don't know, trampling is a specialized kind of foot fetish which can involve stepping, walking, and stomping on the person. He wanted me Snausage Stomp him. Then he told me he wanted to watch me step on fish while wearing flip flops. That was the end of our conversation. I don't believe in harming or involving animals, reptiles, bugs or fish in my sexual exploits. Ever.

The other "gentleman" said he was looking for someone open-minded and when I asked what that meant he said his interest was non-sexual, but he wanted me to think about all the men who had ever hurt me before and then kick him "in the balls" until he fell over. Then he wanted me to describe how I would step on him.  Our conversation ended there but in hindsight perhaps I should have gotten his number...

Overall, the lesson I've taken away from online dating that I've come here to share with you is that things are rarely as innocent as they seem.  I honestly believe in online dating and that there are people out there who are normal, functional, and interested in a relationship but might have a hard time meeting people in person or are shy.  Maybe I'm more of an optimist than I realize, but I think it is important to be wary and expect that a good portion of the interactions you have are going to get weird even when they start out in a seemingly normal manner because sometimes you have to kiss more than a few frogs before you find a prince.

What signs have you noticed that things are about to get weird when having a conversation with someone on an online dating site?

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Online Dating: Douche Bags say What?!?!

If there is anything I've learned, it's that if the profiles don't kill you... the first message will.  Most people know about my incredible partnership with Jenniy from Climaxed and our joint project: DoucheArt.  And if you're a fan of the site... you know we get douchey messages ALL the time.  Believe it or not, many of the messages we receive are the first messages the people who send them to us ever send.  But there is so much more to crappy messages on Online Dating Sites, they aren't all douchey but that doesn't make them good either.

Neverending Pleasantries.  I love men with manners.  But for some reason, I have a couple of men on dating websites who just continue to make small talk with me... it usually consists of "How are you?",  "How is your day?" followed by a compliment, and then stop replying to me.  I can ask questions, I can attempt to start a dialogue and just don't get a response.  They just never reply and in two weeks start over with "Hi" and "How is your day?"

The Douchey Sext Message.  I've noticed that Jenniy tends to get more douchey initial messages than I do whereas I tend to get more of the kind of messages that start out reasonably normal but go bad before I really know what the hell is going on.  We've both gotten awful, predatory, unsolicited sexts and DoucheArt is proof of that, but what usually makes them even worse is when we look at the profiles.

Some of the messages we get will make your skin crawl, but very few things make me want to crawl out of my skin like an insect shedding an exoskeleton quite like getting a predatory, vile message only to look at the profile and see the man exclaiming, "I'm a father to the World's Most Beautiful 5 year old girl", or even worse... see pictures of him holding his two kids.  Or for example, this DoucheArt post from Jenniy about a man with the username "OrgasmDaddy" whose profile was all about his kids but his first message was downright icky.

Photo from

The Great Insulter.  They are by far one of my favorite types of messages.  I know that sounds strange, but after having been in a 3 year relationship with a narcissist I didn't see coming until I was already emotionally invested it is kind of refreshing to have someone show you their ass right off the bat.  And it is funny for me... because every time it happens, I want to ask them, "Did you not realize how insulting that was before you sent it, or do you literally expect me to respond to that favorably?"  Sometimes I wonder if it is some of that Pick Up Artist negging crap, and I don't understand why anyone feels that is appropriate in an online forum much less in real life.  But what it comes down to is, I want to be with someone who thinks I'm wonderful and wants to build a relationship with me and by "taking me down a peg" or criticizing me... I immediately know that the person who said it to me doesn't want to respect me, build me up, or work towards success with me because someone who does wouldn't feel the need to try and bring me to a level where they felt they could approach me.  That's just kind of sick and stupid.

I'm not even sure I want to bring up the guy who assumed that not answering him in the middle of the night meant that I must be "picky", as if I don't have a right to be picky about choosing someone to date (you can see that DoucheArt post here).

Conversation Cock-blocking.  I run into this situation more than I care to admit.  I personally do not think I'm hard to talk to.  I ask questions.  I respond to messages in ways that allow further conversation.  That being said, it is incredibly irritating to me when someone sends me a message that I in no way can respond to.  What REALLY irritates me is when they keep messaging me to have these conversations that just drop off over and over again.  Are these guys really douche bags? Not necessarily, but when you read the profiles and they are cutting down the website and talking about how hard it is to find someone, it's hard not to tell them that it isn't what they're saying, so much as how they're saying it.  They don't leave any room for a woman to respond.

This was originally shared on DoucheArt, click the picture to read the original post

"Am good"?  I just couldn't bring myself to answer him in a way that would encourage further communication.  That, however, didn't stop him from asking me if I wanted to text him in his next message. *Facepalm*

The Little Engine That Could.  As time has gone on... I quit returning messages to anyone who messaged me, but for a long time everyone who sent me a message got a response (more on that later).  I'm willing to admit that I might be a little sensitive to certain behaviors, but when I get a SECOND message from someone before I even had time to respond to their previous message (or even receive it)... I am extra cautious.  I'm not talking about people who message me again because they wanted to say something extra, I'm talking about the guy who messaged me three times in 2-4 hour intervals in one day and has messaged me every couple of days since then.

He must be saying, "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can... get her to answer!" (he's messaged me "Hi" twice since I took this screen shot on Saturday)

The Horny Novelist.  Every once in awhile, I will get a huge long first message.  Not like... full of personalized compliments and totally interesting kind of long either.  They're really more like swipe, swipe,  swipe, play Words with Friends, check Facebook, forgot if you read this screen and swipe without reading, answer phone call from my mom that lasts 20 minutes and I have no idea what she wanted in the first place when I hang up, "wait- did I read this already?", swipe, skim to the end.  What are they about?  Honestly, they're so fucking long that I couldn't even really tell you though what I do read is usually fairly well written (spelling and grammar).  There is a smattering about hobbies in there, but messages like these usually come from pseudo intellectuals self-described scholars or college guys/undergraduates wearing houndstooth and "nerd glasses" (and if you're really lucky, they'll throw in a bow-tie) and bullshitters philosophers who want to talk about the meaning of life and share with you what I can only assume is their Mission Statement.  It comes off as being really deep and and genuine and it can be really tempting to take a guy who sends you such a long introspective message seriously... if you haven't encountered it before.

If only they looked this good.  Mmm... I love you J.T. 

I admit... dudes who kind of remind me of Kevin Smith win brownie points

Unfortunately, while the guy just might be geektastically sexy, when he seems barely capable of making general conversation and after maybe four messages asks you if you want to "meet up for some fun" it's just kind of a turn off.  Because WHY?  Why write such a long, seemingly thought out message that you send to women with the expectation that they actually read it if you're just going to proposition them for sex?  Seriously?

But you can normally tell these guys by the pretentious bullshit in their profile.  They'll go on and on about being a "liver" of life, but won't actually ever say what they hell it is they're literally doing.  Then, in the section that asks about movies... they'll say something like, "One should not need interests in media to seem interesting, we are human beings, we are plenty interesting by ourselves."  But what they really mean is, "why watch tv when we can fuck?"

Call Me, maybe.  He'll have virtually no information on his profile, and will send you one, maybe two messages before asking you to text him... complete with his phone number.  One of these days, I'm going to find something really interesting to do with those phone numbers.  Maybe write them on dollar bills "for a good time"?

Maybe I'm just hung up on a bad experience, but I chatted with a guy for over a week one time before giving him my number... what happened next was unbelievable.  We had been texting for a few days... next thing I know, he sends me a video of him jerkin' the gherkin.  Then he wanted to meet up.  When I declined, I got text after text about how he had just fucked some chick, was going to shower and go fuck another one and then maybe meet up with a third.  I quit answering and the next day he texted me like nothing happened.  When I asked him to lose my number, he said fine and then continued to randomly text me for 6 months!

And that is why I don't give out my number to strange guys on online dating sites.

Face Time.  Some women have a problem with online dating because it seems like they don't actually get asked out; I have the opposite problem and I get asked out regularly without actually knowing anything about the person.  I realize that there needs to be some kind attraction outside of a few pictures, but I just can't bring myself to meet a guy after one message, especially if his profile has zero information on it.  The whole point of online dating is to have access to many single people that you can chat with and see if you're even remotely interested's one of the great and wonderful things about online dating: you don't have to spend your time getting ready to go pay for your own drink, meet someone you don't really like and then find a way to get away from them.  It's just not safe or smart to just agree to meet someone after one message.  Maybe I'm a dummy, I just don't want to end up in a hole with someone standing over me telling me to put the lotion on the skin so he can wear my stomach as a meat dress after he starves me for awhile and clobbers me over the noggin.  I live in frickin's a very legitimate fear.

Also.... this song

The Guy that makes you ask WHY?!?  I recently got a message from a man and I could not for the life of me figure out why he messaged me.  The profile was just too long for me to include it here, but I'll just share the highlights with you:

  • "I would like to say that my profile is not in any way intended to control any woman as some ladies here think it is. I am a fully grown man and I know what I want in life and certainly know what I want in a woman." 
  • "First of all I have very strong passion for my faith and believes [sic]. I am a Christian and I can not[sic] imagine a perfect life without God and I am looking for someone who has strong religious background as well, preferably a Christian." 
  • "I have instruments that I practice everyday, gospel,smooth jazz,classical and reggae music are my favorite.
  • "I don't know how to cook but I always try to get in the kitchen to do something. I am single so why not.. lol. :)." 
  • "I like to run and ride my bicycle it constantly keeps me in good shape." 
  •  "I am not here looking for multiple women to sleep with. I am not desperate for a woman, though it would be nice to have a life partner. I am too much of a decent guy for that. Its not safe at all to be sleeping with many people. (STAYING 100% CLEAN IS A MUST )...I don't like a cheater so if its all about sex but no commitment or nothing serious then forget about talking to me." 
  • "I am also very sensitive to derogatory terms such as "f*** you" or "f**king" (simply put i do not like cussing, if you can't say it on TV then its NOT allowed ), and under no circumstance will i tolerate any insults from any woman it doesn't matter how mad she may be, insults only add flames to already heated conversations and its not a good way to achieve a positive results in a relationship. I believe there is a much better ways to resolve issues as loving couple. I don't want a woman to constantly cuss at their own kids.. its not a good way to raise a child and i do not want my future kids to learn insults from their parents or anybody else. I don't like a woman who calls herself a b**** and acts like one either.... I have met women in the past who always did all of the above and i don't see myself dating a woman like that. A woman should always respect herself first." 
  • "I don't like going to the bar or the club, I don't smoke or drink and I prefer a woman who doesn't smoke or drink or go to the bar or club" 
Ok, so maybe I'm being an asshole.  But this guy actually messaged me.  Seriously.  I say "shit" in my profile.  My username has the name of one of my favorite liquors in it and I specifically say I like wine and having drinks.  I do not mention religion in my profile AT ALL, I think anyone who is so passionate about their faith would look for someone who feels the same in a way that they put it on their public profile.  Running... just NO.  His weird little paragraph about staying clean made my skin feel creepy crawly.  And no derogatory terms? FUCK THAT.

Long story short, he messaged me and asked how I was for a two days, and then I asked why he messaged me and he asked if I wanted to date.  I told him based on his profile I couldn't figure out why he would ever message me in a million years... he responded by asking me what was wrong with my profile.  When I told him I seemed to be the opposite of what he was looking for, he still kept messaging me asking me what was opposite, then started grilling me as to whether or not I was a part of any religion, and when I said I believe in a higher power, he asked me the name.  I mean really... I'm sorry, but what the fuck?  If you're going to have a specific profile and want specific things, you should look for people who meet what you're looking for.  When you just message anyone, it makes you either full of shit or the kind of person who is going to try and force someone to be what you want them to be.  Either way... not awesome. 

I have to stop here.  I could keep going.  We could talk about the Text Speak guy, Typo guy, the guy who is bored, the guy who messages you a single greeting and never replies, the guy who says hi and then asks you to sit on his face... it is never ending.  What happened to a nice greeting, maybe a compliment, and then an actual conversation?  Ugh.  I'm starting to miss cheesy ass pick-up lines in bars.

What is the worst pick-up line anyone has ever used on you?

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Online Dating: Your Ex's Profile.

When it comes to online dating, it is inevitable that at some point you're going to encounter the profile of someone you know and every time it happens to me I feel awkward about it.  I won't deny that I've looked, especially if I had been interested in the person at one point or another but for the most part I tend to leave those profiles alone because it feels like looking into someone's medicine cabinet... peering into a corner of themselves they didn't actually invite you into, totally intrusive and a touch rude.  

But... what if it is your ex?

Recently during a conversation among friends, the discussion of exes on dating sites came up.  I chose to share my Claim to Shame: the link to my latest ex's online dating profile that I had stumbled across while browsing profiles in my area.  Then I made the most rookie mistake ever, and I clicked on the link to his profile while I was logged in on other screen.  Anyone who uses the site knows...once you look at a profile, the user can see that you viewed them.  It took him ten days to notice before sending me a message which I turned into DoucheArt.  

The 75 "Likes" and 16 comments told me that I clearly wasn't the first person to have ever made this mistake. So... that was comforting.

It is socially accepted and expected that when it comes to your online dating profile, you should put your best foot forward when looking to meet someone for dating and partnership.  Though, if you saw my post on Dating Profiles it would seem I'm the only person who thinks this or lots of people didn't get the memo, including my ex who decided the best profile picture would be of him looking like he'd been up all night on a bender and wearing his work uniform.  

If there is anything I've learned so far, it is that sometimes you just have to laugh.  And when I came across my ex's profile I could do nothing but, especially when I noticed that one of the few things he was actually honest about on his profile was something he LIED about during our entire relationship... and, oddly enough, it was the one thing men lie about most often on dating sites: Height.  How screwed up is that?

"I Am a single father who loves life. I Am very easy going person who enjoys sitting at home watching a movie over going out drinking. I live to fish and own my own boat. I am looking for someone who likes some of the same things as me so we can do something we both enjoy. I like plays and opera...a couple Ihave seen in person are Rent, Cinderella, and my favorite seen at the Cadillac Palace in Chicago IL. The Phantom of the Opera. If your a Fun woman who would like to hang out and maybe go to a movie hit me up. though I do work a lot and have my daughter every other weekend I will still make tone for fun"

From his declaration of being a "single father" (Yes, he helped create a child and he is single.  But he is not a "single father" in a way that means doing anything to contribute to the growth and development of his child outside of paying child support and picking her up for "visitation" which is basically picking her up from her mother's then proceeding to ignore her and leave her to other people to raise while he plays computer games) to his claim of having his own boat (true, what is being omitted is how much screaming he'll do at you while getting the boat into the water and how it stalls at least twice every time resulting in more screaming) he fudged his way through the entire thing.  He also claims to like plays and opera, though we never went to a single one in our entire relationship because we couldn't go out in public without him making a spectacle of himself in one way or another which may or may not include inappropriate volume or language, piss-poor manners, or issues like sound or smell related to bodily functions.  Bragging about having seen a performance is about as close as he gets to culture.

And that "looking for someone who likes some of the same things as me so we can do something we both enjoy" part could mean a lot of things, but just to clarify: this does not apply to your sex life as eventually he will only want to engage in sexual activities solely enjoyable to him and fall asleep shortly after without reciprocation, and will not be doing anything special or beneficial for you the next night to make up for it, or the night after that, or the night after that.  And he damn sure doesn't want to do anything mutually beneficial or do things in a way that make things mutually beneficial.  If you decide to not engage, you'll be chastised for the lack of activity after which he'll still expect you to initiate the one-way sex and smile about it. (And if you need to know the problems with sexual frustration, read this piece from Megsanity).

Of course he's entitled to present himself in any way he wants, just like I am.  I'm sure if you asked him he would have plenty to say about my profile and the things he believes I left off of it like the fact that he believes I'm a tree thief, all the bitching and nagging I did at him to pick up the garbage he left on the floor when he missed the can every single time (much like the way he couldn't ever manage to hit the bowl) and take the garbage out (his only household chore).  I'm sure he'll tell you how I'm a "cold hearted [sic] calculated waste of space" for not responding to emotionally manipulative tactics at getting back into my life.  He might even tell you that I kept his things which therefore makes me "a hooker and a prostitute", which he told me I was in his last message to me sent two and a half months after I asked for a list of items he believed were owed to him so that I may present it to my lawyer, which he never provided.

Me... Every. Time.

His message to me when he noticed I had looked at his profile was simple: Why are you looking at my profile?  And the answer is easy... because I fucking can, it is a free country, and because I'm trying to figure out why I was ever attracted to you and I wondered if maybe seeing you trying to present yourself as someone attractive might help assuage some of my feelings of self-loathing for being in a relationship with you for so long, as if maybe when you're trying I could see a glimmer of something that might have attracted me to you in the first place and I wouldn't feel like such a fucking idiot.

The moral of the story is... just don't click it.  Don't look at that profile and it wont lead you to making  rookie mistakes when making fun of your ex.  There isn't a whole lot of good that can come from reading your ex's profile.  You might get some laughter out of it, but if you're hoping to see one even remotely attractive thing about them that will make your attraction in the past seem reasonable... you'll fail and end up writing an angry, slightly bitter diatribe about what a pile of shit they are.  And, if you've taken nothing else away from this, be wary of everyone you meet because a seemingly decent, though incredibly poorly written, profile might be another woman's former nightmare.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Online Dating: Behind Closed Doors

If you've been following me long, you know that a few months ago I told Facebook I wasn't read to date again.  But in order to tell everyone exactly why, I needed to sign up for Plenty Of Fish.  Since then, I filled out my profile, signed up for a couple of other sites, and started getting messages... and I've learned that online dating is a messy, messy thing and quit frankly, I just don't understand any of it from the profiles, to the content of the first messages people feel it is appropriate to send (which spurred DoucheArt, a blog taking the worst of Internet Messages and turning them into art).

If there is anything I've learned about online dating, it's that there are some things that should just be left behind closed doors for awhile.  While I understand that people have kinks and quirks and some just prefer to put them out on the table before getting to meet someone and feeling all the feels only to find themselves incompatible, I can't help but think that there really should be some things that should be third date conversation.

Do people even make it to third dates anymore?

As sad as it is... I've never really dated.  Not in a way where a man asked me out and we go out to dinner, and continue to do things like that until a relationship develops and we decide to see each other exclusively.  Is that unusual?  Has dating died?  Clearly, I must be doing something wrong.

But I digress.

So I signed up for OkCupid.  I'd be lying if I said that the site didn't leave me feeling a little bit...well, exposed.  Whether or not I'm a prude is still up for debate; I am a fairly open person, and will answer just about any question you ask me once I get to know you on a more personal level.  But the questions portion... asking if you have rape fantasies, like anal sex, and what your thoughts are on people who have slept with x amount of people is pretty invasive.  I keep trying to believe that the site is really trying to find the best match possible, but where is the line between finding a good match and handing out free tickets to your bedroom activities?

But the one thing I can't get past is being asked the most private thing I'm willing to admit.  What is the importance of this section?  What kind of information am I supposed to be gleaning from this about the person who wrote it?  I'm trying to understand that people are at a point where they are just putting it out there and trying to find a mate in an open and honest way but at this rate no one is going to have any horrific "I really liked him but then he told me..." stories in the future.  Is that really any way to live?

And with that I bring you what people consider the most private things they're willing to admit (and for the record, I admitted that I like being naked under my clothes.  I also shower in the nude and like to do lots of other things in the nude.  I'm so unoriginal.  But... I like to maintain some mystery).

 Well, alrighty then. That's quite a lot to take in. 

 Maybe I should message this guy...I bet he wouldn't hold my Alli Experience against me. 

 I saw all the movies... maybe.  I just don't get it.  But... I hope he finds himself a Hermione of his very own. 

 Well, that's just kind of cute and I'm glad he is open about it from the get-go.  Because I can't imagine dating this guy and catching him in the shower by accident and not thinking maybe I had missed something very important. 

 Honestly, I've never really understood this one.  I know it is a "fetish" or whatever but for all of the people out there who rant and rave about cigarettes and how awful they are and smelly and (insert cliche and overused complaint about smoking/smokers/cigarettes here), I find it hard to believe there is anyone who is actually INTO it. 

I'm scared of squirrels so maybe I should just shut the hell up and not be a judgy mcjudgypants, but... I kind of want to cuff this guy to a bed and force him to watch "Black Swan" with me... because who doesn't love Natalie Portman playing a confused, repressed young ballerina in the midst of a psychotic episode having hot girl-on-girl sex with Mila Kunis?

I could go on.  These aren't the worst I've ever seen and some are just funny.  But... it doesn't leave me any less confused about this online dating world.

What is the most private thing YOU would be willing to admit on an online dating site?

Friday, July 18, 2014

Online Dating: What's up with Your Profile?

Remember in October when I wrote a letter to Facebook about not being ready to date again? Dear Facebook...I'm NOT Ready to Date Again

Well, I had to sign up on Plenty Of Fish in order for that to happen, and when I did it I decided I might as well put in a half-assed effort to write a profile and I actually got some messages!  Nothing I was interested in pursuing but I was still flattered.  Then again, I'm also the woman who considers being "hollered" at in the Walgreen's parking lot (conveniently located across the street from community Addiction Support Center) a compliment.

I like reading personal ads.  I read them on Craigslist when I get bored.  I'm still on Plenty of Fish, though I haven't touched it in months.  I recently checked out Tinder so I could figure out what the folks at Down 2 Date are talking about.  And I've learned that I just don't understand it, ANY of it...starting with the Profiles.  I'm not claiming mine is the BEST, but it certainly isn't the worst.

What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet - unless we're talking about online dating in which case, your profile name matters.  I'm willing to admit it if I'm looking to actually meet someone from a place notorious for weirdos, I'm going to analyze you a bit first and it starts with the name you're going to call yourself.  Your favorite band, even incorporating the number "420" into your username is least it alludes to your interests and what you might seek in a partner.  Using your full name suggests that perhaps you're unimaginative, or maybe you're ok with me Facebook stalking you, which is commendable I guess unless your online dating profile is something so foul your employer would be ashamed to be giving you a paycheck.  And while I might look at your profile, and browse your photos...but I will never consider contacting or responding to a man who's username is "DonkeyPunch".

Headlines, like the headlines in a newspaper, are important.  While I will pick up a newspaper and read it if it is free, I've never bought one when the headlines sucked.  There's no way around it.  I'll be honest and say that my headline sucks, but it isn't creepy.

I have no words.  I have a quirky sense of humor.  I make Helen Keller jokes, but this?  Just no

Fine, I won't.

I don't, and I don't think I want to. 

Do I LOOK like a clown?  On a serious note, this guy messaged me and asked me if one of the pictures on my profile was taken from a movie.  Umm, no...that's just my face. 

A picture is worth a thousand words.  Shallow as it may be, no one wants to message someone and get to know them only to find out that they're not attracted to them.  I understand that sometimes people just aren't attracted to certain things and you can't really fault someone for what they're into.  So... having a picture is important, but what your choice of photo says about you is equally as important in my opinion.  Maybe I'm picky, but on my list of things that turn me off when it comes to photos:
  • Photos being affectionate with other women.  I get it, you might have female friends, sisters, whatever... but seeing another beautiful girl under your arm doesn't make it easier for me to see myself there.  And those pics with a girl cropped out are even more telling.  It's not that I don't know you have a past, but damn... don't you have any pictures without it?  Shopping for a new special someone with pictures taken with your old special someone just rubs me the wrong recycling sex toys or something.
  • Pictures of kids.  Seeing a man with child does not melt me or make them more likable to me.  And seeing the way people talk to other people on dating sites... I don't know why anyone would want to share pictures of their kids in those forums.  Last but not least... sharing photos of your kids, then sending gross, dirty and unsolicited sexts as your first message sends so many wrong and mixed messages.  If you're looking for a casual hookup... why the hell do you want them to know what your kid looks like?
  • Pictures of Pets.  I mean, your dog is cute but one picture of you and five of your dog don't impress me.
  • Bathroom photos.  I'm so tired of seeing urinals. 
I really like this guy.  He's actually pretty sexy... but he had bathroom pictures from two different bathrooms.  Come on dude...spend some time outside or something. 

Is that a statement or an offer?  Either way... I'm not interested.  Also... that creepy statue next to the toilet you're standing in front of also makes this a "No, Thank You".
  • Your Mom's house.  I totally look at the background of your photos and seeing a pigsty or telltale signs that you live with your mom or grandma don't float my boat (but I'm sure they're wonderful women.) 
  • Douchey Poses.  You know the ones... lifting up half of the shirt, the shirtless guy wearing a stethoscope.
Your "About Me" or "Self Summary" says a lot.  No really, it does.  Because seeing how much effort you put into your profile is really telling about what exactly it is you're looking for and what your intent is.  Write too much and it seems like desperation, but if you can't be bothered to write a few sentences about yourself, what you're looking for, or what you like to do...well, it leads me to believe you might not be able to hold up your end of a conversation over dinner.  If I'm not looking to really get to know someone then that is convenient, but if you're going to claim you want a long-term relationship then perhaps you should start by being someone I can have real conversations with. 

I have no words. 

No questions, and I'm not going to message you either.

I don't even know where to start with this one. 

This guy actually messaged me... after midnight. Nothing good happens after midnight on dating sites.  I wrote a DoucheArt about it

 I want to laugh, but I'm mostly creeped out. 

I really, really wish men in my community would learn the difference between "woman" and "women".  Every time I see one of these, it's an automatic NO

Your Perfect First Date is stupid.  Never have I ever read what someone wrote about what they thought the "perfect" first date was and been like, "Wow, I want to have THAT first date with THAT guy"; The fact that this question is stupid is not your fault and because of that, I'm forgiving of generic answers.  Except walks on the beach. That's bullshit.  Have you ever walked on the beach with someone (walks that came before or after fishing do not count)?  But what never ceases to amaze me are the number of guys who think it is appropriate to say that the first date should be dinner or a movie at home.  Maybe I'm just a paranoid adult, but the last thing I'm going to do is show up at some man's house that I've never met before for dinner and a movie, and I damn sure am not inviting him back to mine.  Maybe not all women feel this way and that's fine, but I will not be eating food prepared by a stranger in his home and I definitely will not be inviting him to mine.

The most private thing you're willing to admit.  I'm new to OkCupid, but I have to say... this is the most intriguing thing and I'll be writing about it in the future.  But... I'd like to remind everyone out there that you're trying to find someone to date, maybe even a life partner.  That being said... perhaps there are just some things you don't want to include on your dating profile.  Like all of the details of your single homosexual experience and how much you enjoyed it and talk about it multiple times... it's not that I'm against that, but if you're bisexual can you just state that you are bisexual?  I didn't need the life story.

"You should message me if"'re careful not to show your bitterness in this section. The most common thing I see on this part of OKCupid profiles is a long, melodramatic list of everything that ever went wrong in every relationship the person has ever had.  Ever.  Like, including that girl he asked to be his girlfriend when he was 12 in middle school, and they "dated" for like two weeks but never saw each other or called each other.

Not the worst I've seen, but... maybe you could say something nice?  Like "You think I'm interesting" or "You see that we have a lot in common" 

Man... dating is HARD.  I mean, I guess... most of the time, if the profile doesn't kill me... the messages these men send me almost do.  Stay tuned for those!

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Dear Facebook...I'm NOT Ready to Date Again.

Dear Facebook,

I love you dearly and we've really shared some great times together.  All of the funny memes we laughed about, all the vague status messages we've passive-aggressively written, stalking my ex-boyfriends together and giggling at what they’re dating now, the current events you made sure to let me know about, and excitedly watching as the “Like” numbers on our status messages climb…it’s all really been special. 

We've had our rough times too.  Sometimes I've felt like you suggested certain people as “Friends I might know” just to hurt me.  Not to mention all the times I've mistakenly accepted a Friend Request only to end up having to block them for psychotic behavior because something about you kind of makes people crazy.  And I’m not going to lie…I’m starting to think that our relationship, with all the time we spend together and the fact that we are so dependent on each other, might not be so healthy.  But lately, I’m growing really concerned about something you've been doing.

We've been through a lot together when it comes to my relationships and you’re usually one of the first to know when my relationship status changes.   You've been the fly on the wall for so many flirty comments and the occasional sweet IM, and also brought me words of support from my friends and family during my worst breakups.  I really appreciate how supportive you've been throughout the relationship I left behind and the healing I've been going through, but…I’m really not ready to meet anyone new.  So while I’m sure you just want to see me smile again and excitedly check my messages all day, I need you to stop trying to get me to join online dating sites.

I'm not sure where this came from.  I've never even been on a bike, and I'm sure that is at least a prerequisite for this site. 

"Michael" has been a regular guy, a cop, and a doctor.  Thanks for recognizing that I love a man in uniform (cops, firefighters, UPS drivers, prison inmates, security guards...yeah, we all know I have a problem), but I'm pretty sure they don't want ME on Christian Mingle.  

I get it, you’re just trying to help.  But encouraging me to “Meet this Big Rig driving Cowboy” or showing me random pictures of men from websites who would probably try to exorcise my demons before trying to date me is not what I need.  And what makes it worse is that through all the things we've been through together, you just keep sending me these advertisements to meet people I would not be interested in dating on sites I’m not interested in visiting.  And Plenty of Fish…really?  Have you so easily forgotten the weirdo I met on there the last time I was single and looking?  Not to mention that a certain recently estranged husband of one of my favorite relatives has recently signed himself on there like a total Skeeze.  Don't get me wrong, I liked the guy and thought he was attractive enough...before he started acting like a skeeze.  Now,  I would die if I signed up and they tried to tell me he was a match for me.  DO YOU HEAR ME? D.I.E.  And this is what else is on that site...

...and this isn't going to get you anywhere with the local girls

I don't think I can afford the luxury of this guy's company.  He ended the section with a link to a YouTube video.  I've seen too many things on the Internet NOT to be afraid.  For all I know, it could be him doing the Drake Hands thing.  I don't know.  That was bad enough the first time. 

And, I'm not even including the guy whose headline said "My Penis has a Mullet", the married guy I used to work with, or the 3 guys I went to high school with.  For the record, I had to sign up in order to get all of that fun information.  Yikes.  Do I get credit for that?

So I need you to cool it right now.  Stop pressuring's giving me some serious flashbacks to the days when the school's Guidance Counselor would come in and give us talks about Peer Pressure and make us role play.  *Shudder*  Or worse...when we had to take DARE classes and pretend to try and give or sell each other drugs when we didn't really know anything about them.  I mean really, of all the times I smoked pot was offered marijuana back in the day, no one ever awkwardly held it out to me and was like, "Hey...uhhh...want some....uhhh...marijuana cigarette?"

Facebook, while I understand you're all about "connecting", the best way to get over someone isn't to get on top of someone else...or under someone else.  Whatever.  You know what I mean.  But you need to seriously quit hounding me.  All that extra stress could lead me to actually searching for guys on Craigslist and not just laughing at the ads from people in my area.

Little interesting factoid about this guy...I've also seen his posts (he uses the same picture) looking for threesomes in the "Casual" section.  I can't help but think he probably cries after sex... and that would probably be a lot more awkward if three people were involved.

Fetishes amuse me.  Usually.  This is just confusing. (and FYI, I edited out the XXX photo that was included with this ad.  You're so welcome) 

This just sounds like some sex slave/trade scary shit.  Seriously.  If this is real, I wonder if dude realizes how effin' creepy he is. 

Don't worry about me.  I'm ok.  I'm enjoying my freedom.  I have plenty of time to start something serious with someone later on if I want to.  And it's not like I'll end up alone...if all else fails, I have a solution!


So until I'm ready to actively start looking for another relationship...let's just cool it, ok?  Let's go back to posting memes and playing Candy Crush until I'm ready to puke.

With Love,

The Cheese One

P.S. Yes....DARE is a great program that is super helpful. was awkward and you know it.

P.P.S.  I really did sign up for Plenty Of Fish to get those screen shots.  I've already gotten a message...damn it.