Showing posts with label Sunday Confession. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sunday Confession. Show all posts

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Captive

Welcome to another Sunday Confessions!  


This week's topic: 
CAPTIVE

The English language is such a funny thing.  I can't help but wonder at the vast difference in meaning between the words "captive" and "captivate". 




Maybe there is something wrong with me but I just can't see how the noun and the verb can have such different meanings.  But in hindsight, I realize that so many of the things in my life that have captivated me have ended up holding me captive.

I've come to realize that when I get into something, I go all in and get a little obsessive about it.  I over-do everything because I want to be good at everything.  I people-please to the extreme.  I get so captivated that it stops being fascinating and becomes confining.  And even though I know that, it doesn't stop me from going all in when it comes to relationships, hobbies, even things like holiday preparations.  

I've been captive to so many things... fear, relationships, poor coping mechanisms, binge eating... unfortunately, it seems that I have some habits to break. The worst part has been finding just how captive I've been to negativity and ugliness; how much darkness has been in my life and it's been the hardest thing for me to walk away from yet.
Shortly after the break-up from a man I once found captivating who was really no good for me, I went to get an Energy Healing Session (Reiki).  I felt blocked.  I felt dirty on every layer of my being.  I didn't know what to expect, but I was willing to try anything.  It was an awesome and interesting experience.  As I was getting my healing, there were so many ugly things that went through my mind and I realized that I had been poisoning myself for so long with things that seemed harmless.  I walked away thinking "It's time to clean up my life".

It's pretty easy to walk away thinking that, and another to actually do it.  To cut out things that could be considered poisonous to the brain, body and psyche when you're embraced them for so long thinking they were harmless.  On some level, I still seek out the poison because it is like a sickness or a drug and it's been the hardest thing I've faced yet. 

Very shortly after I left the relationship and started on my road towards healing, I tried to help someone in a similar situation.  After awhile, I realized I wanted to help them because I wanted to be the person I needed someone to be for me, and because it gave me something to focus on other than what was important: working on myself and my own healing.  I let myself be consumed by their problems and issues and be distracted by them in order to avoid dealing with my own problems.  When all was said and done, I took on their ugliness to avoid dealing with my own and eventually it made me vengeful, angry and caused me to act in ways I normally wouldn't.  

It took me a long time to realize that I wasn't practicing what I preach.  I've come to believe that bad, unhealthy relationships are like crack.  No... I don't know that much about crack and I've never tried it so many this is the world's most inappropriate comparison and I'm not trying to make light of a very real affliction.  But I once had a friend of a friend who had struggling with a crack addiction tell me how much she loved crack.  She didn't do it anymore, but she loved it.  And I realized... bad relationships are like crack because even when they're killing you, even when you've given away everything for it and it's ravaged the health of your mind and body... you still want it.  And addiction is a sickness.  Sickness, like the common cold, is contagious.  Being around sick people will make you sick again.  And that is what I was doing... exposing myself to sick people who only reinfected me when I was beginning to heal and I was SO sick.  I was so sick that I considered calling the man I once considered so captivating who was no good for me.  After fighting so hard for progress, I still had days where it was all I could think about.

Some days I'm still held captive by the ugly things I swore to get away from.  I keep trying to remind myself that being bitter/anger/resentful is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  I keep trying to clean up my life and work towards something beautiful, something captivating... but I keep struggling with being a captive of the past and sadly, sometimes, I think it makes me a sick person who infects others and I hate myself for it.  I've been wondering lately if the things that have held me captive and made me miserable have begun making others miserable and I struggle with that... with the idea that I'm making people I care about miserable because I'm struggling to let go. 


I read this the other day and it reminded me why I have to keep pushing, to keep trying, to keep working towards removing the things that are ugly but also the things that make me feel and act ugly because I am a collective of every experience I have ever had... and I've worked so hard to see, feel, have and know too many beautiful things to have it all shadowed by the ugliness I've encountered along the way. 


Sunday, June 29, 2014

Smells

Welcome to another Sunday Confessions!


This week's topic: 
SMELLS

So often I hear people talk about music and how it brings them back to a time and place, sometimes a person.  Of course, I have that experience too... so many songs take me back to a moment.  But smells... I've always had a strong sense of smell and find that just a whiff and I remember everything about a person or a place.

I recently ran into someone I once loved very much.  He still smells the same.  Which is hilarious because I picked out the body spray he uses over a decade ago.  But...every time I smell it in the deodorant aisle in the store I remember everything.

My Grandma used to make this special kind of dark chili.  It's goes over pasta and was something I always asked for.  Some kids make cookies with their grandma, my grandma taught me how to make that chili.  It's one of my favorite things in the world and every time I make it, I let it simmer for the required four hours... but I barely look at the clock because I know when it is done by the smell and every time, I remember standing in her kitchen stirring the pot.

I remember my father's cologne.  And while I associate the smell of the cologne with my dad and it brings up pleasant memories, the truth is smelling it on anyone else is heartbreaking.  He didn't wear cologne much, but even after 13 years I still expect to see him when I smell it.  I can't even describe what it is like to have someone who is interested in me show up smelling like my Dad.

Not all if the smells burned into my memory are pleasant.  My ex kind of smelled like a badger.  That sounds terrible, but he had the most god awful body chemistry.  He didn't personally smell but I could never borrow a t-shirt and enjoy how it smelled like him.

All of the memories I have associated with smells make it hard for me to pick a scent...for myself or my home.  I've been through scented cleaners, various plug-ins and sprays and candles and warm oils in the house.  I have never been able to decide on a body wash, perfume or body spray.  I wonder if my house has a smell that someday my nephew, or my brother or my sister will remember someday when I'm not here to be a presence.  I wonder if, when I'm gone, they will remember my Clinique perfume, or the way I love Tide with Febreeze detergent.  Maybe it's silly, but I hope someday someone associates a good smell with me.


Sunday, June 22, 2014

Sunday Confession: At The Doctor



This week's topic:
AT THE DOCTOR


I sat in the waiting room.  Head down.  Not looking at anyone around me.   Anxious.  Embarrassed.  Dreading the moment when I would be called back for my appointment and I would have to explain why I was there.

When the nurse called my name, I got up and collected my things.  She took my height.  Then my weight.  As I walked with the nurse to my exam room I tried to remember what I had weighed before my surgery (the week I started dating my ex) and as I quickly did the math I realized just how detrimental my former relationship had been to my waistline.  The knowledge of just how substantial my weight gain was during the relationship only brought my already hanging head lower to my chest.

I talked to the nurse who took my blood pressure and asked me questions about current medications and when I had quit smoking.  I picked at my hangnails as I waited for my Physician's Assistant to come in.  I cried as I explained to her what had brought me there that day, discussed what I felt I needed and her professional recommendations, and then decided on a plan of action.  She left the room so I could take my clothes off and change into a gown for the exam.

We made chit chat about her kids, how my nephew was doing and what other changes had happened in my life since the last time I had seen her.  The exam was fast and I hoped that meant everything would be fine.  As she walked out she advised me to get dressed and she would be back momentarily.

Maybe I was overreacting.  Maybe I was paranoid.  As I sat there scared and humiliated...it occurred to me how many other people had sat there feeling the same way for the same reason, for different reasons, for reasons I couldn't imagine or understand, for reasons so much more serious than mine.

And then I remembered being in a similar office at another time thinking about how my life could change and it would take less than a minute to happen.  It felt exactly the same and it was for something completely different.

In the end, I was overreacting.  I was paranoid.  And thankfully, I was perfectly fine... but what about all of those other people?  What about those people who weren't overreacting?  Who weren't paranoid?  Who weren't fine?

When I'm at the doctor, even for the smallest things...that's what I think about whether I want to or not.  And then I send some kind words and love and hope out into the Universe for those people who might not have been so lucky.


Sunday, June 8, 2014

Sunday Confessions: Resilient

Welcome to another Sunday Confessions!


This week's topic: 
RESILIENT

My Sunday Confession this week?  I'm not sure that I am personally resilient anymore.  One day, a long time ago I may have been but now I'm not so sure.  

I've struggled with resilience.  And lately, the only thing that has spurred me on is seeing how resilient the people around me are. 

I could go into the details, but it doesn't feel right to write about other people's struggles even if their resilience inspires me to just keep pushing to bounce back. 

In the last 6 months I've watched people close to me try to spring back from struggles I've both known and struggles I've never had to deal with.  And they've handled it with as much grace as I've ever seen anyone muster.  But what really inspires me is when there is an ending to the struggle... there is joy, and that is what I'm holding on to.  That at the end of it all, if and when I bounce back....hopefully there will be joy.






Sunday, June 1, 2014

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Sunday Confessions: Friendship

Welcome to another Sunday Confessions!

This week's topic: Friendship


I've been thinking a lot about friendships lately.  What it means to be a friend, to have a friend and the type of people I have in my life. 

The truth about my friends is this... I have no idea why they hang out with me. 

Seriously. 

My social anxiety and my need to recover after busy social interactions grows stronger all the time lately it seems.  It can be a pain in the ass just to get me to come around, not to mention the fact that I'm a total flake.  And they just keep trying...because I'm that awesome or because they get some kind of kick out of getting the ever elusive Hot Ash to leave her house I'm not sure, but I'm grateful. 

I don't tell them that enough. 

I once read an interesting idea about housecleaning and getting rid of things... if you don't love it, it isn't beautiful and it doesn't serve a purpose then you should get rid of it, otherwise it projects negativity and makes you unhappy.

I think I'm going to start applying that idea to people.  I think I spend so much time being surrounded by people who exhaust me, who project negativity, who don't really view me as a friend so much as someone of use to them. 

The truth is that I have met some of the most beautiful people in the darkest, scariest places and I have known monsters who live in the daylight. 

That being said, it's past time I clean house.  I have too many monsters in my house.  It's time I clean out the leeches who feed off of my time and energy.  It's time I shone a little sunshine on the fog that's found it's way into my life, preventing me from seeing things as they really are.  It's time I cleaned up the cobwebs from the old spiders who left them behind long ago.  It's time I cleaned the skeletons out of the closet.  It's time I clean out the joy vampires.  

If there is anything I've learned about friendship, it is that losing one can be just as painful if not more so than a terrible breakup.  If there is anything I learned from my last terrible breakup, it's that sometimes the things we hold on to and fight the hardest for are the things keeping us from having, doing and being all the things we want the most in this life.  

And it's past time I give the people who I love, who are beautiful, and who give me purpose priority over the monsters... because they deserve to be held close, and the rest...well, aren't really my friends in the end.



Sunday, May 11, 2014

Sunday Confessions: Motherhood

Today's Sunday Confession prompt:
MOTHERHOOD


As a childless wonder, this whole Motherhood thing is quite the phenomenon to behold.

It is amazing really.

Not everyone rises to the occasion, perhaps the fact that I truly do believe that all mothers are not created equal makes me part of the problem...part of the collective pressure so many of the wonderful, incredible mothers around me feel to be the "perfect" mom.

Motherhood is scary.  In Eat, Pray, Love Elizabeth Gilbert writes that “Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit.”  Perhaps that is why I've never had kids.  That and face tattoos always make me think of Mike Tyson.  Mike Tyson is crazy, and he has some serious balls.

I just said balls in a post about Motherhood that I'm posting on Mother's Day.  But let's be honest, when you sign up to be a mom you kind of need some.

My own Mom is a badass little lady.  My mom is 5'2 and could probably take out any one of her children, all of which outgrew her by about 14.  She seems like a nice little middle aged woman in her yoga pants and toe sandals, but I'm telling you...my mom is badass.  I was as asshole as a kid, and I tried to drive my mom crazy.  She may have even actually lost her mind a few times.  But she never stopped being my cheerleader, my reality check, the person I went to when I was expected to take on a motherhood role and had no idea what I was doing, and the person who tried so hard to teach me to use my powers for good, not evil.  And since I've already said balls a few times I might as well add that she has gone balls to the walls for me more times than I can count.

Sometimes, I wonder if my mom feels or once felt the same pressure that some of the moms I know now feel.  Is it the Internet that makes so many women I know feel so inadequate?  Is it the availability of so much knowledge about any given decision?  Did my mom ever feel inadequate for not making me rainbow pasta?

But I realize that if you care enough to feel like you're bring driven crazy.  I think you're doing something right.

I once told someone that I was too selfish to have kids.  That my greatest fear about having kids is that I would never be able to give them everything, the best life I could give them, teach them the rights things, stand by and watch them learn the hard lessons they have to learn on their own, that my genes wouldn't be fit to pass on to anyone, and that not-having kids would allow me to not lose my mind.  They told me I would be a great mom because if I wasn't meant to be, I wouldn't already worry about a child I didn't even have.

Being a good mother isn't about rainbow pasta.  It isn't about the commercialism so much of our society holds dear.  It isn't even about being right all the time.  It's about being crazy.  Being crazy enough to go ahead and see what happens when you roll the dice and make a baby because there's a good change it'll have it's father's crazy hair.  It's being crazy enough to do stupid silly things just to make the baby laugh, or take a nap.  It's being crazy enough to worry about whether to vaccinate or not vaccinate, breast or bottle, cloth diaper or pampers, being green or clinging to cleaners that boast 99.9% less germs instead of just doing what is easiest.  It's being crazy enough to make another baby when the first one already makes you feel like pulling out your hair, and then starting the process over again.

My Mom is crazy.  She had me, then went back and made two more.  I'm not even including all of the other kids she's taken under her wing like my "adopted" sister, or the countless friends who have spent a huge part of their lives under the watchful eye of my badass little Mom.

So, here's my Sunday Confession...  I don't know if I'll ever experience motherhood.  I don't know if I could do it.  But in the last few years, I've come to believe that being a good mom isn't about being perfect... it's about having big balls, being crazy and being badass.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you out there to all of you crazies who have kids, want kids, couldn't have kids, or just have/had a badass Mom.


Sunday, May 4, 2014

Sunday Confessions: Cultivate


Today's prompt is:
Cultivate

I'm so happy to see the month of May. 

It was sunny yesterday and it was a beautiful break from the gray skies and April showers.  Not that I mind April showers much, but I wish there had been thunder.  Something about the rumbling and the cloudy turmoil soothes my spirit;  Many times, the memories of my father and later in my life, Bonehead, and our love of and connection to the storms is what calms me.  

The rolling and tumbling clouds bring abundant showers that wash away the last of the winter, the grit and dirt stirred up by snowblowers and snowplows.  Everything is washed away in one cold hard rain after another until that first warm shower of the year that seems to be bathing the earth, cleansing it for a new beginning.  As the earth around me starts to prepare itself, I find myself preparing also. 

It has been too long since I gardened.  Too long since I took my hands to the dirt, picking out the twigs and small stones so that I may plant something and watch it grow, weeding and tending to it.  Some say life is like a garden, and maybe that is why I haven't been out there much in the past few years.  But I hear the thunder, and I think it is time to prepare. 

The last time I chose to grow something, it didn't go so well and perhaps it was my fault.  Perhaps it is my fault for choosing the wrong type of plant, or putting it in the wrong place.  Perhaps it was just destined not to go well.  But what did happen is I ended up with something not so wonderful.  The dirt was poor, the plant grew up unhealthy, reaching for the sun until the sun found it's way to the reaching leaves and then drooping, soaking up the water I gave it and constantly looking for more. 

It is possible to over weed?  Perhaps I groomed it to much and it resented me with every little not-so-green leaf.  Perhaps I had such high hopes for it's growth that it just never really fruited because of the pressure.  Maybe the water it seemed to crave so badly wasn't what it needed.  Perhaps it was just a crappy plant. 

But I'm ready to try again.  Only this time, I want to do it right in a way I never wanted to before.  I'm ready to dance in the warm, cleansing rain.  I want to touch the earth.  I'm ready to dig.  I'm ready to get a little dirt under my fingernails.  I'm ready to grow something strong and beautiful.  I want beautiful healthy leaves, and a strong stem.  I want it to be fruitful. 

Perhaps today will be sunny like yesterday and I'll get to see the sunrise.  And maybe, if I put in my best effort to cultivate something wonderful...something wonderful might grow. 


Sunday, March 30, 2014

Sunday Confessions: Little

MoreThanCheeseandBeer

Today's Sunday Confession prompt:
LITTLE

This weekend, my little brother celebrated a milestone birthday.  

I can't really call him my little brother anymore.  I mean, I outweigh him still. But he outgrew me a long time ago.  He is taller than I am.  He is smarter than I am.  He is now more educated than I am.  He is naturally funnier.  I am a little bit in awe of my little brother.  I think he's awesome and I'm so proud of him.  Standing next to him sometimes, I feel little in just about every way.  He is so many awesome things and better at so many things than I am, sometimes it is hard not to be a little bit jealous and feel a little bit surpassed in a way.

In the past few years, we spend our time together going out to eat at his favorite restaurants.  He's always good for pizza and a zombie movie.  The first time I saw Zombieland was with him.  We watched all of the Resident Evil movies together with pizza and pringles.  He's pretty awesome just to hang out with.

But sometimes, I remember how cool he was when he was little, back in the days when he was just a wee toddling lad and my sister and I would steal him away to our rooms to giggle and cuddle late into the night.  When I was a teenager, he was well-trained to know to tell me how pretty I looked no matter what I wore.  Later, when I had a job and a car he was spoiled with movies and I would buy him clothes and rude t-shirts.   After I left for college, when I would come home on the weekends we would have Bond Nights.  Mom would leave me to watch him and we would order pizza, make popcorn and watch James Bond movies on ABC.

We still have good times.  Sometimes, though, when I see him growing and changing and becoming the person he is going to be, learning about adulthood and life...sometimes I wish we were little again, giggling into the night or eating pepperoni pizza and watching a movie late into the night.

Happy Birthday, Little Brother.  May all of your birthday wishes and dreams come true.



Sunday, March 23, 2014

Sunday Confessions: Awkward Moments

MoreThanCheeseandBeer

Today's Sunday Confession prompt:
Awkward Moments

This topic just came to me last Tuesday.  A Facebook friend had shared that it was Awkward Moments Day 2014 and it was just too good to resist.  Sometimes, it seems like my life is an entire series of Awkward Moments.  Not just my embarrassing stories, or the Open-Mouth Insert-Foot Disorder, but my entire life. 

If my life were a quilt, it would be made of the people who love me the most, the times I'll never forget, great loves, great losses, every lesson I had to learn the hard way, and all of my many mistakes.  The batting would be made of warm and fuzzy memories.  The backing would be good intentions.  But if my life were quilt, it would be stitched together with Awkward Moments.

In my life, Awkward Moments are the things that happen between the moments that take my breath away, between the times when life could be a Hallmark card or a Norman Rockwell painting, and connecting the blocks that are dark and sad with laughter. 

It is the moment when someone starts talking to you, and you think that maybe you are being hit on or that you've found a new friend.  Only to have them walk away from you with a strange glance back in your direction, only to realize they're talking on their bluetooth.

It is pushing a door that says pull, whether I mean that literally or figuratively I'm not sure but either way is awkward with a large enough audience. 

It is when you're have the most awful day, you're trying to drive home when traffic is bad and people are driving like morons and something causes you to look into your rear-view mirror.  Judging by the way people have been driving, you're expecting to see some unfortunate mouth breather only to see someone rocking out and dancing.  Sometimes, it is seeing a man dressed in a nice shirt and tie in a fancy car who has his finger shoved up his nose almost to the second knuckle. 

It is when someone decides to start telling me the most intimate details of their life because I said hello and asked how they are doing...while standing in the grocery line.  Sometimes, I don't ask.

I don't know what it is, but it seems like Awkward Situations just happen to me one way or another.  It's the stitching in the fabric of my life and in my own way, I kind of love it. 



Sunday, March 2, 2014

Sunday Confessions: Exhaust

Welcome to another Sunday Confessions!  I'd be lying to you if I said I was running late with my own post today for any reason other than...well, I'm exhausted.  But let's start confessing.....



Today's Sunday Confession prompt:
EXHAUST


I knew 2014 was going to be a big year for me.  Big changes, lots of growth...and of course I expected hard times and challenges.  When you bring about change, there will always be some adversity.  

I am exhausted.  I'm utterly exhausted and I can't decide if it is because of what is going on around me or because I'm not doing the things I ought to be doing for myself. 




I haven't hidden that I am struggling with seasonal depression.  It's been a long, very cold and harsh winter.  Contrary to popular belief, being depressed is exhausting.  Even the most everyday tasks seem difficult, and looking around at all of the things going undone for no good reason other than not feeling like doing it...it's draining.  

All of the windows in my house are covered.  I haven't seen what little light Wisconsin Winter allows in months.  Part of it is because I wasn't bright enough to get the plastic on the windows right away this year, and then I ran out.  The other part of it is that I detest the idea that my life is on display for the boyfriend-that-was.  While the harassment and shenanigans has stopped for the most part, inside of me I am struggling to move on.  I am struggling to shut down the part of my brain that is anxious, constantly looking for his presence, planning the next move...it is like a smart phone app running in the back of my brain, draining my battery.  

As an introvert, I find social interaction exhausting.  That sounds terrible.  I love my friends and family.  I love being with them and around them.  Unfortunately, I'm caught it this unfortunate limbo...I NEED to be surrounded by people, and interact with them because it helps with the seasonal depression.  However, being around people forces me to NEED to regroup and recharge.  It's kind of like fighting with a cat....they try and pull you in with their front legs, while scratching you to hell and kicking you with their back legs.  

It's not a personal thing...it's just how I am. 



All of these things I have going on in my life, but there is one thing that seems to be prevalent in all of the areas of my life, and it is what I find to be the most draining...ugliness.  The ugliness in my world right now is exhausting me.  I'm sick of the ugliness I see on t.v.  I'm struggling with the ugliness I see people doing around me.  I'm struggling with the ugliness I'm feeling within myself.  I'm so tired of watching people do hateful, awful things to one another.  It's not one specific incident or thing, it's all of it...nasty looks, rude tones, mean-spirited gossip, dishonesty, all of it.  Perhaps I sound like a whiner, but every time I see yet another example of people treating each other badly it's like taking sandpaper to my last, already raw nerve.

And the thing is, I know all of these things are happening because I need to make changes.  There are things in my life that are draining me, and some of those things mean there need to be changes in myself as a person.  I know and have accepted that I am incomplete, that as a person I am constantly evolving and this is part of it.  For a long time, I believed that someday I would be "done".  That I would be all the things that I am supposed to be and I would be happy, content, and everything I'm supposed to be.  In many ways, I feel like I've been pushing so hard for that end that I didn't stop to enjoy the moment.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm exhausted from being a being that is ever changing and growing.  On occasion, I long to be everything I am supposed to be enough for life to just be happy, peaceful, wonderful and content even just for a little bit.  

So for right now, I'm going to embrace my exhaustion.  I am tired.  But right now, I know that I am tired because I've been a friend.  I'm tired because I've needed friends.  I'm tired because I'm trying.  I'm tired because evolving is a lot of work, even if I'm unaware of all of the changes that are happening.  And when I grow exhausted from growing and changing and evolving...I will sing, and then I will remember not to run myself ragged from trying to find the end and the answer to everything, and perhaps then I wont be so exhausted.


This is on the soundtrack of my life.  It's like she pulled it from my head.  Because it is true.  I'm been running so sweaty my whole life and missing the rapture of being incomplete.


Sunday, February 16, 2014

Dear X Love

Welcome to another Sunday Confessions!  I hope everyone is having a great weekend!  If you choose to link up this week, please remember to link to me or snag the snazzy "Dear X Love" button into your blog!

MoreThanCheeseandBeer

Today's Sunday Confession prompt:
Dear X Love



Dear X Love,

When we got together, it was a fluke.  You loved me, supported me and adored me for years as my friend and I never thought you would hurt me.  In many ways, our relationship only seemed natural.

I loved you more than you will ever know and I never really got over our breakup.  I believed that everything that had happened in my life that had left internal scars had screwed me up so bad that I was unlovable.  I excused every hurtful thing you did with a criticism of myself because I believed that you were such a good person that there must have been something I was doing to make you act that way.  I believed that if you as someone who had loved me for so long couldn't love me for who I was and felt the need to treat me so poorly that I must have deserved it.

I had trouble letting you go after we broke up, a fact you were well aware of.   You took advantage of my love for you on many occasions, hurting me every time and I always forgave you because I could always find a way to blame myself, except for this last time.

When you came back into my life, I swore to myself that I wouldn't make the mistakes I made before and be all the things that drove you away.  I said I wouldn't fall hard and fast for you again and get burned for it.  In the end, it really didn't matter what I did.  Only this time I realize, I don’t think any of it was ever my fault.

What I’m trying to say is…Thank you for breaking my heart again in the utterly disgusting way that you did last time because it showed me (finally) that I am a person with flaws and you are a flawed person.  There is a difference.  I always believed that there was something wrong with me and that the things that had happened to me in my life made me unlovable and that was what drove you away.  I now realize that my scars are what make me a better person because I learned about things like acceptance, compassion, decency and empathy when I got them.  I strive to be a good person while you inherently believe yourself to be a good person as you intentionally scar others with your complete lack of compassion, decency, honor, integrity and class.

I've realized that you and I have never been on the same page in our development as people.  If we were books, not only would we be on opposite ends of the store, but we'd be at different reading levels.  But that’s ok.  I’m glad that we walked part of our journeys with each other.  In my own way, I'm glad I was finally able to say "Goodbye" to you.  In the past, I was never allowed to have any kind of closure because you never actually ended it...you just walked away like a coward.  It hurt, but something tells me that things are going to work out just fine now that I have a new outlook.

Thank you for the beautiful memories, and while I wish the lessons hadn't been so hard to learn there is a part of me that knows the ones that make you struggle are the most important.  I wish you bountiful harvests and hope you are blessed with all of the experiences you need to make you whole.


MoreThanCheeseandBeer
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Sunday, February 2, 2014

On Ageing

Welcome to Sunday Confessions!  If you have a blog, please be sure to link up via the blue linky at the bottom!

MoreThanCheeseandBeer

Today's Sunday Confession prompt:
AGEING

On Friday, I posted a nice long blog post about being Stoic.  That post started as my Sunday Confession.  Because the truth is, I'm not afraid of dying.  I'm not afraid of the end.  I'm not afraid of the actual thing itself.  The truth is...I'm more afraid of ageing. 

Every time I go into the bathroom with the intent to take a shower, I take off all of my clothes and look at myself in the mirror.  I pick pimples look at my blemishes.  I jiggle some part that is looking squishier than I remember it being just to see if it actually is.  I stare at my tits and sigh at the bigger boob.  I push my boobs up farther on my chest and wonder what it must be like to have tiny, perky tits and wonder what life is like for women that don't require a bra to go out in public.  I lean over and try to figure out just how much bigger the bigger boob is.  Then, I make all of the faces that make my forehead and the space between my eyes wrinkle and check to see if the lines have grown deeper or more noticeable.  I take my fingers and lifting upwards at the temples to see if it makes a difference.  I suck in my cheeks and make fish lips.  

I don't know what I'm going to do when I actually spot a wrinkle.  I can tell my skin is already losing some elasticity.  Every time I do my body inspection, I vow to wash my face and use moisturizer ad sunscreen.  Sometimes I wonder how much damage I did tanning, if any, but I still think about going back.  And I have to admit to myself that I'm probably already screwed. 

A friend I've known since I was thirteen turned 29 last week.  For some reason, his birthday always serves as a reminder of my upcoming birthday.  I've cried on my birthday every year since I have turned 18 for one reason or another.  Usually because I feel like another year has passed and I'm still living a life that is completely different than what I thought it was going to be. And every year I wonder if life with always be this way for me. 

I don't have kids.  I don't know that I ever will even meet someone I want to have children with, and I don't think I have what it takes to make the conscious decision to be a single parent.  And perhaps this is the most old fashioned argument ever, but I feel like I look awful old for my age...who would be interested in me anyway.

So, without kids...who will take care of me someday?  A stranger?  I was one of those strangers who takes care of the elderly.  I hugged little old ladies and let them kiss me.  I helped dress frail looking old men in pajamas.  It was one of the most rewarding and frightening learning experiences of my life.  My first resident at the nursing home was 105.  I didn't think she was really aware of where she was, or who I was until I realized that she always called me "Angel" and she didn't call anyone else that.  Sometimes, she would beg me to take her home with me.  She had been in the nursing home for more than 10 years.  I cried when they gave her last rites.  Then she pulled through and lived another 9 months.  I can't imagine what it must be like relying on someone else to take care of me, which is why I've always put love into caring for others.  But knowing I can't stand to ask anyone for help as it is, how will I ever let someone who doesn't know me or love me help me when I can no longer help myself?

I'm terrified of the future.  I hate Ageing.



Sunday, January 26, 2014

Reconcile

Today's Sunday Confession prompt:
RECONCILE



In trying to grow, heal and walk away from what was an unhealthy, dysfunctional and abusive relationship, I decided that there are things in me that existed before and exist now that need to be remedied if I do not want that situation to be my life.  In many ways, I'm seeking to reconcile some things within myself in order to move on.  I began exploring different beliefs and kinds of healing not only on physical levels, but on mental, emotional and spiritual ways that I had never really looked into before.  Through that exploration the last few months, I've experienced an overwhelming feeling of needing to "clean" my house, my life and my head and remove some of the negative influences that have found a way into my life.

One of the things I felt I needed to really focus on was the people in my life as I clearly have judgement issues.   I tend to judge people based on what I believe to be the content of their character and their potential as people instead of who they really are and how they act.  Unfortunately, I also tend to falsely believe that because I knew someone once, they are the same people or possess the same great qualities that made us sympatico to begin with.

In some way, it only felt natural to me to want to reach out to the people who once loved me so much and who were part of what I consider the best times of my life after leaving the most miserable time in my adult life.  There is a small part of me that hoped that maybe surrounding myself with the elements of a happier time would help me heal by reminding me of who I was back when I thought I was so happy.  Saying it out loud only makes it sound more ridiculous, but I genuinely believed that those people could still love me because I still believe good things about them and love them dearly.

It seems I still love some of the people in my life for who they were in the past and not for who and what they are now.  I haven't reconciled with that fact that just as I have grown and changed, so have they.  I'm having a hard time accepting, and in some cases believing, that the people who I once considered bosom friends have grown and changed into such unfortunate people.  

That sounds so self-righteous and it isn't meant to.  It is actually very heartbreaking for me to see people I once knew to be so many amazing things now a mere shell of their former selves, some barely recognizable.  I struggle to cherish the good memories and not believe that the people I once loved so dearly could be, in some cases, the monsters they've become.  And I do not use the term monsters lightly.  How do you reconcile the past with the present?  

It appears I need to grow up and let go of the childish idea that because I knew someone once, that I could still know them and love them years later.   I mistakenly thought people who once loved me and were so fiercely loyal to me still could be.  At this point, I look at other people who have had friendships spanning decades and wonder how that comes to be.  Perhaps those people chose to grow together while I'm trying to return to something didn't necessarily grow apart but grew independently in their own directions. 

Then, out of the blue, someone from my past sought to reconcile with me unexpectedly this week.  It came as a shock and a surprise.  At one point in my life, this person was someone very special.  I don't think I've let myself be so close to anyone in my adult life.  Unfortunately, there eventually came a point where a choice had to be made and the choice wasn't me.  I've made peace with that.  But now I'm wondering...does this person have a place in my life?  Have we grown and changed to a point where we could be a part of each others' lives,   or is this one of those times where I'm supposed to be learning something and this is a test?


MoreThanCheeseandBeer
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Monday, January 20, 2014

Anonymous Confessions: Insecurities

Yesterday, I made an embarrassing confession.  It got more attention than anything I've ever posted.  I'm still not sure how I feel about that.  But I'm glad everyone wanted to read about my awful experience.  If you missed it, you can read my Sunday Confession about Insecurities here.

There have been lots of changes around here lately.  I've added a Link Up to the bottom of posts so that bloggers who participate can share their posts.  If you visit my confession, please check them out.

Facebook is still making it increasingly hard for Pages and Bloggers alike to share content, sadly.  So, we are still sharing page confessions.  Now, Pages can submit their confessions as well! Here's what happened yesterday, anonymous confessions are BLACK, mine are PURPLE, and page confessions will contain a link!


MoreThanCheeseandBeer


"Where do I start...I have a lot. Insecure about my weight, my looks, my job performance, my parenting skills, and my communication skills! Those are just a few. Sometimes they get so bad that I take meds for them. Sometimes to hide them...I'm goofy and funny. I know I let this happen to me and only I can fix it."

"I have horrible insecurities. I hate talking about them because it lets people in on how I look at myself. I guess either way I'm committed to doing this so.....
I think that no matter how well I am doing, I'm not good enough to be loved. Nobody is ever going to love me the way that I need it because I can't open up and tell them the way that I need to be loved. 
If I'm not getting sex on a regular basis I feel as if a relationship is falling apart. I was abused when I was younger and I have been told that I see it as a form of affection. 
I'm over weight and every day I go through thinking that I'm never going to be pretty enough to anyone. I'm always going to be that fat girl people make fun of. 
I worry that I'm not a good enough mother to my kids. I became a mom when I was 16 so I'm still figuring this out as I go and what if I'm not doing it right? Anyone that criticizes me about my parenting hurts my feelings more than anything because I am just learning. 
I wonder if it would be easier to list the things that I am not insecure about? 
I'm very selfless but is that enough? Is it enough to have people care about me and need me the way that I need them? I will be working on some more to add to this but for right now I think this is a good start. " - Mama's Daily Dose of Crazy

"I'm very insecure about the way my stomach looks after I had my daughter..It looks like I have an 80 year old stomach and I'm only 21."


"Many years ago, my list of insecurites was simply too long to list. I was insecure about everything. My looks, my Southern accent, my body figure, and the list goes on. As I grew older, I realized something. The people that loved me did not care about those things. They love me for me. And now, so do I." - The Shy Poet


"Whenever I am feeling intimidated, or feel like I've done something stupid I feel like the fat person I used to be. I've lost 90lbs, I feel good. I want to lose more but I feel pretty good. But when something happens to make me doubt myself I feel like that fat girl again. I didn't realize I felt differently then but I guess I did."


"My insecurities:
Being needy.
Getting old and getting needy.
Not being acknowledged.
Becoming invisible.
Crying.
So, if anyone comes into the pharmacy and they try to play me with either tears or being feeble, I have instant disdain. I am usually 99% correct if I sense they are playing me, because that is EXACTLY how I would do it."


"Believe it or not, I'm insecure about a lot. I doubt my capabilities as a mother some days. I'm insecure about relationships in general. I'm single by choice, because quite frankly I'd rather not be insecure about it after two failed marriages. Most of all, I'm insecure about my weight. I'll be starting a long journey soon regarding that exact issue, I do hope you'll stay tuned and follow me through it! In the process, I hope to inspire you to make yourself a better you, no matter what that insecurity is...all while I'm learning to rise above mine." - Ramblings of a Wined Out Mama


"I always check the browser history after my husband has been home alone (and his phone occasionally) for porn. I've been cheated on in the past and can't get over my fear that he's looking at porn or trying to hook up with someone because I'm unattractive/not good enough because I'm unhappy with myself, even though he's convinced he is the lucky one that I'd be with him."


"My insecurity is giving blowjobs. I have been told over & over how amazing I am at it (don't be a hater), but when a guy doesn't cum from it, I feel very insecure about myself." - The Pink Polka Dotted Unicorn


"Looks. Yep, went with that. Its not as quite as shallow as it reads. Yes, have to dye my hair a bit more often. Yes, magnifying mirrors and bright lights might not be my friends as much anymore. Might even be spending a few more bucks on moisturizers. But after being divorced a little over a year I would like to find some companionship. My age bracket does not seem to be the marketable age I am accustomed to. Hair flip and a giggle is not going to quite cut it. Of course, not as much hair as I had over 20 years ago. While I still giggle, one has to actually be funny. Let's not forget technology. Back in my younger days we actually spoke. But underneath it all...maybe it is just me. That is my biggest insecurity. All the other stuff is quite fixable. Except my ass. Unless I get implants and that ain't happening. What if I am too boring? Not smart enough? Not caring enough? The things I question about myself some nights seem endless. And that is my biggest insecurity...maybe its just me."


"My insecurity is that whether people know or not, that I'll always be stigmatized and alienated because I'm bipolar. I takes meds, but I'm still always gonna be kinda different. That's what makes me unique, me! It takes a lotta lady nuts to say that and even more to survive. Just sayin."


"Mothering. Is there any woman that is a momma that at one point or another hasn't felt insecure? To top it off: I'm a single momma. Am I too strict? Do I not discipline enough? Am I raising a man? God, I sure hope so.

His dad isn't great. He wasn't a great husband and unfortunately, he's not a great father. I worry about that a lot. I'm insecure about him not having a male figure in his life. Do I just cut him out of his life? Will he hate me for that when he's older? Insecure, insecure... Insecure."


I'm totally insecure about my housekeeping. I'm a terrible housekeeper and my dishwasher never gets everything off, which makes me look like an ass. - More than Cheese and Beer


"Like 95.6% of the women out there I am completely insecure about my weight. It doesn't matter if I weigh 120 lbs and look like a stick or 190 lbs I feel fat. I have huge hips and thighs. I coughed 5 babies out without any trouble. So as a teen and young adult I was told what great legs I had all I seen was size 10 jeans. Hubby says what a great ass I got, what I see is a scale at 160. I'm working on not caring, but it's a life learned trait. You are skinnier and prettier than I and I hate it" - Oops I can't post this on my page


"I'm insecure about my boobs, I developed pretty much overnight and wound up having to have a breast reduction when i was 18. Before the surgery bra shopping was horrible. I had to go to a specialty shop and was told on several occasions I was bigger than Dolly Parton. My grandmothers 90 year old neighbor asked me if they where real. I was 16 and she wanted to touch lol. I was mortified and my mom and aunt thought it was funny. After the surgery I busted a stitch at school. I had to tell the school secretary I needed to go home because my boob was bleeding. Then it was just open for weeks and I had to get a skin graft. Now I have a huge scar years later and all I wanted to do was be able to go to a normal bra shop. A teacher at school supported me before the surgery, after class she showed me her scars from her surgery, and a lady at church showed me hers too. Do you know what it feels like just to want you're clothes to fit right but your boobs are too big?"


"I guess a big important insecurity is my health and the future. I had thyroid cancer 6 years ago and had 2 surgeries to remove the baseball sized tumor and all of my thyroid. Well back in November during my every 6 month check up ultrasound on my neck they found a suspicious spot. In December I had a biopsy and the results were inconclusive. They don't know if it's a new tumor or just left over thyroid tissue from the surgeries. So in February I have to go for another test. This time it's a radioactive iodine light up scan. To make the suspicious spot glow so they can see if it's a tumor that requires surgery or not. For the rest of my life now I'm going to be very insecure about my health wondering and worrying all the time if I'm going to get cancer again and if it will kill me the next time around. I need to live so I can raise my 5 kids. I don't want to leave them momless and broken hearted for their entire lives." - Your Butt's Crackin'


I don't have an outgoing voicemail message because I can't stand the sound of my own voice recorded on anything! And I hate talking on the phone too! -More Than Cheese and Beer


"My biggest insecurity is thinking I'm not good enough for my family. I have good days and bad days. and sometimes the bad outweigh the good. I know I'm a badass and I'm the coolest mom and hottest girlfriend ever, (maybe thats not entirely true, BUT, I dont care) but at the end of the day, my kids are smiling, J is happy and VERY well taken care of, and the house doesn't have me at risk of CPS being called. Its not always easy, but its always worth it. I am the rock of this family, and even if they don't always show it, I know they appreciate me and what I do" - What? No, Not Another Mom Blog


"Ugh! It's probably easier to list what I'm not insecure about.
My body is saggy, baggy, squishy, icky from my in-process weight loss(140 lbs to date, 120 to go). Will anyone ever want to see me naked? What if they freak out?
My daughter is clingy and has major anxiety issues. What did I do wrong to make her this way? Her brothers are mega independent so it has to be something I've done wrong.
My current boss adores me(and I adore working for him) but where I work, I can go in tomorrow and find out I was transferred or he was. Or even the head office could decide they don't like what/how I'm doing things, no matter how much my boss adores me.
It's a never ending list. There are days I am almost paralyzed by my insecurities."

Miss out on this week's Sunday Confessions?  It's ok.  We do this every week!  I post the topic on Wednesdays and we post on Sunday!

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Resolution/Regret



Today's Sunday Confession prompt:
RESOLUTION/REGRET

I'm very excited about 2014.  I've tried to be pretty open about my struggles without being a whiny bitch (Thank You for not pointing out when I have failed to do so, by the way), but 2013 was one swift kick to the crotch after another.  I wonder if how I've been feeling lately is how Holyfield felt, because 2013 kind of felt like my Mike Tyson.

(Another Confession: This man scares the shit out of me)

I haven't made a real Resolution in years.  Maybe that is a sign of how stagnant my life felt at the time, like it wasn't worth the effort to make a decision or commitment to change something.  I don't know.  Maybe I thought things were fine.  A year ago seems like another lifetime in a lot of ways and I don't remember what happened.

I didn't necessarily make Resolutions this year.  I find that people don't really take Resolutions seriously, and the things I have rolling around my head are anything but less than half-hearted declarations of intent to change.  Instead, I have a flexible plan that can be altered if need be, because life doesn't care if you have a plan.

2014 feels like it is going to be a year of healing, and as I heal I hope to learn to take care of, respect, accept, love, appreciate, and cherish myself in ways I never have.  I hope that love leads me to grow not only into the person I want to be, but into the person I have the potential to be.  Obviously this is not a one year task, but everything has a starting point. 

I chose to include Regrets because some people don't want to talk about Resolutions.  Sometimes, you just have to admit to not being happy about something you said or did.  I used to want to believe that I didn't have regrets because every "mistake", bad decision, or act of poor judgement made me into the person I am today. 

But the truth is, I've made decisions I'm not proud of and I've learned that I don't value myself the way I should...if you don't really love yourself, how can you say you have no regrets because they made you who you are?  

A Regret only becomes a learning experience if you actually learn from it, and make changes to avoid the same situation/reaction/decision again.  I think it is also fair to say that when a decision is made in spite of better judgement or past experience, one is entitled to some regret as well. 

I regret allowing myself to be caged; I will learn to fly again. 

I regret letting anyone treat me in ways that were unkind, unloving, disrespectful, degrading and unwarranted; I will be kind and loving to myself, build myself up, and surround myself with people who do the same.

I regret treating my instinct like paranoia or ignorance; I will strive to use my intuitive talents and strengthen them. 

I regret letting people who have already shown the content of their character to be lacking into my life in a way that left me open to being taken advantage of or hurt; I will love them because everyone deserves love, but from a distance and never in a way that will leave me susceptible to the flaws of their character again. 

I regret trying to be someone or something I'm not and denying my true nature; I will strive to be the person I want to be, and hope someday to be the person I have the potential to be. 

I regret allowing the opinions and judgments of others dictate my life; I will embrace people who, though they may not agree, acknowledge and respect my decisions. 

I regret being judgmental of others and myself; I will remember that people who walk around thinking others are judging them often do so because they walk around judging others...and instead, I shall speak blessings (and only complain about them on Facebook a little).

I regret forgetting the things I believe in and the joy they brought me; I will find the joy trying, doing, seeing and tasting new things again and I will do more than I ever did before, and I will seek out my hobbies.

I regret not continuing with something I wanted to do because I felt uncomfortable, or because someone made me uncomfortable;  I will push myself in a direction, find a goal and reach it and consider being uncomfortable more of a reason to be proud of continuing.

I regret acting like a weakling; I will remind myself that I am strong and beautiful. 

I regret being my own enemy; Most of my regrets I feel are due to my own actions.  I will forgive myself.  I will heal.  I will learn.  I will love myself.  I will treat myself with kindness and understanding.  I will trust myself.  I will treat MYSELF the way I want to be treated above all, then I will treat others the way I want to be treated and accept nothing less.  

I regret not deciding to do all of this for myself before, but now...this will be a lesson. 


Luckily, I never blog alone!  Please check out these wonderful people who participated with me this week....



MoreThanCheeseandBeer
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