Sunday, March 2, 2014

Sunday Confessions: Exhaust

Welcome to another Sunday Confessions!  I'd be lying to you if I said I was running late with my own post today for any reason other than...well, I'm exhausted.  But let's start confessing.....

Today's Sunday Confession prompt:

I knew 2014 was going to be a big year for me.  Big changes, lots of growth...and of course I expected hard times and challenges.  When you bring about change, there will always be some adversity.  

I am exhausted.  I'm utterly exhausted and I can't decide if it is because of what is going on around me or because I'm not doing the things I ought to be doing for myself. 

I haven't hidden that I am struggling with seasonal depression.  It's been a long, very cold and harsh winter.  Contrary to popular belief, being depressed is exhausting.  Even the most everyday tasks seem difficult, and looking around at all of the things going undone for no good reason other than not feeling like doing's draining.  

All of the windows in my house are covered.  I haven't seen what little light Wisconsin Winter allows in months.  Part of it is because I wasn't bright enough to get the plastic on the windows right away this year, and then I ran out.  The other part of it is that I detest the idea that my life is on display for the boyfriend-that-was.  While the harassment and shenanigans has stopped for the most part, inside of me I am struggling to move on.  I am struggling to shut down the part of my brain that is anxious, constantly looking for his presence, planning the next is like a smart phone app running in the back of my brain, draining my battery.  

As an introvert, I find social interaction exhausting.  That sounds terrible.  I love my friends and family.  I love being with them and around them.  Unfortunately, I'm caught it this unfortunate limbo...I NEED to be surrounded by people, and interact with them because it helps with the seasonal depression.  However, being around people forces me to NEED to regroup and recharge.  It's kind of like fighting with a cat....they try and pull you in with their front legs, while scratching you to hell and kicking you with their back legs.  

It's not a personal's just how I am. 

All of these things I have going on in my life, but there is one thing that seems to be prevalent in all of the areas of my life, and it is what I find to be the most draining...ugliness.  The ugliness in my world right now is exhausting me.  I'm sick of the ugliness I see on t.v.  I'm struggling with the ugliness I see people doing around me.  I'm struggling with the ugliness I'm feeling within myself.  I'm so tired of watching people do hateful, awful things to one another.  It's not one specific incident or thing, it's all of it...nasty looks, rude tones, mean-spirited gossip, dishonesty, all of it.  Perhaps I sound like a whiner, but every time I see yet another example of people treating each other badly it's like taking sandpaper to my last, already raw nerve.

And the thing is, I know all of these things are happening because I need to make changes.  There are things in my life that are draining me, and some of those things mean there need to be changes in myself as a person.  I know and have accepted that I am incomplete, that as a person I am constantly evolving and this is part of it.  For a long time, I believed that someday I would be "done".  That I would be all the things that I am supposed to be and I would be happy, content, and everything I'm supposed to be.  In many ways, I feel like I've been pushing so hard for that end that I didn't stop to enjoy the moment.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm exhausted from being a being that is ever changing and growing.  On occasion, I long to be everything I am supposed to be enough for life to just be happy, peaceful, wonderful and content even just for a little bit.  

So for right now, I'm going to embrace my exhaustion.  I am tired.  But right now, I know that I am tired because I've been a friend.  I'm tired because I've needed friends.  I'm tired because I'm trying.  I'm tired because evolving is a lot of work, even if I'm unaware of all of the changes that are happening.  And when I grow exhausted from growing and changing and evolving...I will sing, and then I will remember not to run myself ragged from trying to find the end and the answer to everything, and perhaps then I wont be so exhausted.

This is on the soundtrack of my life.  It's like she pulled it from my head.  Because it is true.  I'm been running so sweaty my whole life and missing the rapture of being incomplete.