Sunday, June 14, 2015

Sunday Confessions: FOR

Sometimes, it is when we have so many decisions to make that we find answers to feelings or problems we struggle with.

Of course, that doesn't necessarily make the decisions themselves any easier.

I'm struggled lately. I have felt burnt out. I have felt exhausted.  I've struggled to make decisions. I haven't wanted to blog.

I'd love to be able to blame my depression or my back pain for why I haven't wanted to do anything or take joy in things that brought me so much happiness before, why I've struggled to find purpose in the things that I do.

Over the last few months I've lost somebody very dear to me.  Sometimes, I think the death of a relationship hurts more than the actual death of a person because somehow their presence, the mere thought that they're still on this Earth, gives a kind of strange hope that things could be the same, or better, or different somehow in a way that would work.  Sometimes, when you've been forced into accepting the circumstances your heart struggles for awhile.

I'm the kind of person whose head always let's go first.  When it is time to do those things we do for the people we care about, my heart screams "Do it!", it's throbbing cries echoing inside my ribcage while my head looks at the situation, crosses it's arms, raises an eyebrow and says "what for?"

Normally, I let my heart lead.  I do this until my heart begins to notice that it spends more time championing from inside a ribbed cage than it does feeling grateful to be held inside lest it fly away.  Then, eventually, it stops raging and yearning and when the time comes it doesn't bother getting excited anymore because it doesn't seem to matter. 

Eventually, I just couldn't try anymore because I felt like it didn't matter what I did... I wasn't going to be given anything in return.

It seems I've grown to feel the same way about much of my own life.  I had a discussion with a friend the other day about something I've been thinking about doing for awhile and eventually I realized that I've struggled to commit because I can't see what for.

Then I realized, this is how I've been operating for awhile. Except, the reason hasn't been me. 
The answer to "what for?"  hasn't been "because I want to" or "because I like it" or "because it makes me feel good" or "because it makes me happy" in entirely too long. 

I've been discouraged and dissuaded from doing things because I've struggled to see the point. I've struggled because I've felt like what I do only provides good for others.  My "what for?" has been "meh, why not?" for too long.
I need to get back to making the answer to "what for?" be "FOR ME!".